Attempts.

 So, the new year is here. Its the 3rd already. What? I did not make any resolutions. To be honest, all i want is to have some control over my day, or days.

I love scented tissues. Scented most things actually. I have this black-grey cape shawl that my mom got me. It's something I've used quite consistently every winter. I love the way it smells. Of a blend of perfumes I've been 

There is some kind of a romantic living in the house next door. Two of his/her favourite songs are 'Summer wine' and 'Hello' .And he (i think its a him) always plays them in the morning. Its 11 am. And it feels kind of nice to have coffee in bed right now, and listen to Lionel Richie say I love youuu.

Aren't I a little too old to be dreaming of riding a bicycle in my old housing colony where i grew up, where the pedals get harder and harder to move? Can you get more basic

A post has been stuck inside me, and I write a sentence or two every day, but nothing sticks. 

Right, long distance is hard. But me and A have had some wonderful conversations during this time. Its a comfort, being on the same wavelength about life. To laugh about the silliest things. To be best buds with your life partner is an exquisite kind of joy. 

Blah

My cat ate a hair tie today. 

I'm going to post this. 

Hello to everyone who commented recently. How refreshing to know there are eyes on the other side of the screen as well. :) 

Freestyle

Is winter even winter if you don't sit by the heater and eat peanuts? 

I feel lonely. Even though s2 was here the past 2.5 days. I'm back to feeling this way. I feel unmotivated. And anxious. I got my cat spayed a few days ago. And boy has it been tough. I think I am not the best candidate for being a cat parent. I worry way too much. People tell me not to obsess but. I obsess. I have tried not to, but I am baseline worried all the time. I don't think I should be a cat parent. Even though I love my cat. There I said it.

Two other things about me, are that I require a certain amount of control over my routine and my time. And when it is involuntarily taken from me, my battery drops so fast - before you know it I'll either explode or implode. Another thing about me is. I don't like to multitask in life. Bas.

I'm weirdly nostalgic about my hostel life right now. I don't recall the last time I felt this way. Somehow  lately, in spite of living alone more or less, having a lot of free time and not many obligations, I continue to feel out of control. As if, I'm trying to keep up and do what needs to be done but constantly falling short. I'm half tempted to start one of those 'living alone diaries' or 'study with me' vlogs. But I hate putting myself out there. Publicly. Inviting people in. I just can't. That's maybe the main reason i haven't switched to insta-blogging. I just like this better. M said some things that resonated with me today. She said I have been so used to having my routine be controlled by external factors that now when most of them have been removed, I don't know what to do with myself. She said I will have to cultivate motivation myself. 

I cooked Achari aloo today. I wanted more praise than got.

Last night I baked some sweet potatoes for the first time. I overcooked them, but they still tasted beautiful. I have realized that i love sweet potatoes. Yum!

These days I'm exploring the pleasures of sitting in the steam room after a swim. The first day, I could barely sit for 5 minutes. Now I think I can sit for 15 mins easy. Its somewhat cathartic. Just passively exfoliating my emotions. 

WHY. WHY is is that just because I have a phone. Anyone can reach me, and then I am obligated to reach back? And give some shit ass excuse to why I didn't answer earlier? Why why why why why. I don't like being so accessible. :(

My cat's had her 10 day follow up at the vet today. To get her stitches removed. And unfortunately, and because the world hates me, the incision has not fully healed. And now I need to apply an ointment to her wound twice a day for 5 more days and continue to limit and monitor her. Kill me. 

I have missed out on all FIFA matches. Will I watch the semi final tonight? Its the semi final is it not? Not sure. 

Watching The White Lotus lately. The soundtrack is the main character of the show. 

I think Im going to change up my blog's look. Its too dark and what not. We'll see.

Bye I'm angry. 

Intermittent.

 You know what I am really craving right now? Going to someone's house for tea. Or dinner. Or lunch. Not a family gathering, no. Those are tedious and have too many aunties. I want to go to a friend's house. A couple of friends just hangin' out. There was a time when this was possible. Not anymore though. Everyone lives here and there. Somewhat like British Asian actor Ahsan Khan. Iykyk.

On the other hand, swimming has been going super. I've had some hiccups. But my freestyle has improved a great deal and I am so proud of myself. No one is interested in my enthusiasm regarding this but i tell everyone nonetheless. A shows interest. I report to him my swimming updates everyday. About how my goggles were bothering me and how I fixed them, and he suggested what I could do to get a better fit. I tell him about the women who come to swim at the same time I do. The old aunty who can't really walk but swims. Their conversations. I tell him how clean the water was on a certain day. How I like it when I can see sunshine in the water halfway through the length, a patch where the sun leaks through the roof. How, when I get the pool all to myself, I break all rules and swim diagonally across it. Sometimes in circles. Sometimes I imagine I'm training for something. For a day when I'll have to swim in the sea. Other times, I'm happy to just build on my relationship with the water. At times I glide so effortlessly through the water, i wonder if it looks as beautiful as it feels. Who knows. At least in my mind it does.

