Heartburn.

 It did not get so cold here this time. I was waiting for snow, but it hasn't come yet. Will it? I hope it does, even if for a weekend. No one but me is waiting and hoping for that. I am aware. It did get kind of cold last night, and for the first time me and A were not uncomfortably warm in our duvet, and when I woke up, it was 7 am something. A was getting ready for work, and there was minimal light in the room. And I felt so so cozy. I thought: life is soooo good. And to be honest, I've been feeling that a lot these days. 

But also, some shit has been going on. And I am desperate for a solution. If things do not go right, I don't know what I will do and I don't want to be so stressed about it, but I am. *sigh*

Today was an interesting day. I had a videocall with a friend I haven't spoken to in a long time and it was nice to see that we could talk comfortably despite the years and the distance. Refreshing, in a way. I also spoke to mom, and then s1. I feel socially nourished. I am having coffee now, and a cake that someone in the family baked and brought over last night. Me and s1 talked at length about the importance of connections and family and values. 

I have been in a black hole for the last 2 days. In the midst of an anxiety ridden worry storm, and at this point, there is not much I can do but wait and pray for something that is not in my control, but the stakes are high. This morning, I decided to try to make myself feel better. Took the longest shower, tried to scrub, shave, moisturize and perfume the darkness away but there it is. Inside me, nagging at me, gnawing. But at least I feel soft and smell good. I am going to try to be productive now. Let's see how that goes. 

There is comfort in it being Friday today. I was supposed to study more today, but I took another great shower. Went and got my bloodwork done, talked to the building manager about some stuff, and felt very accomplished. Currently, I'm sipping on some coffee and having leftover cake. Again. Its been raining all morning. So cozy. There is comfort in it bring Friday because. For the next two days, I can shut my brain off and not think about weekday life where emails will be sent and stress will loom high once again. For now, its Friday afternoon and I am going to hide behind that. 

Just found out that A is working from home on Monday and Tuesday, so when panic hits on Monday, I won't be alone. Yay. I had a ton of Maggie in the afternoon, and now it's almost 7 pm and I'm getting hungry. I think my throat is getting sick. There's a painful spot on the left side that makes it's presence known every now and then. Sore throat, stay away please, I can't. Anyway as I was saying, I'm getting hungry and we are going to have dinner soon and probably watch Bridgerton. Can I talk about some of my guilty pleasures? I love watching make up tutorials, and body care rituals and study with me vlogs, and What's in my bag videos. Its so much fun. This content is soothing to me. Lol. Also, this is not a guilty pleasure but it's kind of a confession. Whenever I watch someone perform excellent art, I'm so easily overwhelmed and I often want to cry, but mostly hide it. But when I'm alone, I cry. Last night, I heard a girl sing a song and I teared up. This morning, I heard a man get excited about flying kites again and I teared up, again.

It's Sunday evening now. A is at the gym. I showered, and had some daal with bread and some pomegranate. Did I mention I'm obsessed with pomegranate these days? I eat it everyday. Anyway. Yesterday was busy. We spent most of the day renting a Uhaul to pick up some furniture. Had breakfast out as well and then samosas for lunch and actually McDonald's for dinner. Damn. Today, I had an errand in the morning. After which we had a nice breakfast at home. Dozed off on the couch while ODing on Bridgerton. Wasted some time, and now I'm here in front of the laptop again. 

It is Tuesday now. I am studying, as usual. I am also kind of wasting time trying to decide what youtube content to consume during my mini breaks between questions. I have some really bad habits. But the good thing is, I'm showered, fed, caffeinated and scented. Sweet. The next two weeks are looking busy. I have hangouts with friends planned next week two days in a row and then a conference thing I have to attend in the mornings. Grateful for that btw. I also have a driving test next week. And some other errand-y stuff. Oh and a family birthday party for kids this weekend, which we have to buy presents for. Hmmm. In case it isn't obvious, I get lonely while studying. It has always been a problem. I find distractions. I like to text all my people (which aren't many so it doesn't really help) and I end up writing in here more often. That helps a little bit.

