It's 4:07 a.m and I've had a pretty pathetic day. Everything is right but also very very wrong. N says the apocalypse is here. All my people are going through some terrible kind of shit. And i'm trying to be there for each one of them. I can only try. But i'm not here to talk about their problems. This is my post. My problems.
I mean. It's like there is an *wow, get ready for some major emo shit*
Yeah so it's like there is an OCEAN full of water (or maybe mercury) stuck in my chest that NEEDS to come out in the form of tears but it won't. Or maybe there is a big block of lead in my chest. Or maybe, maybe, my heart is sinking. It's drowning. In a bog. My heart is stuck in a bog. Like the ones they have in swamps.
I NEED A SUCTION PUMP!
Oh lord. *deep breath*
Maybe i need to calm down.
Okay. So my sisters are out of town, having a great time. Even though i am sort of regretting not going with them, i'm also just really glad to be home with my parents. Speaking of parents. I miss them. They're DOWNSTAIRS. But i miss them. I've been to their room three times already. I laid down next to my mom and she stroked my hair. And i felt so sad. And happy. But really really sad. I came upstairs and there were four missed calls from a friend who badly needed to talk to me. So i felt bad about that.
I wanted to watch a very sad movie that would make and cry and put me to sleep. But ALL MOVIES ARE SHIT. I mean i watched The truman show earlier today, and the part where his boat touches the wall, and he finds out that the ocean is actually just a painting, it made me so sad, I cried. s2 thought the movie was hateful. That's just wrong. I really liked it. Anyway, coming to the point. I thought I'd watch a movie. I started watching Ryan's daughter. I've heard a lot about it. But five minutes into the movie, i realised it wasn't the right one. So i started watching this other movie called Under the tuscan sun. And BOY that is a slow movie. I mean. I'm more than halfway through it and it has made me feel NOTHING. A little bored maybe. There are mosquitoes in the room. Don't know where they came from, and I've sprayed the mosquito spray so many times; I don't know about the mosquitoes but I sure will die soon with the amount of shit (i.e, spray) concentrated in my lungs right now.
HELLO PATHOLOGY. Nice to meet you. Whatever. Just stop staring at me. I have other problems to deal with.
When did everything become so..soo...I don't know. Just so floaty. NOTHING stays. It's all just SO..I have it yet i don't. Almost there but not quite. Like pieces broken off of things. Beautiful things. Everything's a little bit cracked. WHY.
I really need to get my eye sight checked. It's like my eyes lose focus every few minutes and my forehead really hurts.
I wish i had more friends in a different time zone so that they'd be up right now.
I keep OD-ing on these biscuits that mom bought me a box of. I don't even like them but since they're right next to me, I'm eating them. I wish i was hungry. I'd go make myself some really soupy noodles and feel good about life. BUT! I'm not hungry. I lose my appetite when I'm really sad. So i must be really sad.
Something needs to happen. Something needs to change inside me. Maybe a spark needs to be lit. Maybe a fire. A BIG HUGE FIRE. LIKE A FOREST FIRE. WILD! THAT BLAZES THROUGH MY BODY BRINGING EVERY LITTLE NEURON TO LIFE. Bleh.
These anti mosquito sprays are totally useless I tell you.
The sun is going to come up real soon and the room is going to light up. You know what's weird though? I like eating biscuits that have been left open over night and have lost their crispness. Crispness. Is that a word?
I must be losing my mind.
It's just one of those nights.
