Clock in, clock out.

Life is like a magic ball these days. Remember magic balls? The crazy little shits that are super bouncy and once you let them go they bounce off every single surface around you with the speed of light making it impossible to catch them at all? Life is like that these days. All I got are these little snatches of time, me time, that I try to stretch out and live in as long as I possibly can. Time is relative. So I mentally stretch these pockets of time and make them my own. Right now, I'm on my way to work. My stomach is a complete mess and so are my sinuses. For breakfast I had two Panadol Extras and one brave bite of leftover pizza.  What I like about work is how every day is a new chance to be good to people, to make their life a tad bit easier, better. A pleasant interaction can make your day. And it can be with anyone. Smile when you talk. Joke around a bit. Listen. Be kind. Not very hard. I try to do all of these. I like it when I've had a long long day but it has been a productive one. Anyway.

I think that nothing in life is harder than having to watch your loved ones be in pain. I can handle my own pain. My problems will never bug me as much as another person's will. Because I can control myself and I can fix myself, because I know how to. But you cant always fix other people's painful hearts and greyed souls. You can't change who they are or who they've become at this point in their life. You cannot make them behave a certain way even if you believe it might help them. It is a bit agonizing but even more so because you know that if youre feeling bad, they're probably feeling worse.

One of the highlights from this week for me was my early morning breakfast with N the other day. We sat on a rooftop and it was sunny but cold and I had a hearty omelette and she had yogurt with fruit and granola and that was three days ago and I knew I was going to make myself the same thing at home so I did. I put yogurt and granola and pomegranate and banana in a bowl and gobbled it up. It makes for a great breakfast. I was humming the Lion king's Sega, level one soundtrack all day today. Still am.

I am perpetually tired and my body is warm and achy in different places everyday. N says that I get this vibe about me when I am working. A dull/dead vibe. She doesn't like it. I don't feel it though. *Shrugs*

The other day a friend asked me what I was thankful for. That made me think of things and I didnt really have to think hard because I am actively consciously thankful for many small things every day. So I think maybe I will write about the small things that I am grateful for, in the next post. My posts are never planned, which is so obvious but I think I will be writing about this. Hmm.

Okay, till then.

Rage against the dying of the light.

I am groggy this morning because I did not get enough sleep last night because me and V accidentally talked for 6.5 hours over the phone. Yes. We talked about career plans and clothes and movie ideas and how the world turns and life decisions and my emotional constipation. Mom woke me up earlier than I wanted to and kept me up till the urgency to sleep left me and now I'm in that uncomfortable foggy state of mind where you have nausea with eyes full of headache yet you can't fall back asleep. But isn't it the best feeling to lie in bed in the morning and stretch like a cat cat cat? It is, i know.

I stayed over at N's place the other night. I cannot emphasize enough on how important it is to have a place other than your home to crash at. I have always had a Place. I helped her bake a cake with three colours, and we had tea and i had dinner with her family and her mom kept asking me to eat more chicken. I also had conversations with her sisters, which is always interesting. Because I don't know how to interact with kids really, and the youngest is 11 i think. She asked me questions that she thought were General knowledge questions like, 'What river flows under the London Bridge?' and 'If you mix salt and water, is it a mixture or a solution?' and 'What four cells is a connective tissue made of?'. I got them right btw because i am amazing like that except for the last one which i forgot about heh. I enjoy being in a house with school-going kids, because it reminds me of when i was little, things like a geometry box, homework diary, clay for making pots. Have i ever mentioned that i am interested in pottery? I would like to try that one day.

I love to nap after a good breakfast. More like, dozing off. I love breakfast. I love mornings that are chilly and quiet. I love cold sunny mornings. I love coffee with peanut butter sandwich; warm crispy toast and soft sticky peanut butter with a swig of bitter coffee. Mmmm. I love that time around dawn when the room temperature is perfect. Not too cold, not too warm.