Okay this will probably be my last entry for this post. Its 11:44 am on a Wednesday morning. I am home as usual. In case I haven't mentioned, I have taken a study break from work, hence all the time at home. Hence all the writing. I woke up feeling a little low today. I don't know if much can be done about it. I had insane dreams. Nothing new about that either. I am drinking my pomegranate juice, and sitting in a different section of the house. I am in such a different phase of life these days. Feels unreal. Gotta keep going. Just keep swimming, as they say. I don't believe I have written anything even remotely entertaining through out the post. And I'm sure I repeated myself a lot. But that's' how life is right now. I think I will look back at this time at some point with yearning. Might as well enjoy it. 

Okay, that was not the last entry. Its 1 pm. Time for a break. I'm going to shower, pray, make myself look kind of nice, maybe have a snack? And then get back to this. I will try for it to not take really long. Because today, I am going to be productive AF. (I might start documenting this stuff. Maybe THAT will help me). Except. There's no real accountability. Who's going to say anything if I don't follow through? Hmm. 

Its 3 pm. It was a 2 hour break. But i also had a full lunch. Now post-food stupor will hit me but I also took a few sips of my morning coffee. Btw, I have a great view outside the window. Snow peaked mountains, blue sky, trees. Very nice. 

5 :17 pm. Its getting dark now. I have one more prayer to do. And also waiting for A to come home. I think I will be able to achieve my studying goal for today. Why does it not feel enough though? I also vacuumed a little, changed the bedsheets, and loaded the dishwasher. I did not fold the laundry. Maybe after dinner. There's a kitkat ice cream in the freezer that is calling out to me. Maybe that after dinner as well. Okay bye for now.

2026.

 I'm kind of scared right now. My life has a few stressors, that have pretty much stayed the same for years now. Makes me wonder if this says something about me. Have i not done anything to change/makes things better? Why am I struggling with the same things? Also. I've realized that I have lost my habit of writing, or am in the process of losing it. Is it because I am much more extroverted now? I engage with other people instead of quietly writing it all down somewhere or the other? Or maybe, I am an adult now and there is no time. Always rushed, if not physically then mentally. Occupied, frantic. And when I'm relaxing, there are a billion other things I'd rather do, which translates to barely doing anything at all. Do you know what I mean? One thing that has improved over the past year however is that I have been reading quite a lot, not counting this last month. But otherwise yes. Me and my friends created a book club and have read 9 books already. I think the book club is on a hiatus right now. But I am still reading two books on the side hehe. The last one i started which was actually the cause of the hiatus was 'Remarkably beautiful creatures'. Its about an Octopus and I just couldn't get into it. Maybe it is a nice book, but I just couldn't. So I'm going to read something else. To get out of my reading funk. 

Are we going to talk about the past year? I mean, its 2026 as of yesterday. Life is so different. And it's going to continue to change dramatically this year. I am looking forward to it. I have to say though, the last two years. Damn. I feel so lucky, to be living the life that I live. Yes, despite the constant stressors, life has been pretty great. I got to spend so much time with friends who started out as colleagues, work, make our apartment cozy, save some money (a teeny bit), buy things I wanted, travel home and then again to see S1. How am I able to do all of this? Everyday, I wake up and I look out the window and I do a double take - is this really where I live? For as long as I do, I'm going to cherish it. 

Sometimes I want to be an influencer. Except, I don't want to influence anyone. I just want to talk and yap about whatever I want. And maybe interact with other people. Is there nowhere I can do that? Instagram does not seem to be the place for it. Some people use Substack. But umm, I am too non-serious for that.

I am currently between what is called a rock and a hard place. I don't know. What will it be? Anyway, I'm feeling chatty. I'm wearing this new fragrance and the dry down is so pleasing to me right now. I put it on this afternoon and now it's just me in my bed, studying (yes, still), sipping on green tea and basking in this sweetness called Dama Bianca.

