Spore.

 I am feeling a bit blue because sometimes life can seem really daunting. Especially at this hour. It's almost midnight. I'm tucked between the two prongs of my pregnancy pillow, the lamp is on, and I've had my green tea. My face is washed, and I have nothing to look forward to but sleep. While I am enjoying this little bubble of Zen, I am also acutely aware of its impermanence. Life is about to change. It's about to get loud, chaotic and full. Maybe in the best of ways. But maybe part of me, the selfish, individual part of me, will miss this, and miss me and this version of my life. Maybe it's not right to call that selfish, it's only normal after all. 

Also, I'm feeling it more because H (friend and colleague) is leaving in a month. She got an opportunity she had been waiting for, and she's leaving for a few years. And while I am really happy for her, and wished this for her, I am also sad. Because soon, I won't have any of my friends in this city. I've been lucky to find the people that I did over the past 2 years, and I had a beautiful, beautiful couple of years. But now it seems like everything is ending, and yes, there are new beginnings, but as I said, life just seems daunting right now. A lot is changing. And I am sad to see people go. I've been in this place before. Friends have moved away, and I have moved away. And I have been okay despite all. So yes, I understand, such is life. But I am allowed some sadness and some nervousness, right? I don't know what life will be like in the next few years. Yes, there's baby, and then eventually everything else. Goals that I have set for myself. Will I be up to the task? Will I make the timing work for me? I don't know. And thinking of everything only makes me want to go slide deeper under my blanket right now, and slow down the clock. I like this little limbo I am in right now. The calm before the storm. The pause before the chaos. I know I should not overthink, but when has that ever stopped me? 

Metamorphosis

 I haven't talked in here about the main event in my life right now but then I was just thinking, who is even reading? And what does it matter, I guess. So, well, I'm having a baby girl soon. Even though I am in an especially foul mood today, I smiled when I wrote that. Isn't it crazy? It is. But anyway, I didn't mention this to write about my feelings regarding it from scratch. There is obviously a lot. But right now, I want to write specifically about how I feel something shift inside me already. I know motherhood is basically a metamorphosis. There is a shedding, a distancing from your old/current self, into someone new. Someone that you now need to become, to do what you're going to do. You know when Venom takes over Eddie when shit needs handling? Not as dark as that, but definitely as palpable, as vivid, as real, as drastic. There is a structural change that has already begun, a molecular rearrangement that I can already sense. Simmering. And I know it will continue, and be bigger and more life-shattering than I can even predict. All that is okay, change happens. This one will just be bigger. But, why do I have a feeling that the new me is going to be braver, and stronger, and a giver of lesser f*cks than ever before? My role in my own life is going to change. But I also feel there will be an abundance of newfound clarity, and to be honest, I welcome it.

Anyway, I do have to say. The primary emotion in the third trimester has been: Rage, amongst other things. I am so angry about so many things, and somehow I really want to prioritize myself and I'm not sure if I have? Or maybe I have, and it doesn't feel enough, and I'm just spoilt. 

There are two kinds of people in the world. One, who don't mind eating the same meal every day. And others, who definitely do mind. I am the latter. Sometimes, I do have phases of eating the same item multiple times in a week, or 3-4 times in a row, but I think that's about it. I need diversity in my life. I like eating different foods. I am not picky, I am very good at thoroughly enjoying and devouring the most ordinary of meals as if it were my last, but I can't eat the same food over and over and over again. Food is one of the things that brings me great joy in life. And I am not about to give it up for ease or convenience.

So currently, my eyes are heavy, and my mind says, go to sleep. But this is deception. I actually cried earlier, hence the heavy eyes. And while I know a good cry can bring about divine sleep, I am trying to push myself, because sleep lately has been kind of poor. And I don't want to fall asleep now and then wake up at 2 am, unable to fall back asleep. I guess that's meant to happen anyway, but I'll still push myself a little bit more.

All this nervous energy inside me. It's because tomorrow I'll find out something important. And how the next few days, rather, weeks go is dependent on that. I hope everything works out beautifully. I don't know what that means, but whatever happens, I hope it's good and brings me peace.

I am not into the Oura ring, btw. It's too much information.

Also, watched a movie called Steve. Cillian Murphy knows how to evoke something in his audience. Something about him is so honest and real. Or at least it comes off that way. He's doing something right. And that face doesn't hurt.

    

Heartburn.

 It did not get so cold here this time. I was waiting for snow, but it hasn't come yet. Will it? I hope it does, even if for a weekend. No one but me is waiting and hoping for that. I am aware. It did get kind of cold last night, and for the first time me and A were not uncomfortably warm in our duvet, and when I woke up, it was 7 am something. A was getting ready for work, and there was minimal light in the room. And I felt so so cozy. I thought: life is soooo good. And to be honest, I've been feeling that a lot these days. 

But also, some shit has been going on. And I am desperate for a solution. If things do not go right, I don't know what I will do and I don't want to be so stressed about it, but I am. *sigh*

Today was an interesting day. I had a videocall with a friend I haven't spoken to in a long time and it was nice to see that we could talk comfortably despite the years and the distance. Refreshing, in a way. I also spoke to mom, and then s1. I feel socially nourished. I am having coffee now, and a cake that someone in the family baked and brought over last night. Me and s1 talked at length about the importance of connections and family and values. 

I have been in a black hole for the last 2 days. In the midst of an anxiety ridden worry storm, and at this point, there is not much I can do but wait and pray for something that is not in my control, but the stakes are high. This morning, I decided to try to make myself feel better. Took the longest shower, tried to scrub, shave, moisturize and perfume the darkness away but there it is. Inside me, nagging at me, gnawing. But at least I feel soft and smell good. I am going to try to be productive now. Let's see how that goes. 