Work has begun. Deadly routine starts tomorrow. I badly want a LOTR marathon with N. I think it's going to bring me much joy. Yesterday i texted her 'Magnum' and after a while she said open the gate. And there she was with two magnums. Isn't that just.. everything? I was thinking about how some times you think that you can have everything at the same time, and you realise somewhere along the way that no, you have to choose between one of the two. You have to commit somewhere. Prioritize. Sometimes you don't have all the raw material to make an informed decision, but you don't have time and you wing it, and learn to deal with whatever comes. Hahah i am so vague, forgive me.

Work has begun again and tis gruelling as always. No problem, I am managing to stay on top of things. So far. I am wearing socks with bunnies on it, (not very professional, just like Robert Langdon's Mickey mouse watch) but hey, they keep me happy and that's all that matters. It's 11 pm right now and I am dozing off.

This afternoon I was half asleep and I asked some friends what superpower they would want if they could have one. And one of them said she would like to 'have everything'. I said well that's pretty boring. Another friend couldn't think of one, she said she had never really thought about it and I said that's weird because everyone has thought about this, no? Another friend said he would like to 'know everything'. We also talked about how a lot of people say that they would like to read people's minds. I can hardly handle the noise in my own head, I give zero shits about the junk in everyone else's. Then I told them what I want and they were convinced about how amazing my superpower is. Hmm I suddenly thought of another one. That's pretty great too. Anyway. As I mentioned earlier; I'm quite sleepy so this will have to do for now.

Later. 

The space behind a waterfall.

I agreed to go out with s1 and help her do wedding shopping the other day. I'm a silent partner, who occasionally stops her from doing and thinking stupid things. So we did some shopping but also ended up buying non shaadi things with money we couldn't afford to spend. I got some fried donuts on the way back and got dropped to Ns place where she made tea for us both and we hung out in her room till my mom called asking about my whereabouts after which I went home. At home s1 wanted to watch a movie and I suggested we watch It's a Wonderful life. And so we did and I really really enjoyed it. I'm watching Spellbound right now and I have realised that I like Ingrid Bergman. She looks classy. I woke up in a pleasant state of mind this morning but then things took a bad spin and I was in a foul mood for the rest of the afternoon. So I showered and ate chai with rusk after a long time and then no one was home except s1 who was in her room so I went and sat on the steps in our porch and just sat there thinking and gazing into the void in my mind. This was interrupted by a phonecall, it was dad and he sounded so heavy and stressed out that I ended up counselling him about it for half an hour. This put me in a cleaning mood so i spent the next hour clearing out the junk in my tiny room. This made me hungry. So I had some chicken with nandos sauce and boiled channay. And a million little marshmallows. Now my stomach is full of pink sponge. V said today that we should talk and I was in the mood to walk because winter intoxicates me and I need a fix everyday by which i mean that I must do something to respect the season daily. Walking in the littlebitcold breeze does the job. So does gazing at the moon btw. So yeah, I was in a walking mood therefore I went to walk and we talked and we also talked about this guy I know of who hung himself and I can't stop thinking about every thought he must have had and V said you're going to make me cry stop it. So I did and we talked about less morbid things. I am finally done with my book about meditation and the bit I really liked was about how being compassionate is actually good for you. Over the time I have grown quite weary of people telling me to be more selfish and always keeping your guard up and not letting people take you for granted etcetera. I mean yes okay, all good points and useful advice I'm sure. But. Where are all the people who will tell me to be kinder, to be more generous and humble, to point out the good things in a person before the not-so-good ones? I wish I was kinder. And braver. Enough to go beyond the petty bs that we indulge in every day. I try. 'Try harder' a voice in my head tells me. Yeah okay. I've been thinking about the hostel a lot lately. I miss it terribly. I could talk about this for a long time. Recounting every small insignificant thing that I love and miss about that place. That place and the person i was when I was there. I remember missing it even before I had moved out. I often end up missing people and places in their presence. I don't live in the present. At times I wonder if I live anywhere but the present. I have realised this recently, well no. Ive always been aware of my habit of zoning out, staying lost in thoughts for hours on end but what I've realised just recently is that this needs to change. I need to learn to be mindful of the present. The now. The Abhi. Ye. This. It's going to take a lot of effort but what is it that they say, knowing the problem is half the solution, right? So I guess I'm in a good place Np. Smiling at people is charity. Isn't that a wonderful thing? I must sleep now. Before that I will read some more. A filler book before I start a better one. Then I will think and contemplate over life and start dreaming in fragments which is the trend in my world these days. Boxes need to be closed and stacked way back in my head. Exhausting. Anyway.
That's all for now.

