A flickering.

October. This word feels like wood. Or a chunk of chocolate in my mouth. October. Something brown, solid and square like about this word. Like dining tables in big halls.

My two week internship ended today. Bittersweet. I already miss that place. I was just beginnint to feel really comfortable and then it was over. But now I get time to focus on studies. So there's that.

It was chilly last night. And it's chilly this morning. Welcome back winter.

Today is Day 5 of zero caffeine for me. No tea no coffee. Such a struggle. But I need to stop mistreating my body. I wish I didn't have exams coming up.
(Okay so I wrote this in the morning and I had a cup of tea a few hours earlier. Kill me. )
(Okay I wrote this yesterday and had another cup today and now my stomach hurts like anything. Shit.)

I can not function until I attain absolute certainty about some things. Absolute certainty is hard to achieve. I require it, nonetheless. For now, I'm stuck in limbo. Limbo is a bad place to be. But here I am.

I can sometimes visualise life unfolding itself in front of me. I can see how little things are changing and in turn changing me. I'm being churned. That's the word.

Maybe when s2 picks me up we go have breakfast. But what is breakfast without a cup of chaye/coffee?

I sort of like sleeping on the ground. No matress, just a bed spread or a little something and I'm good. Also , silk pj's are yum. You glide everywhere.

I slept early last night so its 8 a.m and I'm up on a Sunday. I looked out the window. People are playing cricket. I can hear them shout and cheer. Cricket on a Sunday morning. I like that kind of thing.

Feeling conflicted about a number of things.

All lessons will be learned eventually. One way or the other. All truths will be realised. Someday.

Helped dad shoo a lizard out of the room. I love helping him with these things. He laughs at my weirdness. That gives me joy. So does lying in my moms lap. She talks and tells exaggerated stories and i say hmm every few minutes. Peace and joy.

Some day.

I love having coffee in tea cups. I want to go to someone's house and be served coffee in fancy cutlery. With dessert.

I'm sitting in the college common room. Have a lot of time to kill. Listening to Video killed the radio star. Makes me want to stand up.

My feet are screaming because I was out all day and soon after I got home I went out to walk. Did so for an hour.  Time for my sleepytime tea.

N's little sister, little N I shall call her. She shows up whenever I'm in the kitchen making tea. We have interesting conversations. I often ask her about school and what she's learning. She said they learned about evolution and shapes of galaxies. I asked her whether she talks in class or is she one of the quiet ones. She said she used to be quiet but now she talks. Haha. She's only ten.

I often get quite obsessive when I like a piece of literature. Or any kind of art really. If I really love it, I hesitate in sharing it out of the fear that other people would not love it for the right reasons and they'd fail to see the genius in it. It kind of ruins it. It's selfish of me I know. There are no right reasons I know. But still. Heh.

College is ending.

I am currently reading four books. My mind is being an octopus.

While I walk to my bus stop I often start noticing and mentally making a list of all the trash I see on the road. I don't know why I do it. There are a lot of cigarette stubs and empty packs. Then there was the broken comb. A chocolate wrapper. A piece of cloth. Broken glass. The usual.

I always miss my parents a lot more when I'm around them than when we're in different cities. My babiest babies.

I take pictures of people sleeping. And then I send it to them some time later. I am creepy like that.

Nostalgia hits me like a sledgehammer every time I come back to the hostel. I haven't much time left here. I feel something distinct here. A feeling of its own. It has a certain smell, this place. Neighbours were being loud as usual. Corridor ones and those beyond the wall. Baajay baj rahay thay, literally. V is staying with me so we bought groceries. Filled up the water bottles, cleaned the kettle , rolled up the chick. Felt good.
Every inch of this place screams a memory to me. And it's getting louder every day.

The sky looks brilliant and I have more to say.
But later. 

New things get old.

I'm very picky about poetry. I came across Warsan shire some time back. On good reads. Then I googled whatever I could find by her online and devoured it. She slays with her words. Effortlessly. And writes with an ink made of blood, ash and fire.

 Just spent the last few hours listening to my mom tell me stories about her past. My grand father and his life. Their struggle. Family. Death. Career. Why someone turned out to be a certain way. I asked questions this time. I want to know everything. It helps put things into perspective. I'm in awe of how strong the women in my family were, and still are. It's inspiring.

 I think I'd be a good sniper. I'm sneaky that way.

 Some people. They make you feel more alive. Not people maybe. Some moments. Some experiences. Could be anyone. Could be anything. It is like. Coloring in a drawing. Makes it come alive.

 I really like Edward Norton. And prawn soup. I really like prawn soup.