It's the next morning now. I'm in the living room, decided to get some studying done before A wakes up. Feeling very negative about the whole studying situation right now. Sigh. Anyway, its very misty and grey outside but I love it. I have our little fireplace heater on, and I'm eating an apple. Looking forward to breakfast. Today is Saturday morning btw. Holidays are finally over, but I am not ready to go back to work. Ah, I am not feeling a lot of zest for life this morning. 

Me and A just came back from shopping for a table lamp. Got one, got a lamp table, painting, and shelves as well. Heh. I love buying things for the apartment - no guilt there. I had chicken tenders and a slice of pizza for dinner. Not the healthiest choice. I'm sleepy now. 

Time for my favorite part of the day. Green tea and reading in bed. Yum. Alright bye.

Inaction.

I haven't been able to figure it out. Between what is and what should be. Should it be? I don't know. Maybe I ought to write more to figure some things out. It's an ongoing thing though. I haven't been writing, as usual. Is that a kind of running away? Or is it turning my face from the things I will write about, the threads I will pluck at? Some times I think - these past few years..I may have chosen comfort, rest, good times, over ambition, discomfort, hustle. Not all the time, but perhaps more than I should have. But that's also a question I don't know the answer to. Or don't want the answer to. 

If someone asks me what my biggest achievement in life is, my answer will be : my relationships. The one's I've built, the ones I've lost but experienced, the one that continue to nourish and enrich my life. That is all. One more thing - and this is something I think about and feel quite frequently - If someone were to ask me what I like best about my life, my answer will be : I have been well-loved. I have. Family, friends, husband, and others who do not belong to any one cohort but exist. People who have loved me for and despite me being myself. What a privilege, what a privilege this is.

I'm reading this book called 'Dream Count'. I'm on the last section of the book and I am looking forward to being done with this, even though I have enjoyed the process. I want to read a thriller next and the excitement of reading a good thriller is making me want to finish this one. 

I'm really grateful for the day I had today. I had the day off from work. I did three loads of laundry, and folded them away as well. I made chowmein that was yummy. I showered, prayed. Watched 'When life gives us tangerines' and cried for a bit. Video called s2, which was long due. Did a little bit of grocery with A. We watched the second last episode of Parenthood and I am not ready for the finale. I'm going to cry and cry. I paid for something important that needed to be done. And now I'm in bed, sipping my green tea and writing in here after what feels like and probably has been, forever. 

I'm looking forward to work tomorrow. What I'm looking forward most to, is this Friday. For context, today was Monday. Friday, all my colleagues are coming over and we are going to have a crazy time. I'm scared I might have hyped it up too much in my head, but really, I'm so excited to have everyone over. 

--

^ That was a draft that has been collecting dust in my dashboard like many others, for quite some time now. I did some journaling today. Did some uncomfortable tasks, ate some fat cherries. Got my period. Found a good belt. This and that. But after I journaled, I realize, like every other time, how necessary it has become to write my thoughts down with a pen. It gives my thoughts a chance to slow down, the mind to stop racing for a little bit. I promise myself that I will write more here, and yet. Its been months, many months since i last wrote anything. I won't allow myself to lose my mental bandwidth this way. Although that's what it feels like lately. Weekdays are a blur and so are the weekends. I have 2 weeks off. I have spent days doing not much, followed by a bout of insane productivity this morning. Hence, the self reflection and the deliberate decision to sit down and write. 

Part of me shies away from writing in here because of how scary the internet has become. It's not something I ever worried about before, every single time I wrote in here. I didn't care who read it, some friends, mostly strangers. But now.. I'm not sure. Makes me think twice. Ow. I think I ate a bad cherry.

Okay I am going to post this. And I WILL write more soon. 

 I have two weeks off from work. Today is day 1. 

