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Tuesday, June 7, 2022

Jigsaw cuddles.

 You tell yourself that everything will eventually work out. Things will fall into place, where they belong. Deep breaths. Pep talks. Muted palpitations. Compartmentalising. Procrastinating? Patience. Think positive. Take it one day at a time. We can do this. It's worth it. Much needed breaks. Paralysing anxiety.  Deadline fatigue. Attempts to focus. Learn. Memorise. Repeat. Sleep. Dreams as deep as sleep itself. Wake up. A barrage of kisses and hugs. Every morning. To do lists. Shit to do. Shit to worry about. Shit to be sad about. Shit to panic about. Shit to cry about. Shit to brush under the rug. Exploding love. Jigsaw cuddles. A quiet understanding. Shared silences. A premature longing. Amidst all of it, you tell yourself. Everything will work out. Everything will eventually fall into place. 

*

Yesterday was a full day. But a good one. We hopped from one government office to another. Stood in long lines, in 47℃, under direct attack from the sun itself. Got a lot of shit done. Had falsa juice and lemonade and top pops. Had a late lunch, early dinner at a place we like. Came home exhausted and binge watched Stranger things till late in the night. Made each other laugh through out. I cried in A's lap for a bit because of course. At one point, i told him i felt a lot of negative energy pent up inside me. When i'm done ranting, more often than not, his answer is either Yoga or Prayer. We often go for walks outside the house followed by Yoga with Adrienne. Makes my heart rest better. Last night i chose prayer. 

*

Lately I feel as if my heart has softened a great deal more. With love. The way you soak a wet cloth and it comes out drenched. Heavier. What has caused it? I don't know. But i feel it. Almost as if i have to take care of it. Guard it and nurture it. I don't know. I don't know. 

*

F*** double standards. 

Monday, April 11, 2022

Don't let the monkey drown.

 I'm having a tough time focusing. I'm having a tough time holding on to a single thought for more than 30 seconds. Ir maybe 5. I blame instagram. I've never been one of those people who go off social media and delete their apps when they decide to study for long periods or be productive in anyway. But now, at 30, (wow im thirty), it has finally started to make sense to me. I need my mind back. Also, I don't appreciate how just because I have a phone and i have whatsapp, I'm somehow available to everyone who has my number. At all times. Why? I think the solution is to just keep my phone away. I still do that from time to time, keep my phone at the other end of the room or not charge it when it has died down. Just for some respite. But unfortunately, before long, my monkey mind prances about, grabs my phone and checks out 20 different pages of online boutiques trying to decide what I want to wear on Eid, to impress aunties i don't even like, saving page after page because what if i might need it later?

Last night, while half asleep, i had this thought..that. This is not me. (keeping up with my theme of describing what is ME on this blog). I'm the girl who wears sneakers and a t shirt and goes happily about her day. Chirpin about. I'm the girl who has one good bag and one good wallet and refuses to hoard more because why should i? I feel i'm still that girl. Who is being held hostage by this IMPOSTER who wants to impulse buy 8/10 of the things instagram tells me i should buy.  How did i turn into this monster? Well granted, my tiny t shirts don't fit me anymore. But still. You get the idea right. I don't need that shit.

Its true i'm not 20 or 25 anymore and my life doesn't look the same. I don't look the same. My wishes and dreams have evolved as have my struggles and strengths. But for some things, I'd like to lean back into parts of me that I might have left behind. This is one of them. Simplicity. It's a core value and I'd like to hold on to it.

When me and A were about to get married, i told him I'm not very 'lady like', and am sort of a clumsy monkey at heart. And he said he wished and hoped that i would stay a monkey even after we got married and i wouldn't let the monkey drown amidst all the shit society throws at me. He probably doesn't even remember this conversation, but i do and so Project Monkey is on from today okay?

Project monkey sounds like a good name for a song i'd write. Now i almost want to write it.

I wanted this post to be about something else. I slept badly last night. I had a dream so elaborate and long, it felt like a Lord of the rings movie. I can't recall it right now but i do remember when i woke up i couldn't believe ALL that was just a dream. It was magnificent is all i'll say. I do impress myself I do.

I plan on having a good day today. I'll do some yoga. I'll study at a good pace. And sleep peacefully. 

Thanks.



Thursday, March 17, 2022

Where the light don't shine.


Sitting on my bedroom floor last night,

the room quiet, the lights dim, hands warm, feet cold,

 in a stolen oversized t-shirt saying 'I refuse to sink',

not an ounce of makeup on my skin, hair let loose,

having Rice and Spice from KFC, 

about 50 colour pencils sprawled around me,

trying to pick the right greens and the right reds,

listening to Joe rogan talk about sleep and psychedelics

comfortable in my own company,

I thought to myself..

this is Me!

