Heartburn.

 It did not get so cold here this time. I was waiting for snow, but it hasn't come yet. Will it? I hope it does, even if for a weekend. No one but me is waiting and hoping for that. I am aware. It did get kind of cold last night, and for the first time me and A were not uncomfortably warm in our duvet, and when I woke up, it was 7 am something. A was getting ready for work, and there was minimal light in the room. And I felt so so cozy. I thought: life is soooo good. And to be honest, I've been feeling that a lot these days. 

But also, some shit has been going on. And I am desperate for a solution. If things do not go right, I don't know what I will do and I don't want to be so stressed about it, but I am. *sigh*

Today was an interesting day. I had a videocall with a friend I haven't spoken to in a long time and it was nice to see that we could talk comfortably despite the years and the distance. Refreshing, in a way. I also spoke to mom, and then s1. I feel socially nourished. I am having coffee now, and a cake that someone in the family baked and brought over last night. Me and s1 talked at length about the importance of connections and family and values. 

I have been in a black hole for the last 2 days. In the midst of an anxiety ridden worry storm, and at this point, there is not much I can do but wait and pray for something that is not in my control, but the stakes are high. This morning, I decided to try to make myself feel better. Took the longest shower, tried to scrub, shave, moisturize and perfume the darkness away but there it is. Inside me, nagging at me, gnawing. But at least I feel soft and smell good. I am going to try to be productive now. Let's see how that goes. 

There is comfort in it being Friday today. I was supposed to study more today, but I took another great shower. Went and got my bloodwork done, talked to the building manager about some stuff, and felt very accomplished. Currently, I'm sipping on some coffee and having leftover cake. Again. Its been raining all morning. So cozy. There is comfort in it bring Friday because. For the next two days, I can shut my brain off and not think about weekday life where emails will be sent and stress will loom high once again. For now, its Friday afternoon and I am going to hide behind that. 

Just found out that A is working from home on Monday and Tuesday, so when panic hits on Monday, I won't be alone. Yay. I had a ton of Maggie in the afternoon, and now it's almost 7 pm and I'm getting hungry. I think my throat is getting sick. There's a painful spot on the left side that makes it's presence known every now and then. Sore throat, stay away please, I can't. Anyway as I was saying, I'm getting hungry and we are going to have dinner soon and probably watch Bridgerton. Can I talk about some of my guilty pleasures? I love watching make up tutorials, and body care rituals and study with me vlogs, and What's in my bag videos. Its so much fun. This content is soothing to me. Lol. Also, this is not a guilty pleasure but it's kind of a confession. Whenever I watch someone perform excellent art, I'm so easily overwhelmed and I often want to cry, but mostly hide it. But when I'm alone, I cry. Last night, I heard a girl sing a song and I teared up. This morning, I heard a man get excited about flying kites again and I teared up, again.

It's Sunday evening now. A is at the gym. I showered, and had some daal with bread and some pomegranate. Did I mention I'm obsessed with pomegranate these days? I eat it everyday. Anyway. Yesterday was busy. We spent most of the day renting a Uhaul to pick up some furniture. Had breakfast out as well and then samosas for lunch and actually McDonald's for dinner. Damn. Today, I had an errand in the morning. After which we had a nice breakfast at home. Dozed off on the couch while ODing on Bridgerton. Wasted some time, and now I'm here in front of the laptop again. 

It is Tuesday now. I am studying, as usual. I am also kind of wasting time trying to decide what youtube content to consume during my mini breaks between questions. I have some really bad habits. But the good thing is, I'm showered, fed, caffeinated and scented. Sweet. The next two weeks are looking busy. I have hangouts with friends planned next week two days in a row and then a conference thing I have to attend in the mornings. Grateful for that btw. I also have a driving test next week. And some other errand-y stuff. Oh and a family birthday party for kids this weekend, which we have to buy presents for. Hmmm. In case it isn't obvious, I get lonely while studying. It has always been a problem. I find distractions. I like to text all my people (which aren't many so it doesn't really help) and I end up writing in here more often. That helps a little bit.

Okay this will probably be my last entry for this post. Its 11:44 am on a Wednesday morning. I am home as usual. In case I haven't mentioned, I have taken a study break from work, hence all the time at home. Hence all the writing. I woke up feeling a little low today. I don't know if much can be done about it. I had insane dreams. Nothing new about that either. I am drinking my pomegranate juice, and sitting in a different section of the house. I am in such a different phase of life these days. Feels unreal. Gotta keep going. Just keep swimming, as they say. I don't believe I have written anything even remotely entertaining through out the post. And I'm sure I repeated myself a lot. But that's' how life is right now. I think I will look back at this time at some point with yearning. Might as well enjoy it. 

Okay, that was not the last entry. Its 1 pm. Time for a break. I'm going to shower, pray, make myself look kind of nice, maybe have a snack? And then get back to this. I will try for it to not take really long. Because today, I am going to be productive AF. (I might start documenting this stuff. Maybe THAT will help me). Except. There's no real accountability. Who's going to say anything if I don't follow through? Hmm. 

Its 3 pm. It was a 2 hour break. But i also had a full lunch. Now post-food stupor will hit me but I also took a few sips of my morning coffee. Btw, I have a great view outside the window. Snow peaked mountains, blue sky, trees. Very nice. 

5 :17 pm. Its getting dark now. I have one more prayer to do. And also waiting for A to come home. I think I will be able to achieve my studying goal for today. Why does it not feel enough though? I also vacuumed a little, changed the bedsheets, and loaded the dishwasher. I did not fold the laundry. Maybe after dinner. There's a kitkat ice cream in the freezer that is calling out to me. Maybe that after dinner as well. Okay bye for now.