Finding homes in humans.

What I want to do. Is to wake up at 7 a.m in a hilly place. Go out and have a cup of chai. Cold wind. Warm tea. Bare feet. That's how I want to start my day. This month is testing me. Mentally. Dad made me help him carry heavy stuff upstairs. Got my knuckle skin peeled off. I feel like a kid all over again. Yesternight, the sky burst open. It showered and it showered some more. And we had no electricity for eight hours. Me and s2 got drenched in the rain. I had to come inside because i started shivering. I feel restless. I went for a walk. Even though it's so humid outside. It helped. But I still feel restless. I feel very strongly about anger. I think it brings out the blackest ugliest part of a person. They say alcohol is haram. Drugs are haram. I wish people here were as mindful of controlling their anger as they are about these things. Just saying. This month I decided to be a little extra good to my parents. Make more effort. So I did. And it made such a difference. I'm happy. My book pipeline works very smoothly. I finish one book. Then I read the next one in the pipeline. And that's how it goes, at a good, normal pace. But the past year has changed things. And now I have tons of books to read and my pipeline is jammed with books trying to make their way to me. I'm reading like three books at once and I need to slow down. I am back in the City. The air smells and feels different. Not looking forward to college tomorrow. But life must go on and shit must be tolerated. I think I'm going to sleep early tonight. What have we done to this world?

Oh and btw. These are bits and pieces that I wrote over a period of one month. Ain't much, just crumbs. 

About 15 minutes before iftar, i went out to the lawn to walk for a bit. Took my chappal off and walked on the grass. Green and soft. The sky was an odd indecisive colour. The wind is a detox. Takes the heaviness out of my thoughts. Then azan happened, so I stared at the sky for a bit, and went inside. 

Hazy.

One should not spend the entire day inside the house. More often than not, it will drive you nuts.
It only makes sense that when your physical self is not functioning as much, your mental self will go into overdrive and think itself into insanity. I'm always afraid of going through this when i come home. It's not that I don't have things to keep busy with. It's just. I need to be physically active for at least some part of the day. Usually, college takes care of that. But i'm on summer break so, there needs to be something else.
My mind feels cluttered. I've been going in circles about certain things in my head. And now i'm sick of it. I'm also sick of looking at screens. My laptop screen. TV screen. Phone screen. Yuck. I don't watch tv, but still. Yuck.
What i'd like to do right now, is to shower, sit outside and let my hair dry in the wind. Except, instead of wind, there are mosquitoes outside who will bite me and disturb my peace.
It's already nine, but it feels like 6. I woke up late. That is the problem. I need to stop waking up late. I'm too old to be doing this shit.

Deep breath.

Alright,
Enough.

A robe of skin and veins.

    I've been meaning to write in here for some time now, but something keeps stopping me. It's not that I don't have anything to write about. Quite the opposite in fact. Maybe that is the reason? Anyway. I asked dad to get me a new pair of glasses. I told him they shouldn't be black. The rest, he could choose for himself. I'm eager to find out what he brings. Also because everything is blurry right now, and I can't see anything. So glasses need to come soon.
I woke up late today, again. Not extremely late, but too late for my liking. Took a shower, had this soupy noodly vegetably broth that mom made for breakfast, and sat with parents for a while. Walked about the house, munched on a cold carrot, and organized my books. Now I'm on my desk. Sipping hot tea. Just finished a mini croissant. I love these mini croissants. Look at me going on and on about food. I love food. What can you do.
I'm actually trying to eat healthier. That's not an easy thing to do when you're home and your mom is freaking out about you losing a little weight. But I'm trying.
Alright, suddenly i feel invincible. Was it the tea? Maybe. Most probably.
I don't know why people are so negative these days. Well maybe they've always been that way. But why? About life, prospects, other people, everything. I wish people would stop saying shit about other people. Tone it down at least. Its so off putting. I also think that we surround ourselves with a lot of shit that blinds us to what's actually real. Our perception of life, is warped. To say the least. We have all these misguided ideas about what we should look like, what gives meaning to life, how our time should be spent, what freedom is, what's normal. We've allowed ourselves to be fed these concepts and everyday we are trying so hard to incorporate them into our lives without really really thinking about what it actually means. Nobody bothers to go deep enough to find out. I want to be more awake.
 s1's laptop wallpaper has this quote on it that says 'May you always do what you are afraid to do'. I'm in love with this. Isn't this the best thing to wish for someone? I think it is.
I'm wearing a lady gaga t shirt. I don't know why it's in my house. Who's is it? Where did it come from? Why am i wearing it? Life's mysterious that way.
I've downloaded a movie called Frequencies. I'm currently watching one called Spirited Away. Home is the only time i get to actually sit down and watch movies. When did life get so busy? Not even busy busy. Just empty busy. I think we all know what empty busy feels like. It's not that great.
Anyway. That's all for now.

Books, basically.

I went to the old part of the city today with V to buy some course books and discovered a world of other things. Books basically. All kinds. History, literature, medicine, politics, fiction, you name it. There were all these tiny shops with creaky shaky shelves packed to the brim with books that I don't think have been opened or even touched in years. I couldn't get enough of it and I blamed V for not taking me there earlier. I bought a couple of books and will definitely buy more. I feel that all those dusty old books deserve to be read. I think there's a world out there that I need to absorb and there isn't enough time. But maybe one step at a time. One book at a time.
Im glad that that place exists. That world of books. And old uncles who manage those shops. They seemed nice. I bought a nice pen from one of them. Its a strange colour. V called it the Falsa coloured pen. I liked that.

Veins of my thoughts.

Today has been quite shitty. Had an assessment in the morning, which i hadn't prepared well enough for. Managed to pass anyway, which made me happy. I had plans for today but then some shit happened, which put me in the worst mood and i ended up spending the entire day in my hot hostel room.
Even so, there were little things that made me feel good in one way or the other, so instead of whining about what made me feel shitty, I shall write about the good things.

* While waiting for the test to start, I was terribly sleepy and r1 let me put my head in her lap so i could nap for a bit.

* After the test, we were really hungry. Had some food at the cafe. Was surprisingly yummy.

* Found a pair of old shorts and my transformers t shirt. Wore them. Feelin' good.

* I have kept my fridge in the balcony and even though its so hot, it keeps my water at the perfect temperature. Love that.

* Drank a chilled can of Milo. Took a huge sip towards the end, and realised that the consistency was weird as hell. Thick, coagulated weirdness. Felt disgusted, spat it out without thinking. Had a bedsheet covered with a huge chocolate coloured stain. Wiped it. Threw the bedsheet in the laundry basket. Took some soap, water and brush and scrubbed the matress clean. Put a new bedsheet. Felt good.

* Ate the cafe's vegetable loaded version of Maggie and watched House of Cards.

* Roomies are out shopping and r1 asked me if i wanted anything to eat. Nice of her.

Well that is all for now.
On another note, I have discovered that if i use conditioner on my hair, and let them air dry, they look at straight as if they were ironed.
Also, May is going to be the busiest so far. I get off ward duty at 8 and then i have to do Nd's boring research work. I would've done it today, but don't have the files. So, must do it tomorrow. Antacids + coffee and I'll be good to go.

Doing whats beautiful.

I have realised something.
I'm becoming more and more and more and more and more of an introvert with every passing day.
I feel that I am most at peace and happy and productive when i'm on my own.
I'm not saying i want to me on my own at all times and for ever.
I'm saying that i should be able to spend time alone whenever i feel like it.
But life. Is not allowing me to do that.
And that is irksome.
Irk.
Some.


p.s. My post titles have nothing to do with what i write about. Don't get confused.