I had leftover kunafah from this Yemeni restaurant with tea, and it was so good. Morning was made. I don't have a lot on my to do list today. Don't know if that's good or bad. Oh crap. I have to call mom. So I'll do that before I forget. Okay did that. My mom cries every now and then, when we video call. She says she misses me. 'Kahan chali gyi ho?/Where have you gone?' And I say it's okay, and I make light it of it. And it's not my style to do that. Usually I would just cry with her. But somehow I don't. Somehow, I act okay and it works. Fake it till you make it I guess.

I've been a little homesick lately. It comes in waves. I try not to think about it, because what else am i going to do? 

I went to explore the nearby library today. 

The other day me and work colleagues went out for pizza. Stayed out for 3-4 hours, after which my jaws hurt from laughing and my voice cracked from talking so much. What a wonderful feeling. I inundate them with stories of pakistan. Social culture, language, slang, mannerisms, food, cricket. I find my self talking about home so much. That's comes as a bit of a surprise to me, but I'm glad to represent. 

It's day 6 or 7 today. Its raining this morning. The view from my window is dreamy. Trees, houses, a grey sky. And rain so imperceptible, you have to stare at tiny puddles on rooftops to notice the micro splashes, to know it's really raining. 

If i think about it. Success to me, is connection and fulfillment. Knowing you are good, are able to do good, and have enough money to live comfortably which is of course subjective. But peak success I think, is having, forming, sustaining genuine connections. Being loved, being understood, seen, supported. Laughing, crying, sharing, feeling that golden rush of emotion, the spark that lights your soul as it flows through you. The other day, I was thinking about what would be a good reason for me to bring a child into this world. And I thought for me, it could be a way to experience a love that transcends most other types of love. The ability to expand, not just physically but emotionally and mentally to make room for...more.. of everything. I think that would be reason enough.

Damn, this post has been sitting in my drafts for some time. I better post it. 

Look at us now.

 I've been an emotional soup for the past two weeks I think. Last week, a co-worker that i knew for barely three months, left. And i cried in front of everyone. At work. My tears love to betray me. But s1 later said not to worry, cuz its your style. I'm not sure I love my style, but its true, it really is my style. To cry in non ideal circumstances with -1000 control over my tears. Then I cried for two days over a really sad thing, and it broke my heart all over again. Some days, i was just a vegetable at home. I don't know what it is exactly. But. Man, these emotions. The other day I had a patient with something called Reactive anxiety. Halfway through her testing, she started to cry. She kept apologizing profusely for her tears. I wanted to hold her hand, and reassure her over and over. I did try. I told her i was a crier too and that it was completely okay. But she said she was mortified, and I felt so sad. 

Life is beautiful and achy. All the bloody time. 

I had the day off today. I woke up early. Made some phone calls. Talked to parents as well. Dad made jokes again, after a long time. My heart smiled. Mom told the same recipes over and over. I watched Daisy Jones and The six. Made myelf a paratha. Had lots of chai and half a slice of cheesecake. Took a long shower, sang songs from Smallville and One tree hill. And then cleaned the entire apartment. Did four loads of laundry. And made food. I'm waiting for A to get home, so we can have dinner. He will bring naan. Oh btw, we are moving into a new apartment at the end of this month. 

I've been writing so many posts on this blog. It's just that they stay in my mind, and never make it to the keyboard. Today i decided, I will write anything and just post. I don't want to stop writing. I always tell myself I will write more, but then don't. But. There's another thing. More and more, it almost doesn't feel safe, to put my thoughts out here. On the internet. Not that many people are reading it, its just that, many people can. I have thoughts from 10 years ago on here. I don't know. Feels kind of exposed. Oh well.

Sometimes, I am so proud of myself. Sometimes, I wish that was enough for me. 

Hmm. Its friday night today. I will try to write in here all weekend. Let's see what I come up with. 