There is comfort in it being Friday today. I was supposed to study more today, but I took another great shower. Went and got my bloodwork done, talked to the building manager about some stuff, and felt very accomplished. Currently, I'm sipping on some coffee and having leftover cake. Again. Its been raining all morning. So cozy. There is comfort in it bring Friday because. For the next two days, I can shut my brain off and not think about weekday life where emails will be sent and stress will loom high once again. For now, its Friday afternoon and I am going to hide behind that. 

Just found out that A is working from home on Monday and Tuesday, so when panic hits on Monday, I won't be alone. Yay. I had a ton of Maggie in the afternoon, and now it's almost 7 pm and I'm getting hungry. I think my throat is getting sick. There's a painful spot on the left side that makes it's presence known every now and then. Sore throat, stay away please, I can't. Anyway as I was saying, I'm getting hungry and we are going to have dinner soon and probably watch Bridgerton. Can I talk about some of my guilty pleasures? I love watching make up tutorials, and body care rituals and study with me vlogs, and What's in my bag videos. Its so much fun. This content is soothing to me. Lol. Also, this is not a guilty pleasure but it's kind of a confession. Whenever I watch someone perform excellent art, I'm so easily overwhelmed and I often want to cry, but mostly hide it. But when I'm alone, I cry. Last night, I heard a girl sing a song and I teared up. This morning, I heard a man get excited about flying kites again and I teared up, again.

It's Sunday evening now. A is at the gym. I showered, and had some daal with bread and some pomegranate. Did I mention I'm obsessed with pomegranate these days? I eat it everyday. Anyway. Yesterday was busy. We spent most of the day renting a Uhaul to pick up some furniture. Had breakfast out as well and then samosas for lunch and actually McDonald's for dinner. Damn. Today, I had an errand in the morning. After which we had a nice breakfast at home. Dozed off on the couch while ODing on Bridgerton. Wasted some time, and now I'm here in front of the laptop again. 

It is Tuesday now. I am studying, as usual. I am also kind of wasting time trying to decide what youtube content to consume during my mini breaks between questions. I have some really bad habits. But the good thing is, I'm showered, fed, caffeinated and scented. Sweet. The next two weeks are looking busy. I have hangouts with friends planned next week two days in a row and then a conference thing I have to attend in the mornings. Grateful for that btw. I also have a driving test next week. And some other errand-y stuff. Oh and a family birthday party for kids this weekend, which we have to buy presents for. Hmmm. In case it isn't obvious, I get lonely while studying. It has always been a problem. I find distractions. I like to text all my people (which aren't many so it doesn't really help) and I end up writing in here more often. That helps a little bit.

Okay this will probably be my last entry for this post. Its 11:44 am on a Wednesday morning. I am home as usual. In case I haven't mentioned, I have taken a study break from work, hence all the time at home. Hence all the writing. I woke up feeling a little low today. I don't know if much can be done about it. I had insane dreams. Nothing new about that either. I am drinking my pomegranate juice, and sitting in a different section of the house. I am in such a different phase of life these days. Feels unreal. Gotta keep going. Just keep swimming, as they say. I don't believe I have written anything even remotely entertaining through out the post. And I'm sure I repeated myself a lot. But that's' how life is right now. I think I will look back at this time at some point with yearning. Might as well enjoy it. 

Okay, that was not the last entry. Its 1 pm. Time for a break. I'm going to shower, pray, make myself look kind of nice, maybe have a snack? And then get back to this. I will try for it to not take really long. Because today, I am going to be productive AF. (I might start documenting this stuff. Maybe THAT will help me). Except. There's no real accountability. Who's going to say anything if I don't follow through? Hmm. 

Its 3 pm. It was a 2 hour break. But i also had a full lunch. Now post-food stupor will hit me but I also took a few sips of my morning coffee. Btw, I have a great view outside the window. Snow peaked mountains, blue sky, trees. Very nice. 

5 :17 pm. Its getting dark now. I have one more prayer to do. And also waiting for A to come home. I think I will be able to achieve my studying goal for today. Why does it not feel enough though? I also vacuumed a little, changed the bedsheets, and loaded the dishwasher. I did not fold the laundry. Maybe after dinner. There's a kitkat ice cream in the freezer that is calling out to me. Maybe that after dinner as well. Okay bye for now.

2026.

 I'm kind of scared right now. My life has a few stressors, that have pretty much stayed the same for years now. Makes me wonder if this says something about me. Have i not done anything to change/makes things better? Why am I struggling with the same things? Also. I've realized that I have lost my habit of writing, or am in the process of losing it. Is it because I am much more extroverted now? I engage with other people instead of quietly writing it all down somewhere or the other? Or maybe, I am an adult now and there is no time. Always rushed, if not physically then mentally. Occupied, frantic. And when I'm relaxing, there are a billion other things I'd rather do, which translates to barely doing anything at all. Do you know what I mean? One thing that has improved over the past year however is that I have been reading quite a lot, not counting this last month. But otherwise yes. Me and my friends created a book club and have read 9 books already. I think the book club is on a hiatus right now. But I am still reading two books on the side hehe. The last one i started which was actually the cause of the hiatus was 'Remarkably beautiful creatures'. Its about an Octopus and I just couldn't get into it. Maybe it is a nice book, but I just couldn't. So I'm going to read something else. To get out of my reading funk. 

Are we going to talk about the past year? I mean, its 2026 as of yesterday. Life is so different. And it's going to continue to change dramatically this year. I am looking forward to it. I have to say though, the last two years. Damn. I feel so lucky, to be living the life that I live. Yes, despite the constant stressors, life has been pretty great. I got to spend so much time with friends who started out as colleagues, work, make our apartment cozy, save some money (a teeny bit), buy things I wanted, travel home and then again to see S1. How am I able to do all of this? Everyday, I wake up and I look out the window and I do a double take - is this really where I live? For as long as I do, I'm going to cherish it. 

