Sunny smoke.

 It was hard to wake up today. I still did though. At 8 something a.m. Problem was, the headache from last night that i thought sleep would kill, persisted. It's still here. Brain fog and forehead ache. 

Ive had a cup of coffee and tea each, but here i am. Unfocused, nerves tightly wound and painful. 

Cherry on top is that there's construction going on in the house next to us and a concert right next to it. The music isn't that bad but it's in my mental space. Constantly. Even the sound of cars passing by is irritating me. I have tons to study. Panadol hasn't worked. UGH.

Oh and of course. The sneezing. Its the smog.

Yes, i'm going to lie down for a bit. Let's see. 

--

Just finished watching The bridges of madison county.  For the first time. How did i miss this? What a joy. How it makes your heart move. Maza aa gya. 

Me and A recently ordered a new vacuum and an air purifier. We expect delivery today. He texted me from work saying he'd told everyone about how he had gotten an air purifier and it made him feel very modern. I told him i knew he'd do that. And is it odd that it made me be more in love with him. Our matching enthusiasm for new domestic appliances. His more for the air purifier and mine for the vacuum.  

There's something peaceful about our little home. A joyful alignment of cores. A little dance of elasticity. A dash of stress. Abundant ease. 

As we descend deeper into winter, and the world gets quieter, it gives us a chance to listen to what we usually miss in the loud commotion of summer. What makes our hearts beat fuller? What warms us on cold winter mornings? Pay attention to the silent and the subtle, for therein lies the truth. 

--

Something odd is happening to me. My thoughts turn into poetry at night, my mind a forest of poems and dreams. I hit the sweet spot right before the curtain falls. And so there are three unfinished poems in my Notes and heart. One of them is called Homecoming, which is something i really want to talk about. But lets see.

I want to prove myself to myself. That's the real test, but i'm not sure i'm the fairest judge. I'm not sure if the test is fair even. All i know is i have to do well. To put an end to the rubbish nonsense shit i give myself for coming short every time. 

--

I've been called weak, sensitive and emotional consistently, all my life. But at least my heart is soft. Its soft with love. Its heavy with tears. It shakes with worry, threatening to overflow at the slightest touch. But At least its not hard. And it's not bitter. And I thankGod that it isn't so. It's a privilege I don't take lightly. 

--

My dad made dad jokes with me over the weekend. Made my day.

--

We went up north last month. The was a giant mountain right outside our room. I named it Candy. I miss candy. I want to write more about that trip, but i need beautiful words for that. I'll wait for them to come. Then maybe. 

--

Just gratitude things.

Things I am grateful for today:

To be able to have a self care day. Stayed in bed with an achy body. Had breakfast served to me. Egg, toasty toast, butter croissant with some peanut butter and some wake-me-up coffee. Watched downton abbey with it.

I did my Friday prayer. 

s1 gave me some surprise money for an impulse foundation purchase I made. 

Laughter that made my back hurt, with s2 last night. 

This quiet evening. The promise of winter. And my 'Digest' green tea. 

The new journal that i bought.

My privilege. 

Friday mornings are for yoga.

after brewing up a storm within, i struggled to keep afloat all day

struggled to just be 

Thats how i spent my day Yesterday.

But Today, something good stirs inside of me. 

as i straighten my spine, flex my glutes and engage my core. As the pain of this stretch courses through me, I push just a little bit more.

as I take deep breaths, and ground my feet

something good stirs inside of me

as i watch a studio full of women of all shapes and circumstance,

Bond with each other over sweat and dance. As they

join their breaths in a unified exhale, loving themselves at least for today,

something good stirs inside of me

as i lay on the wooden floor with my eyes closed shut, my instructor ask us to imagine a paintbrush,

Paint your brain your favourite hues she says, something bright something bold,

I pick pinks blues and yellow first. But then i choose gold.

and something good stirs inside of me.

with a spring in my step i shower and change, say no to a donut and yes to multigrain,

as i give in to the stupor, after an abundance of tea,

something good, again, stirs inside of me.

Agency.