Just like the rest of what is me. 

And maybe i should write more about what is Me.

Tell my story in my own words. 

When i was a kid, We used to write essays in school

'My self' - it was titled. Beginning of every year we did that.

I said I like fish and chips. With Fanta. 

And badminton was my favourite. And reading books was my hobby.

i was gonna be a doctor. And open a hospital for poor people.

My mom told me to say that. The doctor bit.

I didn't write about how i hated cockroaches, 

and rude people, and scoring less than an A+.

Wow, i digress. 

I was just saying.

Maybe i wanna re-write the essay. 

Re tell the story.

Maybe I will.







Saturday, March 12, 2022

Hearts on a t-shirt.

 

I know I've said this before, but i'll say it again. The person i am when i am out for a walk. I think that is who i really am. It's all me. Completely and absolutely. It's me and the trees. Me and the music, the podcasts, the phone calls, the thoughts, the silence. The bats, the birds. The khrch khrch khrch of my shoes on the gravel. The exhilaration. The wind in my face. Biting cold, or pleasantly cool. Even moist and heavy. It's me in my habitat. It's me and the sky.  The moon, the clouds. The smell in the air. It's mine. I really think it's all mine. 

My cat is on heat - AGAIN. I've had enough. Time for some snippety snip. 

Two of my friends gave birth this week. How surreal. 

Life likes to do a funny dance sometimes. I cried in the shower. Shadows of emotions followed me around all day yesterday, doing a dance of their own. At times, i really want to cry out loud about it. Really announce my grief to anyone who will listen. But no. It's a slow fucking mourning. And its taking its sweet time.

On the brighter side, it was s'2 birthday yesterday. It was plenty fun. Me s2 and mom went out for lunch. Girls day out. The weekend before that was also fun. There was laughter and food and stupor and some misadventure. Wholesome. Oh my. And the weekend before that. I turned 30. Yes. That happened. It was sweet. How do i feel about being 30? I feel ready. 

I think if I ever get a chance to give a giant acceptance speech for something amazing that I've done. I will definitely be taking time out to thank my gut. I am an anxious person. Remember that scene in Infinity war, at the end where Dr strange thinks of the gazillion future possibilities in the metaverse all at once? That's me 76 times a day. At least. Haha okay fine maybe not but. I can get like that. Yet every once in a while, my gut gets a feeling about something. It just knows. Like in the movies. And every time Ive leaned in to it, it has served me well. It has allowed me to make decisions not out of fear (a mistake that I've made many times in the past) but despite of it. And I'm so, so grateful for it. For a gut that has IBS, but also a gut that knows. 

Wow, all this talk of gut. I'm hungry.

Also this shade of white nail colour makes me look chic.

Tuesday, January 4, 2022

A little bit about last year.

Today seems like a day for writing. It rained when I wasn't looking and it's wet and grey outside. I'm wearing my extra warm sweater today. The haggard maroon one. Not letting this one go anytime soon. My coffee finished too fast. Some green tea will do. My green tea is called Morning glory. Or morning glow? One of those. An appropriate hot drink for this cold grey January morning. Well hot coco would've been more appropriate but I made an intention this morning that today was going to be a day of health, self care and productivity. How ambitious. New year new me right? New day, new me more like. 

 Lately, I have been all about gratitude and cherishing and savouring and acknowledging. The good in life. Feeling wholesome, full, warm. Despite the anxiety. Despite doubt, uncertainty, unsent messages, unresolved, unexpressed emotions. Loneliness. Stagnation. Loss. Guilt. Let it take it's place inside you. There's always room for more. For joy, laughter, for quiet evenings and quiet love, dancing with abandon, shower concerts, rambling poetry. For affection. To give. And receive it in abundance. To receive it over and over. There's space for old wounds that bleed fresh every now and then, and there's space for healing. There's space for doing the work and healing yourself and there's space for a little help. In fact all the help you can get. Why not. There's beauty. In feeling whole - with parts missing, broken, hurt. Et al 