Sometimes I want to be an influencer. Except, I don't want to influence anyone. I just want to talk and yap about whatever I want. And maybe interact with other people. Is there nowhere I can do that? Instagram does not seem to be the place for it. Some people use Substack. But umm, I am too non-serious for that.

I am currently between what is called a rock and a hard place. I don't know. What will it be? Anyway, I'm feeling chatty. I'm wearing this new fragrance and the dry down is so pleasing to me right now. I put it on this afternoon and now it's just me in my bed, studying (yes, still), sipping on green tea and basking in this sweetness called Dama Bianca.

It's the next morning now. I'm in the living room, decided to get some studying done before A wakes up. Feeling very negative about the whole studying situation right now. Sigh. Anyway, its very misty and grey outside but I love it. I have our little fireplace heater on, and I'm eating an apple. Looking forward to breakfast. Today is Saturday morning btw. Holidays are finally over, but I am not ready to go back to work. Ah, I am not feeling a lot of zest for life this morning. 

Me and A just came back from shopping for a table lamp. Got one, got a lamp table, painting, and shelves as well. Heh. I love buying things for the apartment - no guilt there. I had chicken tenders and a slice of pizza for dinner. Not the healthiest choice. I'm sleepy now. 

Time for my favorite part of the day. Green tea and reading in bed. Yum. Alright bye.

Inaction.

I haven't been able to figure it out. Between what is and what should be. Should it be? I don't know. Maybe I ought to write more to figure some things out. It's an ongoing thing though. I haven't been writing, as usual. Is that a kind of running away? Or is it turning my face from the things I will write about, the threads I will pluck at? Some times I think - these past few years..I may have chosen comfort, rest, good times, over ambition, discomfort, hustle. Not all the time, but perhaps more than I should have. But that's also a question I don't know the answer to. Or don't want the answer to. 

If someone asks me what my biggest achievement in life is, my answer will be : my relationships. The one's I've built, the ones I've lost but experienced, the one that continue to nourish and enrich my life. That is all. One more thing - and this is something I think about and feel quite frequently - If someone were to ask me what I like best about my life, my answer will be : I have been well-loved. I have. Family, friends, husband, and others who do not belong to any one cohort but exist. People who have loved me for and despite me being myself. What a privilege, what a privilege this is.

I'm reading this book called 'Dream Count'. I'm on the last section of the book and I am looking forward to being done with this, even though I have enjoyed the process. I want to read a thriller next and the excitement of reading a good thriller is making me want to finish this one. 

I'm really grateful for the day I had today. I had the day off from work. I did three loads of laundry, and folded them away as well. I made chowmein that was yummy. I showered, prayed. Watched 'When life gives us tangerines' and cried for a bit. Video called s2, which was long due. Did a little bit of grocery with A. We watched the second last episode of Parenthood and I am not ready for the finale. I'm going to cry and cry. I paid for something important that needed to be done. And now I'm in bed, sipping my green tea and writing in here after what feels like and probably has been, forever. 

I'm looking forward to work tomorrow. What I'm looking forward most to, is this Friday. For context, today was Monday. Friday, all my colleagues are coming over and we are going to have a crazy time. I'm scared I might have hyped it up too much in my head, but really, I'm so excited to have everyone over. 

--

^ That was a draft that has been collecting dust in my dashboard like many others, for quite some time now. I did some journaling today. Did some uncomfortable tasks, ate some fat cherries. Got my period. Found a good belt. This and that. But after I journaled, I realize, like every other time, how necessary it has become to write my thoughts down with a pen. It gives my thoughts a chance to slow down, the mind to stop racing for a little bit. I promise myself that I will write more here, and yet. Its been months, many months since i last wrote anything. I won't allow myself to lose my mental bandwidth this way. Although that's what it feels like lately. Weekdays are a blur and so are the weekends. I have 2 weeks off. I have spent days doing not much, followed by a bout of insane productivity this morning. Hence, the self reflection and the deliberate decision to sit down and write. 

Part of me shies away from writing in here because of how scary the internet has become. It's not something I ever worried about before, every single time I wrote in here. I didn't care who read it, some friends, mostly strangers. But now.. I'm not sure. Makes me think twice. Ow. I think I ate a bad cherry.

Okay I am going to post this. And I WILL write more soon. 

 I have two weeks off from work. Today is day 1. 

I had leftover kunafah from this Yemeni restaurant with tea, and it was so good. Morning was made. I don't have a lot on my to do list today. Don't know if that's good or bad. Oh crap. I have to call mom. So I'll do that before I forget. Okay did that. My mom cries every now and then, when we video call. She says she misses me. 'Kahan chali gyi ho?/Where have you gone?' And I say it's okay, and I make light it of it. And it's not my style to do that. Usually I would just cry with her. But somehow I don't. Somehow, I act okay and it works. Fake it till you make it I guess.

I've been a little homesick lately. It comes in waves. I try not to think about it, because what else am i going to do? 

I went to explore the nearby library today. 

The other day me and work colleagues went out for pizza. Stayed out for 3-4 hours, after which my jaws hurt from laughing and my voice cracked from talking so much. What a wonderful feeling. I inundate them with stories of pakistan. Social culture, language, slang, mannerisms, food, cricket. I find my self talking about home so much. That's comes as a bit of a surprise to me, but I'm glad to represent. 

It's day 6 or 7 today. Its raining this morning. The view from my window is dreamy. Trees, houses, a grey sky. And rain so imperceptible, you have to stare at tiny puddles on rooftops to notice the micro splashes, to know it's really raining. 

