Inaction.

I haven't been able to figure it out. Between what is and what should be. Should it be? I don't know. Maybe I ought to write more to figure some things out. It's an ongoing thing though. I haven't been writing, as usual. Is that a kind of running away? Or is it turning my face from the things I will write about, the threads I will pluck at? Some times I think - these past few years..I may have chosen comfort, rest, good times, over ambition, discomfort, hustle. Not all the time, but perhaps more than I should have. But that's also a question I don't know the answer to. Or don't want the answer to. 

If someone asks me what my biggest achievement in life is, my answer will be : my relationships. The one's I've built, the ones I've lost but experienced, the one that continue to nourish and enrich my life. That is all. One more thing - and this is something I think about and feel quite frequently - If someone were to ask me what I like best about my life, my answer will be : I have been well-loved. I have. Family, friends, husband, and others who do not belong to any one cohort but exist. People who have loved me for and despite me being myself. What a privilege, what a privilege this is.

I'm reading this book called 'Dream Count'. I'm on the last section of the book and I am looking forward to being done with this, even though I have enjoyed the process. I want to read a thriller next and the excitement of reading a good thriller is making me want to finish this one. 

I'm really grateful for the day I had today. I had the day off from work. I did three loads of laundry, and folded them away as well. I made chowmein that was yummy. I showered, prayed. Watched 'When life gives us tangerines' and cried for a bit. Video called s2, which was long due. Did a little bit of grocery with A. We watched the second last episode of Parenthood and I am not ready for the finale. I'm going to cry and cry. I paid for something important that needed to be done. And now I'm in bed, sipping my green tea and writing in here after what feels like and probably has been, forever. 

I'm looking forward to work tomorrow. What I'm looking forward most to, is this Friday. For context, today was Monday. Friday, all my colleagues are coming over and we are going to have a crazy time. I'm scared I might have hyped it up too much in my head, but really, I'm so excited to have everyone over. 

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^ That was a draft that has been collecting dust in my dashboard like many others, for quite some time now. I did some journaling today. Did some uncomfortable tasks, ate some fat cherries. Got my period. Found a good belt. This and that. But after I journaled, I realize, like every other time, how necessary it has become to write my thoughts down with a pen. It gives my thoughts a chance to slow down, the mind to stop racing for a little bit. I promise myself that I will write more here, and yet. Its been months, many months since i last wrote anything. I won't allow myself to lose my mental bandwidth this way. Although that's what it feels like lately. Weekdays are a blur and so are the weekends. I have 2 weeks off. I have spent days doing not much, followed by a bout of insane productivity this morning. Hence, the self reflection and the deliberate decision to sit down and write. 

Part of me shies away from writing in here because of how scary the internet has become. It's not something I ever worried about before, every single time I wrote in here. I didn't care who read it, some friends, mostly strangers. But now.. I'm not sure. Makes me think twice. Ow. I think I ate a bad cherry.

Okay I am going to post this. And I WILL write more soon.