 The year for me. Hmm. It was about. Oh it was beautiful. We went to a new years thing the other night (well, on The New years night i.e) and someone asked us what our biggest achievement was for the year. The answer came easy. For me. It was growth. I did some growing up yes i did. I worked, found fulfilment in it. I made friends and i worked hard. And then I quit when leaving wasn't easy. Struggled with self discipline. Worked out. Showed up for myself. Loved feeling my body change even though it wasn't the way I expected it to. Worked out for the joy of it. Wrote poems. Wrote a paper. Managed a household by myself. Made hummus and hot wings and banana bread. A lot of banana bread. Became a mama to a cat. Took time off for mountains and clean air. Got closure handed to me on a plate. I opened myself. I opened boxes inside me that hadn't been looked at in years. Got my hands dirty and sorted that shit out. Some was painful. And gut wrenching. Like when you cry from your chest and your intestines and it just keeps pouring out from God knows where. Your entire body is holding that shit. I don't save that kind of crying for deaths and devastation. It comes to me on a random Wednesday. But I also forgave myself for crying. I asked for love. I asked for safety. And I found it. I let my inner child come out to play. I made effort for change. I kept at it. Particle by particle. Block by block. Mountain by mountain. And I'm happy about where I am. A friend asked me what my new years resolution was. I said. To keep going. And she's like. That's not a resolution. That's something you'll do anyway.

 But it's not something I'll do anyway. It will take all of me. To keep going. To do things I've set out for myself. Even if it's terrifying. Or seems impossible. To not give up. To keep working on myself. To build relationships. To build myself. To keep making mistakes and then fixing them. Forgiving myself. Over and over. To understand my limits and then push them. And not hate myself every time I fail. To choose to live from a place of abundance and courage. Not scarcity and fear. To be one step closer to the person i aspire to be. And to stay kind. Through all of it. Kinder to myself. Kinder to those around me. 

Its hard.

 But it's what I plan on doing. I want to just keep going.

Thursday, November 18, 2021

Sunny smoke.

 It was hard to wake up today. I still did though. At 8 something a.m. Problem was, the headache from last night that i thought sleep would kill, persisted. It's still here. Brain fog and forehead ache. 

Ive had a cup of coffee and tea each, but here i am. Unfocused, nerves tightly wound and painful. 

Cherry on top is that there's construction going on in the house next to us and a concert right next to it. The music isn't that bad but it's in my mental space. Constantly. Even the sound of cars passing by is irritating me. I have tons to study. Panadol hasn't worked. UGH.

Oh and of course. The sneezing. Its the smog.

Yes, i'm going to lie down for a bit. Let's see. 

--

Just finished watching The bridges of madison county.  For the first time. How did i miss this? What a joy. How it makes your heart move. Maza aa gya. 

Me and A recently ordered a new vacuum and an air purifier. We expect delivery today. He texted me from work saying he'd told everyone about how he had gotten an air purifier and it made him feel very modern. I told him i knew he'd do that. And is it odd that it made me be more in love with him. Our matching enthusiasm for new domestic appliances. His more for the air purifier and mine for the vacuum.  

There's something peaceful about our little home. A joyful alignment of cores. A little dance of elasticity. A dash of stress. Abundant ease. 

As we descend deeper into winter, and the world gets quieter, it gives us a chance to listen to what we usually miss in the loud commotion of summer. What makes our hearts beat fuller? What warms us on cold winter mornings? Pay attention to the silent and the subtle, for therein lies the truth. 

--

Something odd is happening to me. My thoughts turn into poetry at night, my mind a forest of poems and dreams. I hit the sweet spot right before the curtain falls. And so there are three unfinished poems in my Notes and heart. One of them is called Homecoming, which is something i really want to talk about. But lets see.

I want to prove myself to myself. That's the real test, but i'm not sure i'm the fairest judge. I'm not sure if the test is fair even. All i know is i have to do well. To put an end to the rubbish nonsense shit i give myself for coming short every time. 

--

I've been called weak, sensitive and emotional consistently, all my life. But at least my heart is soft. Its soft with love. Its heavy with tears. It shakes with worry, threatening to overflow at the slightest touch. But At least its not hard. And it's not bitter. And I thankGod that it isn't so. It's a privilege I don't take lightly. 

--

My dad made dad jokes with me over the weekend. Made my day.

--

We went up north last month. The was a giant mountain right outside our room. I named it Candy. I miss candy. I want to write more about that trip, but i need beautiful words for that. I'll wait for them to come. Then maybe. 

--


Friday, September 17, 2021

Just gratitude things.

Things I am grateful for today:

To be able to have a self care day. Stayed in bed with an achy body. Had breakfast served to me. Egg, toasty toast, butter croissant with some peanut butter and some wake-me-up coffee. Watched downton abbey with it.

I did my Friday prayer. 

s1 gave me some surprise money for an impulse foundation purchase I made. 

Laughter that made my back hurt, with s2 last night. 

This quiet evening. The promise of winter. And my 'Digest' green tea. 

The new journal that i bought.

My privilege.