An existential itch.

I read an article the other day that said that writing for 20 minutes every day for good for a person. You can write about anything and it's not important to save it. What's important is that you put something out there and do it for twenty minutes. I think a lot of people, myself included, struggle with consistency. Forming habits is hard. Keeping at it. Requires self discipline. I love self discipline. I am a wild goat. But I would like to be better.

My dad and I ate our breakfast in silence. There was no Tv, and I didn't have my phone. He didn't have his newspaper. We just sat and he munched on his paratha+Egg roll and me on my sandwich. I interrupted the silence occasionally with stories about the dreams I had, and he showed interest. He asked me when my break was ending, and i told him. I reminded him that we are out of coffee, and that I need a paintbrush for my new hobby. When i was done with breakfast, I lingered for a while and then came back to my own room. A while ago, he knocked and entered and asked me what i was doing and I pointed to the paperwork around me. Then he left. I went to his room just now and told him what the maid had decided to cook and he seemed okay with it. I asked him if there was any way we could get coffee now but he said he'd bring it on his way back in the evening so i said alright.

I went to my friend's place today. Another friend joined us there. Her mom served us cold coffee which chocolate ice cream and that made me so happy because just this morning i was thinking about how when we were kids her mom had made us cold coffee and i had loved it. And today after all those years, i had that again. We talked and ate and played table tennis in her basement. I really enjoyed myself and I wish i could've stayed the night but dad said not today, so i said okay. My friend also told me about a really good thing she did today. Went out of her way to help a stranger. I was really impressed that she did that. Made me feel happy about the world.

The weather is finally changing. And like every year, it comes loaded with nostalgia. I love to wake up in the morning and scrunch up the blinds to let the sun in. I wish i did this at 8 am everyday, instead of noon. Dad reached here late last night and mom made some really yummy mutton chops. We devoured them. Me and s2 watched Deep Water Horizon yesterday and I loved how the movie theatre was almost empty. It was just us and two other people. The ticket guy said, go sit wherever you want. That was nice. s2 ran and sat on the recliners and I made her get up because we hadn't paid for those and i didn't want any trouble. I am a scaredy cat like that. I have started walking again. I enjoy it immensely. I like to see old people walk, people walking their dogs, guys playing basketball and such.

I am very much affected by the weather. The wind enters me and physically lifts up my spirit. Whoosh. And the rain settles the sandstorm in my heart. And washes my heart clean. Splat splat. The cold calms me down and turns blood red diamonds to grass green ones. This almost-winter air smells of healing. Every morning I breathe it in, it tells me that every thing will be okay. And I find myself whispering it back.

N's little sister tagged along to drop me back home today and out of nowhere she said
'Hey did you get a cat?'
Me: ...yes I did. (Lie. I dont know why she even asked that)
Her: really? Where is it?
Me: It's at home ofc.
Her: okay what breed is it?
Me: ... Siamese. (N laughed and said 'I'm sure that's the only breed you know of')
Her: okay what's her name?
Me: cabbage.
Her: what? Why would you name a Siamese cabbage?
Me: well because she looks like one.
Then she laughed and said that she missed me.
We reached home and I was waiting for someone to open the gate and i stood there for five minutes and she yelled from the car 'Are you sure you want to go home?' haha. I said yes.

That's all for now.

Retrospect.