If i think about it. Success to me, is connection and fulfillment. Knowing you are good, are able to do good, and have enough money to live comfortably which is of course subjective. But peak success I think, is having, forming, sustaining genuine connections. Being loved, being understood, seen, supported. Laughing, crying, sharing, feeling that golden rush of emotion, the spark that lights your soul as it flows through you. The other day, I was thinking about what would be a good reason for me to bring a child into this world. And I thought for me, it could be a way to experience a love that transcends most other types of love. The ability to expand, not just physically but emotionally and mentally to make room for...more.. of everything. I think that would be reason enough.

Damn, this post has been sitting in my drafts for some time. I better post it. 

Look at us now.

 I've been an emotional soup for the past two weeks I think. Last week, a co-worker that i knew for barely three months, left. And i cried in front of everyone. At work. My tears love to betray me. But s1 later said not to worry, cuz its your style. I'm not sure I love my style, but its true, it really is my style. To cry in non ideal circumstances with -1000 control over my tears. Then I cried for two days over a really sad thing, and it broke my heart all over again. Some days, i was just a vegetable at home. I don't know what it is exactly. But. Man, these emotions. The other day I had a patient with something called Reactive anxiety. Halfway through her testing, she started to cry. She kept apologizing profusely for her tears. I wanted to hold her hand, and reassure her over and over. I did try. I told her i was a crier too and that it was completely okay. But she said she was mortified, and I felt so sad. 

Life is beautiful and achy. All the bloody time. 

I had the day off today. I woke up early. Made some phone calls. Talked to parents as well. Dad made jokes again, after a long time. My heart smiled. Mom told the same recipes over and over. I watched Daisy Jones and The six. Made myelf a paratha. Had lots of chai and half a slice of cheesecake. Took a long shower, sang songs from Smallville and One tree hill. And then cleaned the entire apartment. Did four loads of laundry. And made food. I'm waiting for A to get home, so we can have dinner. He will bring naan. Oh btw, we are moving into a new apartment at the end of this month. 

I've been writing so many posts on this blog. It's just that they stay in my mind, and never make it to the keyboard. Today i decided, I will write anything and just post. I don't want to stop writing. I always tell myself I will write more, but then don't. But. There's another thing. More and more, it almost doesn't feel safe, to put my thoughts out here. On the internet. Not that many people are reading it, its just that, many people can. I have thoughts from 10 years ago on here. I don't know. Feels kind of exposed. Oh well.

Sometimes, I am so proud of myself. Sometimes, I wish that was enough for me. 

Hmm. Its friday night today. I will try to write in here all weekend. Let's see what I come up with. 

Guess what it is today. Friday again. Ha ha. I wrote nothing all week, but here i am next friday, writing again. This week was nice. Had a bunch of half days at work, and I am off work again today. Wow. I'm about to make maggie and watch bridgerton. But what i am really doing, is running away from important things that I have to do. I just dont know okay? I don't know what to do. Maybe i do know what to do but i don't want to do it. I don't want to finish that research paper. I don't want to live in unceratinty anymore. YUCK. Sometimes I feel so resigned. You know how they say not making a choice is also a choice. Maybe that's what Im doing. 

I've been having anxiety dreams lately. A ton of them. 

The truth is, despite everything, life remains beautiful. What can I say. No one's going to have everything.

 Lately, I've had this feeling, over and over again. That. The connections, bonds and relationships you build over your lifetime are the most precious things in life. To meet people, old and new, to laugh with them, complain about how sucky adulting is, reminisce, offer support and get back some - it's beyond beautiful. Family, friendships, kind words. That's the stuff of life. I often think of how when we die, no one will talk about our grades, our designation or that paper we tried to publish or the job we couldn't get. They won't talk about that time you were having a bad hair day or your outfit wasn't on trend. They will talk about how well you listened, the advice you gave, the stories you shared and the laughter. They will remember that you made them feel at ease, you didn't judge, you made their day, perhaps their life, better. Me and s1 were talking the other day and I told her that I feel that I have been well loved. To be able to say that, to have witnessed love in its multitude, to have lived in people's hearts, to continue to do so - what else can one want? 

Fever dreams.

 A perfect time to write. 

It's 3:50 pm. Monday afternoon. Late afternoon? It's been raining non stop. Snowed a little while i was sleeping. While A was getting ready for work and I was dreaming up a murder mystery with an ensemble cast. Where I was the murder victim and right before the end, when the killer was looking for me and I was trying to call out for help, I lost my voice. No matter what I did, I couldn't shout for help. But then a stoned asian family sort of saved me. And then I woke up. It was 12. Noon. I had a two day old leftover falafel wrap for breakfast. And tried a new flavor of coffee. Both were great. The living room is cosy, the white buttery soft cardigan I'm wearing is cozy and so are my dog printed pyjamas. I'm watching that movie, Good grief on netflix. That is very cozy as well. 

You know what I miss? I miss friends. I miss the proximity of relations, friendships. The sillyness and laughter of friendships. The variety. That version of you that comes out with that person. Different people, different versions. But more or less the same. I spoke to V on the phone a while ago, and we talked about the royal family and then a little bit about our own families. THAT was very cozy as well. A warm heart, a light heart. Full, but not heavy. What else can one need?

If I could paint, I would paint portraits of people and fill the background with colours and images of what I imagine their subconscious would look like. I also feel that a lot of art lives inside me. An excess of emotion and imagination. What do I do with it? I think I would thrive in rooms with similar minds. But those rooms evade me. Those conversations evade me. Why please?

A great thing about cooking, other than eating delicious food, is boxing up some for your friends and giving it to them. I really love doing that. 