Just finished watching Emily. It's based on Emily Bronte. Now I must begin the process of separating fact from fiction, and google will help. In any case, at times movies that make me feel things. it can be a double edged sword. Because then I too want more adventure. Connection. More connection. More experiences. And more..just. My kind of more. 

V said I don't mention her in my blog. It's weird that I haven't. I guess I used to when we lived together but not anymore. Which is also weird because we do talk every day. Great thing about V is. She asks many questions. She's curious about the weirdest things and it gives one something to talk about. Not that we have ever had an issue finding something to talk about. I hope I can visit soon. Sooner rather than later. Fingers crossed. 

I do also want to mention cricket. I wish i could be poetic af about it. But its too late at night and my head hurts. But. The amount of joy and exhilaration Pakistan cricket has given me and my friends s2 and mr.s2, it was something special. Definitely outstanding. I think I am officially a cricket fan. Now there's Fifa and I'm a little slow to get on the bandwagon. But I'll get there.

I don't know how much more of this limbo I can take. I am also tired of silently dealing with the toll it takes. Some days are hard. And some nights are really hard. But then there are days when I am okay. I hope the ratio shifts to the latter. 

 The melatonin's kicking in. 

Maybe you should talk to someone.

 I just finished reading 'People we meet on vacation'. Light hearted, yet tender with a dash of idealism and cheese. Finished it in 3 days. Exactly what I needed. But now I miss A more and want to travel the world together. We won't be delirious with untapped chemistry and volcanic sparks like the lead characters in the book are. I'd take marriage over that any day. But I also think OD-ing on contemporary romantic fiction is not a very good idea when you're stuck in a long distance relationship. Hmmm.

The past week has been good. s2 and Mr.s2 came over and stayed for three days. It was more fun than I expected it to be. The days flew by. They left today, and the house is silent. I had the laziest day. I ate and I slept and I read on repeat. And its already 10 pm. Feels like 6. 

A maid that we had living with us for the past few years, left today. I cried as she packed up her life from the room next to mine and left. I hid in the washroom so I won't have to say goodbye. I hate goodbyes. I don't know why I had to hide though. Isn't this a normal reaction to someone leaving? To be sad and cry and mourn their absence no matter who they are?

 

So in other news. I got covid. What a weird time to get it. Out of the blue. I'm drinking a disgusting ginger tea to soothe my thorny throat. Binging on Greys' anatomy. Yes I still watch it and I love Meredith Grey, sue me. My new swimsuit is here, I'm so excited. It's so skimpy. Last night I was on video call with A and he was sticking our polaroid photos on his fridge. And I started to cry. Long distance is a bitch. Ouch my stomach hurts.

At night, I am inundated with feelings. The ones that threaten to drown me. Consume me. When the time comes, I fear it will feel like I'm getting married all over again. Leaving my family to go live somewhere else, with another family. Only this time, I can't come back on weekends. I tell myself this will only be for a few years, but for someone who is as bad at goodbyes as I am. That's no consolation. I know we will find a new normal. I know I will visit. And I know life doesn't stay the same and at some point we have to venture out and experience it separately from our families. But it doesn't stop me from feeling these heavy feelings that drown my heart. When it feels like I can't bear it. Daylight, of course makes everything better. Tolerable. But at night, I resent my soft heart. It is not easy to feel so much all the time. So much that you are googling  'How to care less about your cat's feelings' at 6 am in the morning. It's tough, being soft. 

I am so bored. And it has only been two days of me being in my room. I am SO bored. How much tv can a girl watch? I don't have energy to do much else. Showering and eating are pleasurable, yes. But what do i do the rest of the time? Maybe. Maybe I should write write and write some more. Maybe I will do that. Ugh. 

BYE.

Versus.

I'm here in the other city. I'm up on the terrace. Dragged an office chair out and here I am. Sitting in silence. I can smell tea being made somewhere nearby. I can hear women conversing in a language - fuck. A mosquito just bit me. This isn't worth it. I'm going inside. 

 This has been a month of catching up with old friends. Its a joy to know that we are able to talk for hours after not talking for years. After quietly existing in each other's lives with barely a text or two, it is great that our hearts are still warm and toasty and there's no ice to break.

 Can I say that this might be my favourite time of the year? The rolling in of winter. The wrapping up, and drying up and packing away of summer with it's heat and its noise. A stillness slowly settling in. The silence of no fans and no A.Cs. The faint smell of ilaichi on my evening walks. Oh how nostalgic and how wonderful. It's funny that A was born at the start of winter and I was born at the end. Just an observation.

 The other day I listened to a podcast about loneliness and connection. They said loneliness is the disparity between the connections you have and the connections you need. Accurate isn't it? I liked that. 

 Swimming is going better. I'm not in the city these days and I already miss it. At times I start to get frantic with my face in the water, trying to get enough breath in, and to move my legs right and my arms right and my head right. But then I remind myself to let go. To be in the water. Actually BE in the water and not fight it. And before I know it, my body unclenches and relaxes and suddenly I breathe better and then I swim better. Isn't it fascinating how there are lessons in literally everything?

