Little notes from Notes.

 Today is Friday. Feels like a Friday which is just the way I want it. I made biryani today. From the recipe on the box. It came out good enough. I also made sewiyan again. I want to make something sweet every Friday. Let's see if I can follow through. There's something about creating your own little traditions. 

It's almost golden hour. Me and A had a good meal and watched Ted lasso. Now he's on the phone and I've come to the room. I might nap. Afternoon naps can be so nostalgic. I'm conveniently ignoring the mountain of strange and frustrating work that's pending for me. I need to do more if we want to go for a hike tomorrow. Yikes. 

We did the hike and it was glorious. I feel like writing more now. That's good. I did a ton of laundry this morning and I'm happy with the results. Speaking of being happy with the results, I have been trying some more of mom's recipes lately. I made mutton last night. And the masala tasted just like my mom's. To make something that my mom makes and have it taste just like hers. It's like recreating Home.

It's Friday again. I have showered and used a new towel and wore a new shirt that says 'Less Monday, more summer'. Whatever that means. And I rubbed a little scent on my neck. I feel good. I'm going to have Chai and a vanilla biscuit. I've been avoiding work since I woke up. Maybe I should dive into it. Confront the anxiety monster. Maybe just a little hello. Let's see. 

I was going to wake up early today and be productive. Instead, I took the day off. Day off from everything. The laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, the working, the studying, the walking, the visiting. I lounged on the couch most of the day. Me and A went to the Desi restaurant to have my favourite daal which was disappointingly bland. But good day overall.

I find it insane, Beethoven's progressive deafness at the peak of his career. You couldn't write a better script. Speaking of scrips, Watched the Succession finale last night. What a show. A masterpiece. I love it when brilliant art leaves me in awe. Aren't we lucky? That creativity exists. Genius exists. And perfect execution exists. To even have the ability to appreciate such craftsmanship. *chef's kiss* These are the good things in life. 

I'm flying to see V in a few days. That's combined with a career related thing. Anxiety and excitement. I hope June is kind to me. I am afraid I wasted May a little. I have so many conflicting thoughts. Some thoughts I'm afraid to think. I don't know man.

Portion control.

 I haven't been writing. Not in my journal, not here, not in my notes. Maybe a line or two in the password protected app on my phone. A little bit on tissue papers. I haven't been writing because I have been afraid of feeling. Still am, but better. I'll give this a shot.

I'm typing, btw, on A's work laptop. It's a strange feeling. We went for a walk around the lake earlier today. Around 8ish. The sun was setting, a man was fishing, the ducks were being a*holes, and the birds chirping away. The walk turned into a nice steady jog, one that I badly needed. I was working on my research article most day today. Almost gave me a migraine it did. I needed the run and the ducks and the endorphins. 

I don't know what else to say. I don't know how to write without being consumed. My thoughts go back home every time I start to write, and that makes me teary eyed and I just don't want to go down that road. Still don't. It's not that I have not cried. I have. I do. Every now and then. But i know that if i let myself, I could - I would, go on for days. I don't want to do that. So bite sized palatable portions of homesickness for me for now. 

I have more work tomorrow. I really really hope I can get some shit done. 

Something that I enjoy doing here is going for grocery runs with A. We go to the mall every other day. I don't know why suddenly, it is so much fun to get grocery every day. I enjoy that. I enjoy going to the nearby drugstore as well. I enjoy wiping the kitchen counters clean and the stove top clean before I sleep. Its easy to do, and makes me feel productive. I've been cooking a lot. That's huge. I feel great when I make something good. I have made Chicken karahi three times now. It was good every time. Yay me. 

M says I need to validate myself for my achievements because at the end of the day, no one will know my battles, my mountains, my struggles the way I do. Maybe for someone, its just chicken karahi or sewiyan. For me, it's a triumph over the stickiest mental barrier.

I have one month before I go visit V. DAMN. The excitement. We will be meeting after maybe 6 years? I don't know. We talk every day. Every. Day. Now that we are in the same (well, almost) time zone, we talk on the phone more often. And we finally get to meet in June. I think it will be wholesome.

My hands are cold. But I have the window open, cuz I'm trying to air dry our laundry. The dryer apparently shrinks the clothes. What's the point then? And why has no one solved this problem in 2023?

A is home and brought back some cheesecake. I'm going to have it tomorrow morning after or in prep for my zoom class that will induce stress thankyou. 

I am going to start writing more in my notes app. And hopefully some of it will end up here. 

Let's see. 

Tiger in a tiger's mask.

 I've been trying to write a post for a month. I guess I'm not the only one. But the reason I haven't written is because I'm afraid of emotions to spill over. I'm barely keeping afloat. 

I have moved across the world. 

I will write more later. It's not that there isn't much to write. The opposite actually. But I can only do that when I have my wits. Currently, not sure If i do.

Tea tastes good today, finally.

Feb.

 February is right around the corner. My favourite month by FAR. Something magical about feb. AND I am hoping i will get my visa next month as well. Its a feeling. And its the last touch of winter. And I was borned in feb too.

I have developed a new obsession: Fragrances. 

Its an expensive obsession. I want a huge perfume closet. I want all of them. There a couple on my list that i will definitely get once I move. Last night I wore a very nice scent and enjoyed it through out the time I was out. However, no one complimented me. Wtf? That's alright..I guess.

Can you tell, I'm a tad bit over caffeinated right now. A little wonky tonky.

