Savalanche.

 I have always felt like God has me under His wing. I do complain, and fret and whine and sulk. About mostly everything. But inside, I know He got me. And I got this. I've also always known that I am great company. Lately I've had the privilege of  spending a ton of time by myself and with myself. And it has been a riot. Yesterday for the first time, I went to watch a movie alone. I am so mad at myself for not having done it sooner. I had the absolute best time. Can't wait to go again. 

I've been reading again. Getting in touch with old friends. Haven't made any new ones but that's alright for now. I've been walking. Smiling to myself with a jump in my step as I do so. At times it takes me by surprise how at ease I am, being this way. I think of course, the reason it comes easy is because I am loved. I am alone, but I'm not lonely. I have love around me and love waiting for me and I am waiting for it and looking forward to it as well. It's what keeps me going. 

I am also grateful. Incredibly and incredulously so. Are things too good to be true? Well, I know a curve ball awaits me somewhere in the near future. It will be either this or that. But it will be something or the other. But I guess that's okay. For now, I'm nourished. I'm grateful to have the space and time to pause. To recharge. To play hooky a little bit longer. Things will be dealt with. Curve balls will be hit out of the park or dropped or get my nose broken with. We'll just have to see. 

Till then. Smile! 

Cat hair.

 *fingers crossed* 

This is my sixth attempt to write a blogpost in the past two months. The other five are rotting in the Drafts section. I'll try to write and quickly publish before I can have a second thought.

What prompted me to write however was a feeling of bliss. Slightly melancholic, yet bliss nonetheless. 

Its 10 am and its just me in the house. Living alone can do wonders for your soul. I think I want to do this for longer but these few days are all I have. Anyway, coming back to what prompted me to write. Just a tummy full of yummy breakfast. A steaming cup of tea. The rain is loud and fat outside. Dim lights. Cold room. Chocolate covered almonds. And Only murders in the building. This show has pleasantly surprised me. I'm quite enjoying it. Just heard some thunder. This moment is perfect. Hence, the urge to write. And maybe save.

I've always enjoyed being on my own to be honest. Such liberation. I'm glad that hasn't changed. With time and trouble. There is a reunion of sorts happening inside me. Meeting parts of myself again. The ones I didn't have time for, amidst deadlines and dread. I'm walking again. And practicing yoga whenever I can. I think, maybe, lately everything has been an exercise in some way to meet myself. The old and the new. I love both. Both are me. 

I have this urge to write and write and write. Imperfect words all of them. All my disjointed thoughts. I feel I must describe everything. 

Gratitude comes easy. Peace somehow doesn't. I mean. Sometimes all this emotion. I wish I could dial it down. Just sometimes. Enough so that I don't have to google my cat's feelings and cry over them. Or enough to feel like I do deserve the boundaries i struggle to create. 

My tea is getting cold. I do hope I go outside and spend some time on the porch. Dim lights are nice, but nothing beats daylight. I smile as i type this. Because I had a sticky note next to my bed back when I lived at the hostel. It said 'Nothing beats daylight'. I'm glad some things never change.

Isn't it funny how. Love without action can be quite useless? I have an abundance of love inside me. But imparting it, often exhausts me beyond capacity. If only feeling it were enough. What a world that would be. But i guess. Good things don't come easy. This just reminded me of the Work and energy principle we studied in physics. I just googled it and look what i found :

A person that holds a heavy object does no physical work because the force is not moving the object through a distance. Work, according to the physics definition, is being accomplished while the heavy object is being lifted but not while the object is stationary. 

Well. Well. I guess holding all the love doesn't amount to shit. You gotta keep it moving. That's when the work happens.

Okay I think that's enough for today. Pressing Publish. Yes!

Jigsaw cuddles.

 You tell yourself that everything will eventually work out. Things will fall into place, where they belong. Deep breaths. Pep talks. Muted palpitations. Compartmentalising. Procrastinating? Patience. Think positive. Take it one day at a time. We can do this. It's worth it. Much needed breaks. Paralysing anxiety.  Deadline fatigue. Attempts to focus. Learn. Memorise. Repeat. Sleep. Dreams as deep as sleep itself. Wake up. A barrage of kisses and hugs. Every morning. To do lists. Shit to do. Shit to worry about. Shit to be sad about. Shit to panic about. Shit to cry about. Shit to brush under the rug. Exploding love. Jigsaw cuddles. A quiet understanding. Shared silences. A premature longing. Amidst all of it, you tell yourself. Everything will work out. Everything will eventually fall into place. 