Most things, to me, seem better in retrospect. Barring very few things, I almost always look back at life and think 'Ah i miss those days'. 70% of what me and V talk about is all the things we did and all the places we went to when she was here. And now we need new memories. Every thing has to wait though. We're both stuck in situations where all we can do is plough on and bide our time till we eventually get to a place in life where we can do the things we want. We have a rough list of things we want to do. And no, it does not include cliches like skydiving and Eiffel tower selfies.
I was supposed to go to a place this morning to see about a work situation. The person I was interested in talking to wasn't available, and I had to come back. I left my name with them and told them I'd be visiting them again tomorrow. But something about today has confused me. I am not entirely sure if i want to go back tomorrow and join. I don't know what it's going to be like. What if i'm miserable there? What if the people are mean and I don't have work to do? Well, that's the thing. I need to have work to do. Staying at home, and doing nothing will drive me crazy. Has it already?
There's a cafe nearby. It used to be five minutes from my place, but now its right outside where i live, and I am delighted. Me and N went there the other day and I felt at ease. We went there again yesterday and then again today.
I finished my DMT book the other night. I'm glad to be done with it, because that and my increased caffeine intake were giving me some really bizarre dreams.
I am a very optimistic person. Some would say naive or delusional. But i say optimistic. I put abundant amounts of faith in things and people, and life in general. That doesn't mean that I;m unaware of the possibility of everything turning to shit. Because i am..aware. In fact I have a terrible habit of imagining the worst case scenario in every possible situation. I simply like to keep those thoughts at bay. What i mean is that something inside me keeps glowing even when i know everything will turn to shit. Even at my lowest, my very lowest, if you crack my skull open, you'd see black fog yes, but you would also see silver rainbows. Haha, if rainbows were silver they wouldn't be rainbows yes, but. Shiny rainbows, okay. Sparkly ones. Emitting light and radiation and beams of lasers and all bright things. That's what you would see. I don't look or sound like the most optimistic person, but inside, deep inside, that is how i feel. I have immense faith in myself, and in the concept of  'things working out' in general. I don't do a very good job at implementing this thought process in every day situations which i think is the problem. It is the root of all anxiety stress and panic. I'm working on it. I like encouraging people and pushing them and telling them that YES it is possible and NO it is not too late. It is so limiting, to think otherwise. Well some times yes, it is too late, but ok well let's not get in to details. I am also highly cynical and the queen of skepticism. Moving on.
I've finally begun working on the boring robot work Nd has assigned to me and i intend to be done with it in a few days.
I love being in a car and looking out the window. I like to look at boxy little shops that no one else notices. I like to look at people and imagine their stories. At times I try to imagine what their next 20 minutes will look like. I try to imagine what someone was thinking while they were leaving their house. What made them wear what they chose to wear that day. Last night me, s1 and AB (new addition in family, its my sister's finance, say hello everyone) went out for a snack late at night and we decided that we wouldn't talk about work. But we ended up talking about work 90% of the entire time we were out. Towards the end, conversation got more interesting and we talked survival skills that everyone should master which led to a discussion about zombie apocalypse and who would die first. Then i got over excited while discussing the book i just finished reading and does anyone else start to shiver when they talk about something they care about? Well, I do. And then we came back home and that was all.
I do not want to be one of those people who turn 30 or 40 and turn into a goat and look back and say, oh how naive and idealistic i was. I want to stay idealistic.
Cake is the best dessert.

You may know this much.

I woke up late today. I slept well last night. Woke up a number of times to ask s2 to turn the a.c off. Dreamed about moving to another city. Went downstairs. Mom asked me to sit with her and told me about thoughts that didn't let her sleep last night. Had an unhealthy breakfast. Some chicken bakery stuff and a big chunk of cake. With four sips of tea.

It's 2 pm now and mom was supposed to take me with her for some chores but the car is busy elsewhere so I guess we won't be doing that now. I wish I had a personal yoga instructor who would wake me up at 6 am every morning and force me to do yoga.

I'm supposed to take N out for her birthday today. We are going to try sushi. Her friends will surprise her there. I hope everything goes well.

S1just got home from work and she took me by the hand and said she needs to have a discussion with me. Work stuff. Me and my sisters are funny. Our spirits are too wild. Too restless. Me and mom were talking the other day and she let out a deep sigh and said 'ive realised that meri teeno betiyan baaghi hain.' That made me laugh and I said well, isn't that a good thing?

