I am wearing a Led zeppelin shirt and listening to taylor swift. The best thing about today's walk is that I'm not thinking about much. I'm listening to some music and I'm taking in the beauty of this cold December night. There are so many trees here. My face is cold but I'm warm all over. My legs hurt but it's the good kind of hurt. I'm wearing gloves too. They look brand new but they must be a decade old. 

I'm now home and In bed. Something funny happened earlier. I was on my way home from work in a cab and I randomly opened posts of mine from 2012 and damn. So much is so exactly the same. I think. That. The stuff I write about hasn't changed much. The stuff I don't write about has changed a lot. So maybe what I've always written in here is the filtered trickled down stuff. The messy bit is lost somewhere in real time. Hmmm. But that's not so bad either. 

Work was good today. I took a two hour nap in between. Isn't that the best? Isn't that the dream? Napping at work. I was so groggy when I got back to my station. So okay here's a confession. I love my work. I whine about it all the time but really I love being there. I love the people I work with. I like how I've improved with time. How I've fought through anxiety and panic and settled into a nice comfortably stretch. At least that's good isn't it? Yesterday I had a good conversation with one of my favorite seniors about work-life balance and following ones passion. We both agreed on how being in medicine can be a very gratifyign vocation. It drives you mad yes and you're never not exhausted but then. There are those moments. When you know you've helped someone. When you've done a good job. Maybe even over exerted yourself to make someone else feel better. Those moments make it all worth it. Sounds cliche but its true. And I'm grateful that I have those moments very often. They give everything meaning. 

I have work tomorrow. On a Sunday which will continue till Monday evening. Ugh. I hope it goes well. I just got back from a walk in dense dense fog. Couldn't see anything. Felt like I was walking in a cloud. Took that in. Inhaled the grey white nothingness. I feel good. It's 9 pm. The anxiety octopus is trying to squiggle it's dangly arms in my brain trying to latch on to any stray thought. I'm trying to keep it at bay. Damn damn. The smell of biryani is driving me crazy. The window is slightly ajar. My feet are almost inside the heater and this beautiful biryani scent. Damn. 

I'm going to have dinner now. 

Why are american action movies obsessed with Plutonium? 

Will I do a new years post as well? Hmmm. 

Save your tears for another day.

 Its 8 pm on a sunday. Im home. A has gone to meet a friend. I would call my sister/s over but i'm in a fight with them. I checked with two of my work friends but that didn't work out either. I've already called mom once today. If i call her more than that, she's going to think something is wrong and i don't want that. 

I'm usually quite okay, and even happy being alone. Having this time to myself. But something is off today. It's making me feel lonely. 

Something very different happened the other night. A calls it a breakthrough. It was. Some thing inside me snapped and i broke down. Broke free rather - now that i think about it. But amidst the breaking, and the sobbing and feeling like my eyes were balloons on fire, there was him. Wiping my tears, holding my hands. Letting me break. Collecting the pieces and putting them back over and over. Putting them back better. For every  'i feel mad' and 'there's something wrong with me', there was 'i've got you', 'i've got you', 'i've got you'. I woke up feeling different. Warmer. A little more complete. Soul a little unclenched. 

I just started watching Parfum. On netflix. Ugh. Why did i choose this? Why are sperm whales called sperm whales? Okay i just googled it. Boring answer. Never mind. 

Which reminds me. I met an old friend of mine yesterday. A quick dinner. She's here from another country. She was happy to see me, and i think she thinks too highly of me. Its sweet. And it made me feel good. Of course. Damn this is going to be one sick show. What did i expect. I've seen the movie. Ugh. 

I'm starting to get hungry. I also want to colour. 

Didn't i have lots and lots to write in here? Well i did write about 7 pages in my journal just the other day. So maybe i'm all talked out. 

I'm never all talked out.

Bye.