The last few days have been a soup of emotions. I've had two major meltdowns, and a couple of mini ones. Why? Hormones. Life. Maybe both.
So I decided to heal myself. Or at least try. I came home to meet the parents, and well my visit wasn't so much about the parents. But I spent time with s2 and we talked and talked. Validated each other's concerns and had a laughing fit while brushing our teeth. Snorted toothpaste up my nose and felt minty up there for a while. s2 left today. But I decided to stay another day. Things with parents are okay. However, things in my head aren't. I went for a walk. Talked to V. And to my relatively new friend Astha. It was fun. Comforting. To walk in a place so familiar. Actually, now that I think about it, more than this room, more than this house, or the other house I live in, what I would call Home the most is maybe the streets that I walk on, in this housing society I live in. The park, the lanes, surrounded by houses and their tiny lawns. That. My heart turns into butter pudding when I think of my walks. I love my walks, and its a shame, shame! that I don't get to do that anymore. I always need an escape. And journaling, and sleep just doesn't cut it. Treadmill doesn't even come close. I want the ground under my feet, and I want to breathe fresh (relatively) air, and smell this and that. Mostly flowers. Oh man. But well, I got to do that today, and it was good. Really good. And I'm glad.
Im not healed though. Because I don't know what will heal me.
Binge watching Doctor Foster helped a little bit.
On top of everything that is currently contributing to rot my mind, there's also that bit about losing a friend. Just like that. Sometimes I worry that I haven't processed it and that's probably not healthy. Sometimes I wonder if its permanent or just a phase. But then most days I don't wonder about it at all. I dream about it constantly, because my brain is really cute about subconsciously hanging on to things that I've brushed under the rug. But other than that. There's not much to it. Things just are. And I don't think about it.
Im not thriving.
A lot is great right now in my life, and always has been. Blessed and what not. But I can't say I'm thriving. Not really. And that makes me restless.
I randomly watched an interview of Irfan Khan who passed away yesterday and he said something about finding room to 'exercise your convictions'. And that has stayed with me for some reason.
Im hungry.
But oh God I'm loving this. Weird sense of freedom. Hmm.
So I decided to heal myself. Or at least try. I came home to meet the parents, and well my visit wasn't so much about the parents. But I spent time with s2 and we talked and talked. Validated each other's concerns and had a laughing fit while brushing our teeth. Snorted toothpaste up my nose and felt minty up there for a while. s2 left today. But I decided to stay another day. Things with parents are okay. However, things in my head aren't. I went for a walk. Talked to V. And to my relatively new friend Astha. It was fun. Comforting. To walk in a place so familiar. Actually, now that I think about it, more than this room, more than this house, or the other house I live in, what I would call Home the most is maybe the streets that I walk on, in this housing society I live in. The park, the lanes, surrounded by houses and their tiny lawns. That. My heart turns into butter pudding when I think of my walks. I love my walks, and its a shame, shame! that I don't get to do that anymore. I always need an escape. And journaling, and sleep just doesn't cut it. Treadmill doesn't even come close. I want the ground under my feet, and I want to breathe fresh (relatively) air, and smell this and that. Mostly flowers. Oh man. But well, I got to do that today, and it was good. Really good. And I'm glad.
Im not healed though. Because I don't know what will heal me.
Binge watching Doctor Foster helped a little bit.
On top of everything that is currently contributing to rot my mind, there's also that bit about losing a friend. Just like that. Sometimes I worry that I haven't processed it and that's probably not healthy. Sometimes I wonder if its permanent or just a phase. But then most days I don't wonder about it at all. I dream about it constantly, because my brain is really cute about subconsciously hanging on to things that I've brushed under the rug. But other than that. There's not much to it. Things just are. And I don't think about it.
Im not thriving.
A lot is great right now in my life, and always has been. Blessed and what not. But I can't say I'm thriving. Not really. And that makes me restless.
I randomly watched an interview of Irfan Khan who passed away yesterday and he said something about finding room to 'exercise your convictions'. And that has stayed with me for some reason.
Im hungry.
But oh God I'm loving this. Weird sense of freedom. Hmm.
1 comment:
I wish you healing 🌼
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