So the surprise went well. We all went to this sushi place and none of us had tried it before and I went with good hopes but ...Ekh. They say it's an acquired taste but I do not want to acquire this taste thankyouverymuch. I am not very social around some people and I always get the feeling that Ns friends don't like me much because I'm quiet and boring but today wasn't that bad. Actually I had a good time. I came home a little late and mom didn't mind and we sat and talked for a bit. Then V asked me if we could talk so she called me up and we talked for over an hour on the phone talking about the time we lived in the New city and how we want to one day work and live in THE city and travel the whole world. Ah. Dreams.

 It is now 3 a.m and I am not sleepy. S2 said lets wake up at 6 am and go for a jog but I don't think we will be doing that. Everyone Is asleep. Its just me now.

It is now 4 a.m.

The kettle is silent.

It's 3:17 am and I can't fall asleep. I'm thinking back to a night exactly two years ago. I remember because it was a significant one. I couldn't fall asleep then either. Amazing how things can be so different and yet exactly the same. I realised something about myself the other day. I don't get used to beautiful things. You know how there is so much misery in the world that when something terrible happens it doesn't affect you as deeply as is did before? Well where beauty is concerned I develop no tolerance. I don't take it for granted. I am as overwhelmed by it as I was the first time. Every time it rains, my heart swells the same amount. Every time my parents make me laugh with their banter I feel immensely grateful and at peace. Every time I look at the sky at night, Im full of awe. Every time I lie down in my bed after a good shower and a good meal I feel like royalty. When people are nice my heart reaches out and hugs them secretly. All the time. And I'm glad for this. I never want to take the good things for granted. This is all we've got. The little things. I am a fan of the little things.

I finally finished a book today that I should've been done with ages ago. It was raining when I woke up so I went downstairs and had a pear and sat in the porch. My maid asked me if I wanted tea and I said yes I do but I need a lot of it. She said what do you mean? I said well, I need it in a mug, and not a tea cup. So she found the biggest mug we have and asked me if that was enough and I said yes and she looked very pleased with herself. So I sat there and finished my book. While it rained. Me and s2 have been going out for walks every night and I enjoy those even though all we do is talk and whine about our careers. We are going for a walk again right now ans I'm going to wear my neon pink boots. Ha.

I have always been skeptical about people who talk about how a certain book made them cry. Everytime some one says 'oh that book made me bawl like a baby' I mentally roll my eyes like ok stop exaggerating already.
                  But then The Book thief happened.
I was aware that its supposed to be a sad book and what not but oh my God those last few pages. Its like the entire book is just preparation for that metaphorical punch in your face/lungs/heart? at the end. I wasn't even too involved in the book. Yet it made me cry , (real tears!) that continued for the next however many pages that were left. So, soo sad.
Anyhow I watched the movie trailer this morning and yuck. It is too different from the movie in my head so I have decided not to watch it.

Today was good. It rained in the afternoon and it rained like nobody's business and the sky went just the appropriate amount of dark and the sun was doing a nice orangy thing and it was beautiful. And there was wind. Cold, gives-you-goosebumps-and-sprays-raindrops-in-your-face kind of wind. So I texted N and we decided that we must eat fat jalebi and samosa or we will die. So she picked me up and we left. I wore my neon shoes again. We had hot samosay complete with the chuttni and all. Burnt my tongue. Then we had chaat. Which was wonderful.Then we had fat JALEBI. It was SO hot and crispy. I got the sticky sweet oil (sheera?) everywhere and now my jeans need to be washed. We asked the kid to get us tea but he said they don't serve tea so we were like we just saw you take tea for those guys and he said that's for us and we said can you please make it for us too and he said ok let me see and two minutes later he came back with lots of jalebi and two cups of chaye and said that chai is on the house. Life was complete then and there but we are monsters and monsters will be monsters so after all the meetha we needed salty again and got some pakoras. We listened to dido, coldplay, and Nusrat fateh Ali Khan on the way home. And talked about my life and hers and psychedelic drugs and Islamic history.

I got a haircut today. Chop chop chop. I feel liberated. And hungry.

The world is transient and so is everything in it. Truly internalizing this fact can be a double edged sword. It can make you want to be and do everything or nothing. It's hard to strike a balance. Are we supposed to strike a balance? Hmm.

Okay.