 I love odd movies. I'm watching one right now. I have to study Neuro but I'm watching this movie right now. The characters are odd. I'm sort of loving it so far. Lets see how i feel by the time i'm done.

 I also love early mornings. One of the things i really want to do, is walk to places. Wherever I want to go, I want to walk there. I love walking to my bus stop super early. I hate waking up for it, and having to rush. But by the time I'm ready and out of the house, it's great. It's quite hot these days and sometimes the sun is in my face. And I don't like waiting for the bus in all that sun. But the walking bit. That i love. I used to listen to music as i walked, but now i don't. I prefer listening to the world in the morning. I don't listen to music in the car either. I don't put my earphones on. The only time i do is when I go for my long brisk walks at night. Yesterday I listened to Abida Parveen while studying. It was quite good. Who would've thought? Hah. I laugh at my own thoughts.

 Some people. They have..disarming personalities. I like that about a person.

 We were sitting in the hospital cafe when a friend of mine asked me:
What's your biggest wish?
Me: to travel.
No, i mean, What's your wildest wish?
Me: To travel.
What do you mean. Like. Mine is to climb a snowy mountain and then dance with my friends in minimal clothing. Sort of like that. So, what's yours?
 Me: To travel.

 More later.

Abandon.

I was hanging out in r2's room today, waiting for my car to pick me. And before I left, she said 'This is probably going to sound dramatic, but..chakar laga lia karo yaar. Come more often'
Aw.

Whenever I start to get too restless about things not going my way. I turn on my Power saver mode. I cut down all my needs and wants and focus on basic shit. It helps. There's also the Survivor mode, but more on that later.

Finally got around to watching Full Metal Jacket. Read up a bit on the Vietnamese war.

Got a new phone. Loving it so far.

College is ending. College life..is ending. Hasn't hit me yet.

A baby was born today.

When the heart is put off, the heart is put off.

Pears and peaches.

A friend's whatsapp status says 'Love is not what you say, but what you do'.

Oh Lord. Time to sleep.

More later. 

Half life.

Before sleeping, I think about the cereal ill have for breakfast next morning. With cold milk. Its something I look forward to. It has raisins in it, which surprisingly, i don't mind.

 I am in love with my nephro teacher. And a song. It makes me very happy when somebody is as good at their job as he is.

 Why do we ignore the truth? Or reality. Call it whatever. But most often we know what's right. Which road to take. What path to choose. We know it with such certainty. Yet we ignore it anyway. With such deliberation too. Why is that? Well I think I know why ofc. We are our own slaves that's why. But..yeah.

 I was having chai after my afternoon nap and decided to play one of the four movies I downloaded last night. And in the middle of conversation, s2 said 'what's up with watching movies alone?'. Haha.

 I love cold mornings. When you get out of a warm bed, you're still warm. And you go out for a second. In the cold. Without your sweater, without your socks, in your flimsy half sleeved t shirt. And it wakes you up. Love that. Some people hate cold grey mornings. Not me, no sir.

Dreamed about space travel. And Aurora Borealis. Googled it in the morning to make sure it wasn't something my mind had come up with on its own. In the dream, there was a celestial event that we were going to witness at dawn, but the dream ended before we could. Ah.

A friend texted me yesterday:
'Are you coming to college tomorrow?'
Me: Yeah probably. Why?
'Toffee deni hai'
So at college today, i said where's my toffee? And true to her word, she took out two milk toffees and gave them to me. Haha, how cute.

A cockroach got stuck to my leg yesterday. Cant even..

I love it when someone can make you forget their face. When what is inside, is so shiny it blinds you to what they look like.

Stop.. Wait.. Unhand me.

Something weird has been happening. I am feeling almost exactly what I was feeling last year around this time. An abundance of gratitude. I don't want to jinx this by talking about it in detail but I will say that life has been more than kind to me. And generous. And I've been absorbing all the good that has been coming my way lately so that I am now full to the brim and almost fat with graciousness. Which makes me feel that It is time for me to give back. In some way. Any way. I must do this. To equalize and dilute. To make sense. And to feel light.

>Went grocery shopping with N today. I needed to whine and vent. And we needed to catch up. Update each other on our lives. It has been a while. So I started talking. Between aisles of vegetable and fresh cut meat and cereal boxes and olive oil. I slowly told her what my mind has been up to. Things that have bothered me. Confused me. What i'm working at. What has affected me. Or changed me. Time flew and she didn't even get her turn. I had so much to say. Once I started talking I remembered how easy it is with her. We are so different. At times the exact opposite. But there's something that bridges over all of that. Whatever that is, I'm grateful for it.