Another thing that I have realized about myself is that my personal style in terms of fashion, is very basic. Toned down, practical. Severe casual leaning. Not always. But it's what comes naturally to me. 

Its 9:54 pm now. It's still raining. I went to the gym. I ran. The endorphins did me some good. It snowed and rained at the same time, while i ran on the treadmill, listening to boyz in paris. Haha. Before that I went up to give our friends/neighbours the food I made last night. She gave me some pizza dough and a jacket. Sat with them for some chitchat. That was cozy too. It gave me joy. I've had dinner, I'm showered and scrubbed, smelling nice and finishing up Good Grief. 

This weekend, I'm flying. To meet s1 and to stay with her for a few weeks after which I fly back home. Since when is this my life, where I fly here and there. Who am I? A lot of things have worked out this year. I checked all the boxes, except for the main one, the one I worked all year for. Life is tricksy that way. I think I'm dealing with it better than I thought i would. Kudos to me. At the gym, I saw a Sean Bean doppleganger. Maybe it was him. I guess we will never know.

Glimmer.

Mornings these days smell of pakistan and childhood. My khalas house. My old house. Lawns and dhoop. It smells the same. And stirs all sorts of feelings inside me. And I'm not a fan of nostalgia, especially when I'm pmsing. No thankyou.

 Lindt's caramel and sea salt is divine. I take two blocks every day with tea but today I had four. Oops. I'm watching the wedding planner. It's 10 am. I'm done with breakfast and I'm lounging in my big baby pink hoodie and feeling cozy. I will doze off when sleep comes. I'm trying to savor this feeling. The world feels bleak and painful right now. But it has also made me more aware of the safety and comfort I live with everyday. It's overwhelming.

It's raining outside. I'm having coffee. I'm going to head out to gym after this. I have things to do. But I don't want to do them. I'm allergic. I don't want to do anything cumbersome anymore. Last night I was thinking. Self reflecting maybe. That I am a creature of comfort. 

Guess what I really miss right now. Heaters in the dark, back home. When the light is out, and all you can do it sit around the heater, possibly munching on peanuts with family lazing around different parts of the room. Then someone suggests we need chai, and everyone agrees. Then my mom offers samosas or ghar walay chips and we say yes please. And life is good.

---

This post ^ has been sitting in my drafts for over a month. So i will write some more and publish.

The past month has been mostly about me languishing. Gym saves me. The mall too. But other than that, haven't done much. There is so much anxiety and guilt attached to being free. Non productive. I know everyone says rest is good, rest is important. But, because my career hasn't panned out the way i planned, despite mountains of effort, I feel I might not deserve this rest. Then I tell myself no. I do in fact deserve it. I deserve to wake up and plan fun activities, waste time, take it slow. When else will I get this chance? I am trying my best to rest. But it's hard. Sound like first world problems. Sound like anxiety problems. But it is how i feel. 

Things that annoy me about movies:

People brushing their teeth and talking at the same time.

People vomit all the time, and they show us the vomit.

They always say I love you accidentally, mid sentence. Then they're caught so off guard by the realization I mean fuck off already. Didn't you know?

The main character takes his/her love interest to a lake side or a rooftop and tells them how they used to come up here or down there with their grandfather or dad or mum or uncle who would impart endless wisdom and build core memories.

There are many more but I will pause for now.

---

It's a beautiful day. Orange and golden and three and a half shades of blue. 

I am having coffee, so I can go to the gym and run for 30 minutes, followed by maybe 20 minutes on the AMT? Or will I do the rowing machine today. We will see. 

We will have Palnadu biryani from this place tonight. I am salivating at the thought. 

Alright bye.

Volcanic.

 I have been in this situation before. Overwhelmed, stressed, stretched really really thin. Maybe it doesn't take much for me to feel this way, or maybe I am undermining my struggles. I don't know. But what I know is that here I am again. Juggling sand. And I can't wait to get out of this. But I also think, this is life. And these are the good kind of problems. These are not health problems, it's not grief, it's not discontent. It's just stress and struggle. If not this, it will be something else. So might as well.

A is out of town for the week. It's the first time I'm in this apartment all by myself. Interesting. I'm going to use this time to be productive AF. I'll try to go out for some time today. The air is fresh and getting chilly fast, which is what I like. 

-

That ^ was weeks ago. In the meantime, I crossed a major milestone, a major something ticked off my list. And what is left is one last exam. So here I am, still going. Engines roaring, full steam. Onward. Forward.

-

PMS was devastating this time around. Reminds me of this scene from fleabag about women having pain on a cycle, having pain built-in. It's part of us. And it's not just physical, the pain. It's emotional, mental, social - all sorts. I mean, God really wanted to show us how strength can look different in men and women. I love how women are soft and strong at the same time. Divine stuff. Nothing less. 

-

A is being too nice. I don't know what to do. The other day, he got me warm socks. And green tea. And he is making food. And giving head massages. And I think bringing me my favorite breakfast wrap from starbucks is his new love language. Thank God for companionship. And friendship. And love. And play.

-

I wrote a whole thing in my journal about what I miss about home the most. Its my funny little home, ,and the funny little place it's located in. Where I walk. And where the funny little market is. Our funny little living room with the curtains and the funny cushions. The tiles. The out of place furniture. My funny little room. That house is too much. But it's what I miss the most about home. Being there. With my funny little family. Uh oh, this made me cry. 

-

I've been waking up at 7 am lately. It's nice. We watched the Pak vs Netherland match and had coffee and peanut butter toast. Then A left for work. I spent a long time cleaning the kitchen. I finished Fleabag and my tea an hour ago. The priest situation broke my heart, but why was it it so beautifully done? Didn't expect that. Some things leave an impact. Hmm. 