*

Yesterday was a full day. But a good one. We hopped from one government office to another. Stood in long lines, in 47℃, under direct attack from the sun itself. Got a lot of shit done. Had falsa juice and lemonade and top pops. Had a late lunch, early dinner at a place we like. Came home exhausted and binge watched Stranger things till late in the night. Made each other laugh through out. I cried in A's lap for a bit because of course. At one point, i told him i felt a lot of negative energy pent up inside me. When i'm done ranting, more often than not, his answer is either Yoga or Prayer. We often go for walks outside the house followed by Yoga with Adrienne. Makes my heart rest better. Last night i chose prayer. 

*

Lately I feel as if my heart has softened a great deal more. With love. The way you soak a wet cloth and it comes out drenched. Heavier. What has caused it? I don't know. But i feel it. Almost as if i have to take care of it. Guard it and nurture it. I don't know. I don't know. 

*

F*** double standards. 

Don't let the monkey drown.

 I'm having a tough time focusing. I'm having a tough time holding on to a single thought for more than 30 seconds. Ir maybe 5. I blame instagram. I've never been one of those people who go off social media and delete their apps when they decide to study for long periods or be productive in anyway. But now, at 30, (wow im thirty), it has finally started to make sense to me. I need my mind back. Also, I don't appreciate how just because I have a phone and i have whatsapp, I'm somehow available to everyone who has my number. At all times. Why? I think the solution is to just keep my phone away. I still do that from time to time, keep my phone at the other end of the room or not charge it when it has died down. Just for some respite. But unfortunately, before long, my monkey mind prances about, grabs my phone and checks out 20 different pages of online boutiques trying to decide what I want to wear on Eid, to impress aunties i don't even like, saving page after page because what if i might need it later?

Last night, while half asleep, i had this thought..that. This is not me. (keeping up with my theme of describing what is ME on this blog). I'm the girl who wears sneakers and a t shirt and goes happily about her day. Chirpin about. I'm the girl who has one good bag and one good wallet and refuses to hoard more because why should i? I feel i'm still that girl. Who is being held hostage by this IMPOSTER who wants to impulse buy 8/10 of the things instagram tells me i should buy.  How did i turn into this monster? Well granted, my tiny t shirts don't fit me anymore. But still. You get the idea right. I don't need that shit.

Its true i'm not 20 or 25 anymore and my life doesn't look the same. I don't look the same. My wishes and dreams have evolved as have my struggles and strengths. But for some things, I'd like to lean back into parts of me that I might have left behind. This is one of them. Simplicity. It's a core value and I'd like to hold on to it.

When me and A were about to get married, i told him I'm not very 'lady like', and am sort of a clumsy monkey at heart. And he said he wished and hoped that i would stay a monkey even after we got married and i wouldn't let the monkey drown amidst all the shit society throws at me. He probably doesn't even remember this conversation, but i do and so Project Monkey is on from today okay?

Project monkey sounds like a good name for a song i'd write. Now i almost want to write it.

I wanted this post to be about something else. I slept badly last night. I had a dream so elaborate and long, it felt like a Lord of the rings movie. I can't recall it right now but i do remember when i woke up i couldn't believe ALL that was just a dream. It was magnificent is all i'll say. I do impress myself I do.

I plan on having a good day today. I'll do some yoga. I'll study at a good pace. And sleep peacefully. 

Thanks.

Where the light don't shine.

Sitting on my bedroom floor last night,

the room quiet, the lights dim, hands warm, feet cold,

 in a stolen oversized t-shirt saying 'I refuse to sink',

not an ounce of makeup on my skin, hair let loose,

having Rice and Spice from KFC, 

about 50 colour pencils sprawled around me,

trying to pick the right greens and the right reds,

listening to Joe rogan talk about sleep and psychedelics

comfortable in my own company,

I thought to myself..

this is Me!

Just like the rest of what is me. 

And maybe i should write more about what is Me.

Tell my story in my own words. 

When i was a kid, We used to write essays in school

'My self' - it was titled. Beginning of every year we did that.

I said I like fish and chips. With Fanta. 

And badminton was my favourite. And reading books was my hobby.

i was gonna be a doctor. And open a hospital for poor people.

My mom told me to say that. The doctor bit.

I didn't write about how i hated cockroaches, 

and rude people, and scoring less than an A+.

Wow, i digress. 

I was just saying.

Maybe i wanna re-write the essay. 

Re tell the story.

Maybe I will.

Hearts on a t-shirt.

 

I know I've said this before, but i'll say it again. The person i am when i am out for a walk. I think that is who i really am. It's all me. Completely and absolutely. It's me and the trees. Me and the music, the podcasts, the phone calls, the thoughts, the silence. The bats, the birds. The khrch khrch khrch of my shoes on the gravel. The exhilaration. The wind in my face. Biting cold, or pleasantly cool. Even moist and heavy. It's me in my habitat. It's me and the sky.  The moon, the clouds. The smell in the air. It's mine. I really think it's all mine. 

