Sometimes I wonder if I have forgotten how to write, because it has really been that long. I'm writing this while baby S is cooing next to me, struggling to poop while trying to eat her entire hand all at once. I might have to feed her soon. I should quickly drink the iced water A left for me on the coffee table before he left. It's almost 10 pm. A has been busy the entire week, hosting a cousin who's visiting from afar. And I have been patient and saintly and generous. But also struggling with parenting alone, at times the entire day. I tell myself every day that I need to write more, write something, anything. But when there is time, I am so tired, I don't know where to start. I just started following someone on Instagram who was writing about being a mom, reading books and finishing her PHD, and that inspired me to open my laptop and come here. Hi.
My little baby looks like my husband. A mini A. But sometimes, when she sleeps, her mouth looks like mine. But her beautiful big beetle eyes and button nose - where did those come from? I'm not so sure.
A has bought a jasmine plant, and he takes great care of it. Every day he plucks a couple of jasmines and places them next to my bed, or in the middle of the day he brings them to me, and every time I smell them, it takes me back to midsummer nights at home.
I finished a book called Katabasis. I would rate it 1.5/10. The marks are just for the effort the author put into research and her attempt at world-building, which was juvenile at best. I'm going to continue Theo of Golden now. I have higher hopes for it.
Technically, I should sleep. But one, I'm not really sleepy. And two, it's quiet at home, and I can have some me time. I can drink some of the yakhni I defrosted two days ago. And of course I have to pump and do the bottles and whatnot. I hope baby doesn't wake up.
I feel pretty lost these days. Which reminds me, I'm watching Lost, the show. I didn't see it when it was all the rage, and now I'm enjoying it. But yes, I am pretty lost in life as well. Postpartum is a real thing - who knew? Lol. The biggest thing is not feeling like myself. Unmoored is the word. Motherhood has made me question many things. What really makes me Me? What makes my life Mine? What is the thing I mourn the loss of the most due to lack of time/effort? Whose opinion matters to me? I don't know. I'm not so sure anymore. Maybe this is a chance to reshuffle and readjust the pieces of my life so they align with what I want my future to look like. But what do I want my future to look like? Can I figure it out? Do I even have the mental bandwidth to do that? Or am I going to float away and stay lost?
I have more to say, but I am tired now. I hope I write again soon.