-

Fall is here. So is thanksgiving and halloween. Everything is orange. Today was wonderfully cozy. I had a laser appointment which was excruciating, but then we had fish and chips in the rain. Some coffee, walked around the water, closed my eyes on the drive back home, listening to Abida Parveen. The trees look like magic these days. 

-

I was thinking something today. About the concept of success. And how many a times I equate it to having more money and a better job, when I know that health, relationships, time, doing good, moments of joy and connection are what life is really about. Career, is just ONE thing. Yet it takes up 90% of my brainspace. And has currently given me an intractable headache that just won't leave me. Sigh.

Love in Marriage.

 

Its going out at 2 am to look for shooting stars. Giving him vitamins when i take mine. And vice versa. Its forced cuddling and hair stroking. Its not agreeing on a rug because he wants it soft and I want it stylish. It's fighting over who gets to use the new mug. And who gets the mug with more chai in it. It's cooking together. Elaborate breakfasts on saturday mornings immediately followed by a heavy lidded stupor. Him eating the parathas i made, that made our jaws hurt. Washing the car on Sunday. Letting me do the fun bits. Dirty jokes. Preposterous jokes. Inside jokes. Green tea every night. Hate-watching sex and the city re runs and psychoanalyzing all the characters. Racing each other to the washroom. Spontaneous purchases from Facebook marketplace that we kinda sorta regret but won't say out loud. Him force-feeding me blackberries straight from the tree. Competing over who is more tired and who has the worse headache. Ice cream at midnight. Spending an hour trying to pick the best paint by numbers kit and not buying any. Incessant requests for back massages and leg massages. Putting calamine lotion on his mosquito bites. 11 pm grocery shopping. Difficult conversations. Avoiding conversations. Apology hugs. Pep talks. Ugly crying. Laughing while crying. Crying from laughter. Teasing. Heavy meme traffic, two-way, 24/7. Custom ringtones. 'Can you turn the lights off?' 'Will you iron my shirt'? 'Do you want coke with this?', 'Come to bed', 'Can i tell you what all i did today?', 'Wow', 'So i spoke to xyz this morning..', 'I miss home', 'Go treat yourself today', 'Doesn't the house smell nice?', 'Did you get the keys?', 'Meet me in the mall', 'What perfume is this?', 'What should i make?', 'Come down in 5 mins', 'I'm happy we're so happy'.

So it is.

I woke up early today. After A left for work, I came out to the living room, now that I have the apartment to myself. I made a quick breakfast. Something about a monday morning with a fully stocked kitchen. Exciting. I had some coffee, eggs, toast, peanut butter and jam. I watched another episode of In treatment, the newest season. Dozed off halfway through the episode despite the construction workers outside drilling directly into my skull. I spoke to my parents next. Mom said my eyes looked swollen. The first thing she asked was 'Did you cry?'. Thankfully, I hadn't. I was just sleepy. I showed her a point where my eye was hurting and she being she, told me I must put in eye drops and stop it from becoming a thing. And my dad being dad, did a cute joke where he took out some eye drops and mom said, look your dad has taken them out, he's offering to put them in your eye. And then he gestured as if putting the eyedrops through the camera in my eye across oceans. I played along. We laughed. It was cute. What a morning. I have realized I love taking care of our place. I like keeping it clean and smelling nice. I love getting groceries. I love eating the food i make. I still haven't mastered making soft roti, but i would say its pretty round and above average. So pat on the back for me. 

I have made a list of tasks that I need to do today. Hmm, maybe I will document how I'm doing as the day goes by. 

For now, I am going to study. After that, I need to work on another document and then start on citing my paper. Also, I need to fill some forms. And make dinner. Dare I add a yoga session? HMMMM. We shall see. 

--

Okay I'm writing again after 2 days. So much for documenting an entire day. From what I can recall, I did manage most of the tasks from up there^, except yoga. Of course. And I think I didn't make dinner, we went out instead. Or was that yesterday? I don't know. Days are a blur. There is so much work to do. Yesterday I cried twice, while trying to trouble shoot my problems. But God is great as usual, and one of them did get solved. The weird thing is, I am moving, moving, moving. It's been years. Little by little, with too many lapses and too many guilt ridden, anxiety heavy, denial stuffed breaks. Still moving. That gives me hope. The fact that there is movement, means I'm on a path, and there must be a destination. And God willing, I will get there. Dinner for tonight is chicken chowmein. I have a suspicion that A bought lettuce instead of cabbage. Oh well. 

--

Last night I was surprised to find out that it was thursday already and the weekend was just around the corner. I thought it was still Tuesday. That's how my days have been lately. And it was cabbage, not lettuce.

--

I am now writing this on another Tuesday. The weekend came and went. But it was a really good one. We did a desi nashta, grocery, I SWAM IN A LAKE, just hung out, ate delicious pizza and what not. Today, I submitted the final draft of my research manuscript. Only God and I know what it took for me to do that. I am not the most disciplined person and DAMN was this hard. I hope i don't have to do a lot to it for it to be submitted. Let's see. 

I'm making chicken karahi, I want to make it spicier today. I mopped the floors, and handwashing two of A's t-shirts. Also re-watching the movie Closer. I don't feel well. I have cough and a bad headache.

Today i was coughing like a madman while on the phone with someone and she asked me if I missed home when i was sick. And i was like, are you trying to make me cry right now? Well I didn't say that but of course I miss home when I am sick. But I hardly ever go down that road, because i can't afford to. Well the food is ready, and the shirts are washed and the aata is goondh-ed, and my headache is worse. Thankyouverymuch.