My cat is on heat - AGAIN. I've had enough. Time for some snippety snip. 

Two of my friends gave birth this week. How surreal. 

Life likes to do a funny dance sometimes. I cried in the shower. Shadows of emotions followed me around all day yesterday, doing a dance of their own. At times, i really want to cry out loud about it. Really announce my grief to anyone who will listen. But no. It's a slow fucking mourning. And its taking its sweet time.

On the brighter side, it was s'2 birthday yesterday. It was plenty fun. Me s2 and mom went out for lunch. Girls day out. The weekend before that was also fun. There was laughter and food and stupor and some misadventure. Wholesome. Oh my. And the weekend before that. I turned 30. Yes. That happened. It was sweet. How do i feel about being 30? I feel ready. 

I think if I ever get a chance to give a giant acceptance speech for something amazing that I've done. I will definitely be taking time out to thank my gut. I am an anxious person. Remember that scene in Infinity war, at the end where Dr strange thinks of the gazillion future possibilities in the metaverse all at once? That's me 76 times a day. At least. Haha okay fine maybe not but. I can get like that. Yet every once in a while, my gut gets a feeling about something. It just knows. Like in the movies. And every time Ive leaned in to it, it has served me well. It has allowed me to make decisions not out of fear (a mistake that I've made many times in the past) but despite of it. And I'm so, so grateful for it. For a gut that has IBS, but also a gut that knows. 

Wow, all this talk of gut. I'm hungry.

Also this shade of white nail colour makes me look chic.

A little bit about last year.

Today seems like a day for writing. It rained when I wasn't looking and it's wet and grey outside. I'm wearing my extra warm sweater today. The haggard maroon one. Not letting this one go anytime soon. My coffee finished too fast. Some green tea will do. My green tea is called Morning glory. Or morning glow? One of those. An appropriate hot drink for this cold grey January morning. Well hot coco would've been more appropriate but I made an intention this morning that today was going to be a day of health, self care and productivity. How ambitious. New year new me right? New day, new me more like. 

 Lately, I have been all about gratitude and cherishing and savouring and acknowledging. The good in life. Feeling wholesome, full, warm. Despite the anxiety. Despite doubt, uncertainty, unsent messages, unresolved, unexpressed emotions. Loneliness. Stagnation. Loss. Guilt. Let it take it's place inside you. There's always room for more. For joy, laughter, for quiet evenings and quiet love, dancing with abandon, shower concerts, rambling poetry. For affection. To give. And receive it in abundance. To receive it over and over. There's space for old wounds that bleed fresh every now and then, and there's space for healing. There's space for doing the work and healing yourself and there's space for a little help. In fact all the help you can get. Why not. There's beauty. In feeling whole - with parts missing, broken, hurt. Et al 

 The year for me. Hmm. It was about. Oh it was beautiful. We went to a new years thing the other night (well, on The New years night i.e) and someone asked us what our biggest achievement was for the year. The answer came easy. For me. It was growth. I did some growing up yes i did. I worked, found fulfilment in it. I made friends and i worked hard. And then I quit when leaving wasn't easy. Struggled with self discipline. Worked out. Showed up for myself. Loved feeling my body change even though it wasn't the way I expected it to. Worked out for the joy of it. Wrote poems. Wrote a paper. Managed a household by myself. Made hummus and hot wings and banana bread. A lot of banana bread. Became a mama to a cat. Took time off for mountains and clean air. Got closure handed to me on a plate. I opened myself. I opened boxes inside me that hadn't been looked at in years. Got my hands dirty and sorted that shit out. Some was painful. And gut wrenching. Like when you cry from your chest and your intestines and it just keeps pouring out from God knows where. Your entire body is holding that shit. I don't save that kind of crying for deaths and devastation. It comes to me on a random Wednesday. But I also forgave myself for crying. I asked for love. I asked for safety. And I found it. I let my inner child come out to play. I made effort for change. I kept at it. Particle by particle. Block by block. Mountain by mountain. And I'm happy about where I am. A friend asked me what my new years resolution was. I said. To keep going. And she's like. That's not a resolution. That's something you'll do anyway.

 But it's not something I'll do anyway. It will take all of me. To keep going. To do things I've set out for myself. Even if it's terrifying. Or seems impossible. To not give up. To keep working on myself. To build relationships. To build myself. To keep making mistakes and then fixing them. Forgiving myself. Over and over. To understand my limits and then push them. And not hate myself every time I fail. To choose to live from a place of abundance and courage. Not scarcity and fear. To be one step closer to the person i aspire to be. And to stay kind. Through all of it. Kinder to myself. Kinder to those around me. 

Its hard.

 But it's what I plan on doing. I want to just keep going.