9 good things.

Whenever i decide to write something, whether its in my journal, or here, or in the Notes section of my phone, i tend to write about what's bothering me. Whatever is gnawing at me at the moment. And more often than not, i find myself in a sullen, kind of quite melancholic state afterwards. Which is why, i often avoid writing when some thing is on my mind because i don't want to feel worse. So i'm going to force my self to write about something different today. I shall write 10 things that were good about today. Yes. Let's begin.

1. Had a really hearty time with parents this evening. For a change, I was the one eager to make conversation. I told them stories and made them laugh. I showed dad how i take my inhaler so perfectly and then coughed midway which made dad laugh. Today, i wasn't the one who got up and went to my room. Dad got up and said, okay i'm going to go pray now. And i was happy i spent that time with them.

2. I looked nice in my grey and silver clothes.

3. I stopped for a bit at s2's. We caught up and complained about things to each other and its so funny how we are married and discuss different things and give each other tips and tricks. She said we should be living together. And i agree.

4. Also had a nice chat with s1 right before i broke my fast. I was alone and whiny and she said let's talk and you can whine. And we did. Soul was nourished a little bit more. And tummy too.

5. Had two cups of chai. One after the other.

6. Coming home to shower and changing into my blingy water melon shirt.

7. Listened to something that got me in touch with my spirituality and made me cry. Feels good to know i still feel the same things.

8. Right now, i'm quite excited to go to sleep. I have been feeling sleepy all day, and i am looking forward to finally giving in. And waking up late tomorrow.

9. I did something that i think may be good for my mental health. Here's hoping i don't abandon it a second time.

Alright 9 will have to do. I can't think of anything else. Good effort. Thanks bye. 

Finding agency.

The last few days have been a soup of emotions. I've had two major meltdowns, and a couple of mini ones. Why? Hormones. Life. Maybe both.
So I decided to heal myself. Or at least try. I came home to meet the parents, and well my visit wasn't so much about the parents. But I spent time with s2 and we talked and talked. Validated each other's concerns and had a laughing fit while brushing our teeth. Snorted toothpaste up my nose and felt minty up there for a while. s2 left today. But I decided to stay another day. Things with parents are okay. However, things in my head aren't. I went for a walk. Talked to V. And to my relatively new friend Astha. It was fun. Comforting. To walk in a place so familiar. Actually, now that I think about it, more than this room, more than this house, or the other house I live in, what I would call Home the most is maybe the streets that I walk on, in this housing society I live in. The park, the lanes, surrounded by houses and their tiny lawns. That. My heart turns into butter pudding when I think of my walks. I love my walks, and its a shame, shame! that I don't get to do that anymore. I always need an escape. And journaling, and sleep just doesn't cut it. Treadmill doesn't even come close. I want the ground under my feet, and I want to breathe fresh (relatively) air, and smell this and that. Mostly flowers. Oh man. But well, I got to do that today, and it was good. Really good. And I'm glad.
Im not healed though. Because I don't know what will heal me.
Binge watching Doctor Foster helped a little bit.
On top of everything that is currently contributing to rot my mind, there's also that bit about losing a friend. Just like that. Sometimes I worry that I haven't processed it and that's probably not healthy. Sometimes I wonder if its permanent or just a phase. But then most days I don't wonder about it at all.  I dream about it constantly, because my brain is really cute about subconsciously hanging on to things that I've brushed under the rug. But other than that. There's not much to it. Things just are. And I don't think about it.
Im not thriving.
A lot is great right now in my life, and always has been. Blessed and what not. But I can't say I'm thriving. Not really. And that makes me restless.
I randomly watched an interview of Irfan Khan who passed away yesterday and he said something about finding room to 'exercise your convictions'. And that has stayed with me for some reason.
Im hungry.
But oh God I'm loving this. Weird sense of freedom. Hmm.