I do love life, nonetheless. It's quite a challenge. And I hope to God I'm doing okay, because sometimes i'm not so sure. Am I doing enough? Is this my best? I don't know. 

Isn't it funny that everyday when A comes home, I pretend to be asleep and we do this entire play-act thing where I open one eye and find him staring at me from the door, and I pretend I didn't notice him come in and get startled, and then we laugh about it. Every day. 

Little notes from Notes.

 Today is Friday. Feels like a Friday which is just the way I want it. I made biryani today. From the recipe on the box. It came out good enough. I also made sewiyan again. I want to make something sweet every Friday. Let's see if I can follow through. There's something about creating your own little traditions. 

It's almost golden hour. Me and A had a good meal and watched Ted lasso. Now he's on the phone and I've come to the room. I might nap. Afternoon naps can be so nostalgic. I'm conveniently ignoring the mountain of strange and frustrating work that's pending for me. I need to do more if we want to go for a hike tomorrow. Yikes. 

We did the hike and it was glorious. I feel like writing more now. That's good. I did a ton of laundry this morning and I'm happy with the results. Speaking of being happy with the results, I have been trying some more of mom's recipes lately. I made mutton last night. And the masala tasted just like my mom's. To make something that my mom makes and have it taste just like hers. It's like recreating Home.

It's Friday again. I have showered and used a new towel and wore a new shirt that says 'Less Monday, more summer'. Whatever that means. And I rubbed a little scent on my neck. I feel good. I'm going to have Chai and a vanilla biscuit. I've been avoiding work since I woke up. Maybe I should dive into it. Confront the anxiety monster. Maybe just a little hello. Let's see. 

I was going to wake up early today and be productive. Instead, I took the day off. Day off from everything. The laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, the working, the studying, the walking, the visiting. I lounged on the couch most of the day. Me and A went to the Desi restaurant to have my favourite daal which was disappointingly bland. But good day overall.

I find it insane, Beethoven's progressive deafness at the peak of his career. You couldn't write a better script. Speaking of scrips, Watched the Succession finale last night. What a show. A masterpiece. I love it when brilliant art leaves me in awe. Aren't we lucky? That creativity exists. Genius exists. And perfect execution exists. To even have the ability to appreciate such craftsmanship. *chef's kiss* These are the good things in life. 

I'm flying to see V in a few days. That's combined with a career related thing. Anxiety and excitement. I hope June is kind to me. I am afraid I wasted May a little. I have so many conflicting thoughts. Some thoughts I'm afraid to think. I don't know man.

Portion control.

 I haven't been writing. Not in my journal, not here, not in my notes. Maybe a line or two in the password protected app on my phone. A little bit on tissue papers. I haven't been writing because I have been afraid of feeling. Still am, but better. I'll give this a shot.

I'm typing, btw, on A's work laptop. It's a strange feeling. We went for a walk around the lake earlier today. Around 8ish. The sun was setting, a man was fishing, the ducks were being a*holes, and the birds chirping away. The walk turned into a nice steady jog, one that I badly needed. I was working on my research article most day today. Almost gave me a migraine it did. I needed the run and the ducks and the endorphins. 

I don't know what else to say. I don't know how to write without being consumed. My thoughts go back home every time I start to write, and that makes me teary eyed and I just don't want to go down that road. Still don't. It's not that I have not cried. I have. I do. Every now and then. But i know that if i let myself, I could - I would, go on for days. I don't want to do that. So bite sized palatable portions of homesickness for me for now. 

I have more work tomorrow. I really really hope I can get some shit done. 

Something that I enjoy doing here is going for grocery runs with A. We go to the mall every other day. I don't know why suddenly, it is so much fun to get grocery every day. I enjoy that. I enjoy going to the nearby drugstore as well. I enjoy wiping the kitchen counters clean and the stove top clean before I sleep. Its easy to do, and makes me feel productive. I've been cooking a lot. That's huge. I feel great when I make something good. I have made Chicken karahi three times now. It was good every time. Yay me. 

M says I need to validate myself for my achievements because at the end of the day, no one will know my battles, my mountains, my struggles the way I do. Maybe for someone, its just chicken karahi or sewiyan. For me, it's a triumph over the stickiest mental barrier.

I have one month before I go visit V. DAMN. The excitement. We will be meeting after maybe 6 years? I don't know. We talk every day. Every. Day. Now that we are in the same (well, almost) time zone, we talk on the phone more often. And we finally get to meet in June. I think it will be wholesome.

My hands are cold. But I have the window open, cuz I'm trying to air dry our laundry. The dryer apparently shrinks the clothes. What's the point then? And why has no one solved this problem in 2023?

A is home and brought back some cheesecake. I'm going to have it tomorrow morning after or in prep for my zoom class that will induce stress thankyou. 

I am going to start writing more in my notes app. And hopefully some of it will end up here. 

Let's see. 

Tiger in a tiger's mask.

 I've been trying to write a post for a month. I guess I'm not the only one. But the reason I haven't written is because I'm afraid of emotions to spill over. I'm barely keeping afloat. 

I have moved across the world. 

I will write more later. It's not that there isn't much to write. The opposite actually. But I can only do that when I have my wits. Currently, not sure If i do.

Tea tastes good today, finally.

Feb.

 February is right around the corner. My favourite month by FAR. Something magical about feb. AND I am hoping i will get my visa next month as well. Its a feeling. And its the last touch of winter. And I was borned in feb too.

I have developed a new obsession: Fragrances. 

Its an expensive obsession. I want a huge perfume closet. I want all of them. There a couple on my list that i will definitely get once I move. Last night I wore a very nice scent and enjoyed it through out the time I was out. However, no one complimented me. Wtf? That's alright..I guess.

Can you tell, I'm a tad bit over caffeinated right now. A little wonky tonky.

