Portion control.

 I haven't been writing. Not in my journal, not here, not in my notes. Maybe a line or two in the password protected app on my phone. A little bit on tissue papers. I haven't been writing because I have been afraid of feeling. Still am, but better. I'll give this a shot.

I'm typing, btw, on A's work laptop. It's a strange feeling. We went for a walk around the lake earlier today. Around 8ish. The sun was setting, a man was fishing, the ducks were being a*holes, and the birds chirping away. The walk turned into a nice steady jog, one that I badly needed. I was working on my research article most day today. Almost gave me a migraine it did. I needed the run and the ducks and the endorphins. 

I don't know what else to say. I don't know how to write without being consumed. My thoughts go back home every time I start to write, and that makes me teary eyed and I just don't want to go down that road. Still don't. It's not that I have not cried. I have. I do. Every now and then. But i know that if i let myself, I could - I would, go on for days. I don't want to do that. So bite sized palatable portions of homesickness for me for now. 

I have more work tomorrow. I really really hope I can get some shit done. 

Something that I enjoy doing here is going for grocery runs with A. We go to the mall every other day. I don't know why suddenly, it is so much fun to get grocery every day. I enjoy that. I enjoy going to the nearby drugstore as well. I enjoy wiping the kitchen counters clean and the stove top clean before I sleep. Its easy to do, and makes me feel productive. I've been cooking a lot. That's huge. I feel great when I make something good. I have made Chicken karahi three times now. It was good every time. Yay me. 

M says I need to validate myself for my achievements because at the end of the day, no one will know my battles, my mountains, my struggles the way I do. Maybe for someone, its just chicken karahi or sewiyan. For me, it's a triumph over the stickiest mental barrier.

I have one month before I go visit V. DAMN. The excitement. We will be meeting after maybe 6 years? I don't know. We talk every day. Every. Day. Now that we are in the same (well, almost) time zone, we talk on the phone more often. And we finally get to meet in June. I think it will be wholesome.

My hands are cold. But I have the window open, cuz I'm trying to air dry our laundry. The dryer apparently shrinks the clothes. What's the point then? And why has no one solved this problem in 2023?

A is home and brought back some cheesecake. I'm going to have it tomorrow morning after or in prep for my zoom class that will induce stress thankyou. 

I am going to start writing more in my notes app. And hopefully some of it will end up here. 

Let's see.