Gave in my one month's notice at work the other day. And the countdown has begun. Excitement. Dread. There are things i am looking forward to. Working out, sleep, preparing for another exam, structure, spending more time with family, reading, mindful activities. And then there are other things. Not earning, being available, struggling with self discipline. Missing the circle of friends/almost friends that i've made at work. Its hard to keep in touch when you're not seeing each other everyday, and not in the grind together. Work has also been an escape. A necessary escape? But it has served its purpose and i must make some sacrifices now, if i want to move forward in life. I'm going to miss it. I'm going to miss hating it. But life goes on.

My dreams are intense these days. Its the sleep deprivation and the wonky routine. I've been dreaming of oceans. Being afraid and intimidated each time. Of the deep dark void. Don't know what's triggering it. Or maybe the Ocean is my future and that's what i am afraid of. 

I am struggling to find my voice. To own the space i occupy. To not be apologetic for my feelings, however many, however overwhelming - Oh wait. Is the ocean my feelings? Is that what i'm afraid of? My OCEAN like feelings? Hmmm. Not sure. Possible. My feelings. God. I've spent my whole life trying to find a home for my feelings. Have i found one yet? I don't know. I've found rooms however. And nooks. And corners. And yet there's a vast OCEAN, in my heart, that has no place to go. My ocean needs a home. Wow. Either this is all bullshit or maybe i am really making sense. Probably both.

There was a thunderstorm the other night, a beautiful one and there was me, half of me, misplaced, fixated on a dream that wasn't heard. 

It's not normal to be around so much death, all the time. People you know, people close to people you love. I found myself unable to sleep over someone who died whom i had only met 3 times. But i guess that's what this pandemic is doing to us. Insidious. Changing our lives in ways big and small. 

I have started a Paint by numbers thing. And while i do that, i often watch this pakistani drama that is my guilty pleasure these days. But say what you want. There's something about the main character that i quite appreciate. A personal struggle with love. Receiving and giving, both. 

Hmmm. More later. 

Hello, inner child.

 Tomorrow is Valentine's day and also a Sunday and I will be on call. Wow. Yay me.

I tried to make time turn slow today, but it didn't listen to me and ran fast. And now its after 10 already and on days that i'm tired or before really long exhausting challenging days, i like to be in bed by 10. But i am not. I'm watching Valentine's day. The movie. Watched Malcolm and Marie before that. Hmmm. Hmmm. I didn't hate it. I didn't love it either. I appreciate the effort. I enjoyed it. Zendaya and her little onesie type thing that she wore half the movie. Damn, i've been sneezing since yesterday morning. What was the Weeknds superbowl performance. It was lazy. I expected so much more. I love the Weeknd. But what the hell man. Lazy. 

Yesterday morning. It was hard to wake up. I snoozed for 50 minutes in bed before grumpily complaining to A about how impossible it was to wake up. But then he stroked my back for a while, and hugged me and told me he was going to make coffee for me. He ironed by clothes while i showered and hurried to leave on time. And while i was in the car, i thought to myself..hmmm. This isn't so bad. Having someone to wake up next to. Being held and hugged early in the morning making you feel a little less disgusted with the 9 hours of work ahead of you. It's nice. And comforting. A tonic, for my morning anxiety. 

I think, more important than anything in a relationship, any kind of relationship, is the feeling of safety. I think, for me, this is it. Every other thing and feeling ties in to this. The people i am closest to, or was ever closest to, made me feel Safe. I don't even know how to exactly explain what i mean when i say Safe, but in my heart i know it. I know exactly what i mean. And what that feeling is. And its either there or it isn't. Hmm. Okay, there's a ton more to explore here, which i think i will do on my own time. But i mentioned this here for a reason. Because its been on my mind. And that's all for now.

Winter is at its end. The days are hot and the nights are a relief. But it has started to smell of summer. Spring maybe. But things are already coming alive. Not a fan of summer sorry. I love how cold and metal like winter is and dark and cosy, so cosy. And chocolate. Summer is just loud. And alive. Which many might love, but doesn't resonate with me. Winter resonates with me. We vibe. 

Alright. I have lost my trains of thought. Yes. Trains. Multiple.

A wants us to make french toast right now. Some james oliver recipe he saw online. Oh man when will i have a day where i will sleep and sleep and sleep in the bed all day. WHEN? 

I got a haircut today.