I've got to say. A bed side table is an amazing thing. Everything you need is there. Mine currently has my water bottle. A night cream. My watch, charger, lamp. Floss. A couple of hair pains. Melatonin. A hair tye. A gel pen. A mug of green tea. My earbuds. A box of tissues. And an eye mask that I don't use. WHAT ELSE can one need? I also think I need to declutter a bit lols. On the other side however I have my journal, another pen. A tasbeeh. Panadol. And a tweezer. I think I am equipped for life, just sayin.

When they say emotional regulation is the most important skill to have, perhaps they are right. At times I stick out like a sore thumb, more often than I'd like. And more often than not, I channel my inner snail. And retreat to my shell. And more often than not, it seems to be the only way to go. However, I'm glad that tomorrow is a new day. Its almost a miracle. How we get a new shot at life every 24 hours. We take it for granted, but it really is a blessing. To begin over and over. 

Well. Today is the 1st of Feb. And guess what. My visa arrived. Miracles do happen. I told A, we will be cuddling ten hours per day and I will glue myself to him and he said I can do whatever I want.  

But also guess what, I've been mush inside all day. I am feeling at least 73 emotions right now. And have cried about 15 times as well. I don't know if anyone can understand all that I am feeling and why. But I do feel it all, and intensely so. A mountain of uncertainty lies ahead. There's that saying that goes something like Tell your mountains about your God. So i guess I shall. 

Every thought in my mind is tagged with an emotion. Sometimes I wonder how life would be if I didn't  have to hold back my tears so much, so often. Hmmm. Easier, I think. Life would be easier. 

a ten second poem

 I go for a walk 

and the trees

the ones with no leaves

are so beautiful

 i could cry

i try 

not to stare

at the white house 

on the way

the house with

 the lights

so bright 

I walk by

I try

Not to pry

At orion and his friends

but I do take a peak

every now and then

while Mozart

moves my heart

then i fall

lol

why?

cuz my head is in the sky

again.

Attempts.

 So, the new year is here. Its the 3rd already. What? I did not make any resolutions. To be honest, all i want is to have some control over my day, or days.

I love scented tissues. Scented most things actually. I have this black-grey cape shawl that my mom got me. It's something I've used quite consistently every winter. I love the way it smells. Of a blend of perfumes I've been 

There is some kind of a romantic living in the house next door. Two of his/her favourite songs are 'Summer wine' and 'Hello' .And he (i think its a him) always plays them in the morning. Its 11 am. And it feels kind of nice to have coffee in bed right now, and listen to Lionel Richie say I love youuu.

Aren't I a little too old to be dreaming of riding a bicycle in my old housing colony where i grew up, where the pedals get harder and harder to move? Can you get more basic

A post has been stuck inside me, and I write a sentence or two every day, but nothing sticks. 

Right, long distance is hard. But me and A have had some wonderful conversations during this time. Its a comfort, being on the same wavelength about life. To laugh about the silliest things. To be best buds with your life partner is an exquisite kind of joy. 

Blah

My cat ate a hair tie today. 

I'm going to post this. 

Hello to everyone who commented recently. How refreshing to know there are eyes on the other side of the screen as well. :) 

Freestyle

Is winter even winter if you don't sit by the heater and eat peanuts? 

I feel lonely. Even though s2 was here the past 2.5 days. I'm back to feeling this way. I feel unmotivated. And anxious. I got my cat spayed a few days ago. And boy has it been tough. I think I am not the best candidate for being a cat parent. I worry way too much. People tell me not to obsess but. I obsess. I have tried not to, but I am baseline worried all the time. I don't think I should be a cat parent. Even though I love my cat. There I said it.

Two other things about me, are that I require a certain amount of control over my routine and my time. And when it is involuntarily taken from me, my battery drops so fast - before you know it I'll either explode or implode. Another thing about me is. I don't like to multitask in life. Bas.

I'm weirdly nostalgic about my hostel life right now. I don't recall the last time I felt this way. Somehow  lately, in spite of living alone more or less, having a lot of free time and not many obligations, I continue to feel out of control. As if, I'm trying to keep up and do what needs to be done but constantly falling short. I'm half tempted to start one of those 'living alone diaries' or 'study with me' vlogs. But I hate putting myself out there. Publicly. Inviting people in. I just can't. That's maybe the main reason i haven't switched to insta-blogging. I just like this better. M said some things that resonated with me today. She said I have been so used to having my routine be controlled by external factors that now when most of them have been removed, I don't know what to do with myself. She said I will have to cultivate motivation myself. 

I cooked Achari aloo today. I wanted more praise than got.

Last night I baked some sweet potatoes for the first time. I overcooked them, but they still tasted beautiful. I have realized that i love sweet potatoes. Yum!

These days I'm exploring the pleasures of sitting in the steam room after a swim. The first day, I could barely sit for 5 minutes. Now I think I can sit for 15 mins easy. Its somewhat cathartic. Just passively exfoliating my emotions. 

WHY. WHY is is that just because I have a phone. Anyone can reach me, and then I am obligated to reach back? And give some shit ass excuse to why I didn't answer earlier? Why why why why why. I don't like being so accessible. :(

My cat's had her 10 day follow up at the vet today. To get her stitches removed. And unfortunately, and because the world hates me, the incision has not fully healed. And now I need to apply an ointment to her wound twice a day for 5 more days and continue to limit and monitor her. Kill me. 

I have missed out on all FIFA matches. Will I watch the semi final tonight? Its the semi final is it not? Not sure. 

Watching The White Lotus lately. The soundtrack is the main character of the show. 

I think Im going to change up my blog's look. Its too dark and what not. We'll see.

Bye I'm angry.