Guess what it is today. Friday again. Ha ha. I wrote nothing all week, but here i am next friday, writing again. This week was nice. Had a bunch of half days at work, and I am off work again today. Wow. I'm about to make maggie and watch bridgerton. But what i am really doing, is running away from important things that I have to do. I just dont know okay? I don't know what to do. Maybe i do know what to do but i don't want to do it. I don't want to finish that research paper. I don't want to live in unceratinty anymore. YUCK. Sometimes I feel so resigned. You know how they say not making a choice is also a choice. Maybe that's what Im doing. 

I've been having anxiety dreams lately. A ton of them. 

The truth is, despite everything, life remains beautiful. What can I say. No one's going to have everything.

 Lately, I've had this feeling, over and over again. That. The connections, bonds and relationships you build over your lifetime are the most precious things in life. To meet people, old and new, to laugh with them, complain about how sucky adulting is, reminisce, offer support and get back some - it's beyond beautiful. Family, friendships, kind words. That's the stuff of life. I often think of how when we die, no one will talk about our grades, our designation or that paper we tried to publish or the job we couldn't get. They won't talk about that time you were having a bad hair day or your outfit wasn't on trend. They will talk about how well you listened, the advice you gave, the stories you shared and the laughter. They will remember that you made them feel at ease, you didn't judge, you made their day, perhaps their life, better. Me and s1 were talking the other day and I told her that I feel that I have been well loved. To be able to say that, to have witnessed love in its multitude, to have lived in people's hearts, to continue to do so - what else can one want? 

Fever dreams.

 A perfect time to write. 

It's 3:50 pm. Monday afternoon. Late afternoon? It's been raining non stop. Snowed a little while i was sleeping. While A was getting ready for work and I was dreaming up a murder mystery with an ensemble cast. Where I was the murder victim and right before the end, when the killer was looking for me and I was trying to call out for help, I lost my voice. No matter what I did, I couldn't shout for help. But then a stoned asian family sort of saved me. And then I woke up. It was 12. Noon. I had a two day old leftover falafel wrap for breakfast. And tried a new flavor of coffee. Both were great. The living room is cosy, the white buttery soft cardigan I'm wearing is cozy and so are my dog printed pyjamas. I'm watching that movie, Good grief on netflix. That is very cozy as well. 

You know what I miss? I miss friends. I miss the proximity of relations, friendships. The sillyness and laughter of friendships. The variety. That version of you that comes out with that person. Different people, different versions. But more or less the same. I spoke to V on the phone a while ago, and we talked about the royal family and then a little bit about our own families. THAT was very cozy as well. A warm heart, a light heart. Full, but not heavy. What else can one need?

If I could paint, I would paint portraits of people and fill the background with colours and images of what I imagine their subconscious would look like. I also feel that a lot of art lives inside me. An excess of emotion and imagination. What do I do with it? I think I would thrive in rooms with similar minds. But those rooms evade me. Those conversations evade me. Why please?

A great thing about cooking, other than eating delicious food, is boxing up some for your friends and giving it to them. I really love doing that. 

Another thing that I have realized about myself is that my personal style in terms of fashion, is very basic. Toned down, practical. Severe casual leaning. Not always. But it's what comes naturally to me. 

Its 9:54 pm now. It's still raining. I went to the gym. I ran. The endorphins did me some good. It snowed and rained at the same time, while i ran on the treadmill, listening to boyz in paris. Haha. Before that I went up to give our friends/neighbours the food I made last night. She gave me some pizza dough and a jacket. Sat with them for some chitchat. That was cozy too. It gave me joy. I've had dinner, I'm showered and scrubbed, smelling nice and finishing up Good Grief. 

This weekend, I'm flying. To meet s1 and to stay with her for a few weeks after which I fly back home. Since when is this my life, where I fly here and there. Who am I? A lot of things have worked out this year. I checked all the boxes, except for the main one, the one I worked all year for. Life is tricksy that way. I think I'm dealing with it better than I thought i would. Kudos to me. At the gym, I saw a Sean Bean doppleganger. Maybe it was him. I guess we will never know.