 I have to say. I have said it before but I'll say it again. Making my parents laugh is one of my biggest joys in life. And watching them bicker with each other. What a treat. What a privilege to have grown up around a love like that. A love with laughter and madness. A love that stays.

 One way to describe my relation with A would be that he is the wind beneath my wings. I'm thinking I'll write that on his birthday card next month. So that he knows.

Of no help.

 Something that I really appreciate about my parents is how they let me be in my room. I mean, yes I am an adult and staying here indefinitely, not for too long hopefully. But I'm still their kid. And it's refreshing to be left by myself. It's 2 pm. And i can hear them watch TV downstairs, but they don't care. They don't give a shit about what im up to. How refreshing. It makes me want to spend more time with them. Because I get to choose. Little freedoms can mean a great deal at times.

*

The other day i tripped and fell, while walking. I haven't fallen down in a while. Or had my palm scratched on gravel. It was so nostalgic. Funny isn't it. Anyhow turns out that my feet have betrayed me. I can't seem to continue walking for long hours anymore without it feeling like i have somehow offended the earth itself causing it to attack my toes every step i take. Bummer. BUT. I had my first swim today. After maybe a decade? Or more. Loved feeling the water around my skin. Not on my skin, just around it. What a feeling. 

*

The other night i wrote an entire blog post in my head about all the ways therapy has helped me. Maybe I will write one eventually. Maybe i won't. But the awareness of how far I've come, the work I've done, the persistence with which I have fought for myself, to be myself, is something I am so proud of. Maybe proud is not the right word. Its more like comfort. An assurance. A warm blanket. It is me being on my team. Me coaching me and me cheering for the me who is on the field. That on its own, has been quite the experience and I'm glad for it.

*

Today has been odd. In due consideration of my hormones and shit as fuck mood, the entire day was spent on the bed. Binging on Ted Lasso. A show after my own heart. Eating chocolate and banana bread. Journaling. Napping. Sulking. Frowning constantly. Listening to Brene Brown try to explain emotions. Hiding from guests for 4 hours. And crying a little bit. Its almost midnight and it feels like .. I don't know. 4 pm? or 10 pm? I don't know. I am down in the dumps and i don't even feel like picking myself up. I just don't have the energy. 

*

Things were better today, even though it seemed impossible. Did a lot of sorting and getting things ready for Monday which is an important day for me. I hope all goes well. I went swimming again today. There was a cockroach in my slipper. I felt it on my foot. Prickly. I told A this happened and he said You must've died right there, and i said yeah. I was pretty stunned for a bit. And then I tried to be brave about it. But I am still curling my toes right now, thinking about it. ICK! 

I got to talk to A for longer today. 

*

The funk continues. Despite a great weekend with a quick solo trip outside the city, wholesome reunion with two friends, and a very, very good news. I still feel low. And did not go swimming today either. Watched a hundred videos about proper breathing techniques under water, but did not end up going in said water. Great. I think it's time that i force myself to make some changes. To push myself out of the funk. No one else can or will do it. So. Tomorrow, hopefully. 

Enough paragraphs. Time to hit publish.

Baby, you have no idea.

 At times I wonder.

What did I do? What have I really done, to be loved this way. 

Last night I was re-watching La La land, and there's a line in there that says 'Why do you say 'Romantic' as if it's a bad word?'. And then I found my heart breaking over the beauty of some of the scenes. And i thought to myself. Love, is really all that matters. Or at least, it's one of the big ones isn't it. Or maybe the biggest? I'm also reading a book called All about love. And she too talks about how we just don't talk about Love that often. Maybe we don't know how to. We do make attempts. With our movies and poems and art and books. But have we really figured it out? No, i don't think so. It's ever elusive. It escapes us. Its bigger than us. Describing it, defining it, is containing it and reducing it. It has to be Felt. Lived. Shared. Screamed. Breathed. 

Coming back to me feeling loved. Wanted. Appreciated. It is the greatest privilege of all. When old friends tell you they've always missed you and you're still their go-to person. When a stranger waves at you excitedly every time you run into them. When your cat recognizes your scent even though you don't live with her anymore. When she lets your pet her. When you allow yourself to disintegrate from stress, someone picks you up and brings you ice cream. When you celebrate in the middle of the road. Not alone. Knowing someone. To have been seen. Even missing someone, mourning someone. That's love. The absence of someone is love as well. Wanting to be loved is love as well. It exists even in non existence. Like God. Well. Let's dial back a bit. 

What I mean is. What did I do? To have love surround me this way? Why is it that when I go for a walk, I feel the sky loves me too. The wind, the trees. Why does it feel that it's all for me? Why do I get to bathe in beauty this way? Woe to anything that makes love take a backseat. 

A rush. A glance. A touch. A dance. 

A look in somebody's eyes, to light up the skies

To open the world and send it reeling

A voice that says, I'll be here

And you'll be alright.