I've got to say. A bed side table is an amazing thing. Everything you need is there. Mine currently has my water bottle. A night cream. My watch, charger, lamp. Floss. A couple of hair pains. Melatonin. A hair tye. A gel pen. A mug of green tea. My earbuds. A box of tissues. And an eye mask that I don't use. WHAT ELSE can one need? I also think I need to declutter a bit lols. On the other side however I have my journal, another pen. A tasbeeh. Panadol. And a tweezer. I think I am equipped for life, just sayin.

When they say emotional regulation is the most important skill to have, perhaps they are right. At times I stick out like a sore thumb, more often than I'd like. And more often than not, I channel my inner snail. And retreat to my shell. And more often than not, it seems to be the only way to go. However, I'm glad that tomorrow is a new day. Its almost a miracle. How we get a new shot at life every 24 hours. We take it for granted, but it really is a blessing. To begin over and over. 

Well. Today is the 1st of Feb. And guess what. My visa arrived. Miracles do happen. I told A, we will be cuddling ten hours per day and I will glue myself to him and he said I can do whatever I want.  

But also guess what, I've been mush inside all day. I am feeling at least 73 emotions right now. And have cried about 15 times as well. I don't know if anyone can understand all that I am feeling and why. But I do feel it all, and intensely so. A mountain of uncertainty lies ahead. There's that saying that goes something like Tell your mountains about your God. So i guess I shall. 

Every thought in my mind is tagged with an emotion. Sometimes I wonder how life would be if I didn't  have to hold back my tears so much, so often. Hmmm. Easier, I think. Life would be easier. 

a ten second poem

 I go for a walk 

and the trees

the ones with no leaves

are so beautiful

 i could cry

i try 

not to stare

at the white house 

on the way

the house with

 the lights

so bright 

I walk by

I try

Not to pry

At orion and his friends

but I do take a peak

every now and then

while Mozart

moves my heart

then i fall

lol

why?

cuz my head is in the sky

again.

Attempts.

 So, the new year is here. Its the 3rd already. What? I did not make any resolutions. To be honest, all i want is to have some control over my day, or days.

I love scented tissues. Scented most things actually. I have this black-grey cape shawl that my mom got me. It's something I've used quite consistently every winter. I love the way it smells. Of a blend of perfumes I've been 

There is some kind of a romantic living in the house next door. Two of his/her favourite songs are 'Summer wine' and 'Hello' .And he (i think its a him) always plays them in the morning. Its 11 am. And it feels kind of nice to have coffee in bed right now, and listen to Lionel Richie say I love youuu.

Aren't I a little too old to be dreaming of riding a bicycle in my old housing colony where i grew up, where the pedals get harder and harder to move? Can you get more basic

A post has been stuck inside me, and I write a sentence or two every day, but nothing sticks. 

Right, long distance is hard. But me and A have had some wonderful conversations during this time. Its a comfort, being on the same wavelength about life. To laugh about the silliest things. To be best buds with your life partner is an exquisite kind of joy. 

Blah

My cat ate a hair tie today. 

I'm going to post this. 

Hello to everyone who commented recently. How refreshing to know there are eyes on the other side of the screen as well. :) 

Freestyle

Is winter even winter if you don't sit by the heater and eat peanuts? 

I feel lonely. Even though s2 was here the past 2.5 days. I'm back to feeling this way. I feel unmotivated. And anxious. I got my cat spayed a few days ago. And boy has it been tough. I think I am not the best candidate for being a cat parent. I worry way too much. People tell me not to obsess but. I obsess. I have tried not to, but I am baseline worried all the time. I don't think I should be a cat parent. Even though I love my cat. There I said it.

Two other things about me, are that I require a certain amount of control over my routine and my time. And when it is involuntarily taken from me, my battery drops so fast - before you know it I'll either explode or implode. Another thing about me is. I don't like to multitask in life. Bas.

I'm weirdly nostalgic about my hostel life right now. I don't recall the last time I felt this way. Somehow  lately, in spite of living alone more or less, having a lot of free time and not many obligations, I continue to feel out of control. As if, I'm trying to keep up and do what needs to be done but constantly falling short. I'm half tempted to start one of those 'living alone diaries' or 'study with me' vlogs. But I hate putting myself out there. Publicly. Inviting people in. I just can't. That's maybe the main reason i haven't switched to insta-blogging. I just like this better. M said some things that resonated with me today. She said I have been so used to having my routine be controlled by external factors that now when most of them have been removed, I don't know what to do with myself. She said I will have to cultivate motivation myself. 

I cooked Achari aloo today. I wanted more praise than got.

Last night I baked some sweet potatoes for the first time. I overcooked them, but they still tasted beautiful. I have realized that i love sweet potatoes. Yum!

These days I'm exploring the pleasures of sitting in the steam room after a swim. The first day, I could barely sit for 5 minutes. Now I think I can sit for 15 mins easy. Its somewhat cathartic. Just passively exfoliating my emotions. 

WHY. WHY is is that just because I have a phone. Anyone can reach me, and then I am obligated to reach back? And give some shit ass excuse to why I didn't answer earlier? Why why why why why. I don't like being so accessible. :(

My cat's had her 10 day follow up at the vet today. To get her stitches removed. And unfortunately, and because the world hates me, the incision has not fully healed. And now I need to apply an ointment to her wound twice a day for 5 more days and continue to limit and monitor her. Kill me. 

I have missed out on all FIFA matches. Will I watch the semi final tonight? Its the semi final is it not? Not sure. 

Watching The White Lotus lately. The soundtrack is the main character of the show. 

I think Im going to change up my blog's look. Its too dark and what not. We'll see.

Bye I'm angry.