Maybe you should talk to someone.

 I just finished reading 'People we meet on vacation'. Light hearted, yet tender with a dash of idealism and cheese. Finished it in 3 days. Exactly what I needed. But now I miss A more and want to travel the world together. We won't be delirious with untapped chemistry and volcanic sparks like the lead characters in the book are. I'd take marriage over that any day. But I also think OD-ing on contemporary romantic fiction is not a very good idea when you're stuck in a long distance relationship. Hmmm.

The past week has been good. s2 and Mr.s2 came over and stayed for three days. It was more fun than I expected it to be. The days flew by. They left today, and the house is silent. I had the laziest day. I ate and I slept and I read on repeat. And its already 10 pm. Feels like 6. 

A maid that we had living with us for the past few years, left today. I cried as she packed up her life from the room next to mine and left. I hid in the washroom so I won't have to say goodbye. I hate goodbyes. I don't know why I had to hide though. Isn't this a normal reaction to someone leaving? To be sad and cry and mourn their absence no matter who they are?

 

So in other news. I got covid. What a weird time to get it. Out of the blue. I'm drinking a disgusting ginger tea to soothe my thorny throat. Binging on Greys' anatomy. Yes I still watch it and I love Meredith Grey, sue me. My new swimsuit is here, I'm so excited. It's so skimpy. Last night I was on video call with A and he was sticking our polaroid photos on his fridge. And I started to cry. Long distance is a bitch. Ouch my stomach hurts.

At night, I am inundated with feelings. The ones that threaten to drown me. Consume me. When the time comes, I fear it will feel like I'm getting married all over again. Leaving my family to go live somewhere else, with another family. Only this time, I can't come back on weekends. I tell myself this will only be for a few years, but for someone who is as bad at goodbyes as I am. That's no consolation. I know we will find a new normal. I know I will visit. And I know life doesn't stay the same and at some point we have to venture out and experience it separately from our families. But it doesn't stop me from feeling these heavy feelings that drown my heart. When it feels like I can't bear it. Daylight, of course makes everything better. Tolerable. But at night, I resent my soft heart. It is not easy to feel so much all the time. So much that you are googling  'How to care less about your cat's feelings' at 6 am in the morning. It's tough, being soft. 

I am so bored. And it has only been two days of me being in my room. I am SO bored. How much tv can a girl watch? I don't have energy to do much else. Showering and eating are pleasurable, yes. But what do i do the rest of the time? Maybe. Maybe I should write write and write some more. Maybe I will do that. Ugh. 

BYE.