Hearts on a t-shirt.

 

I know I've said this before, but i'll say it again. The person i am when i am out for a walk. I think that is who i really am. It's all me. Completely and absolutely. It's me and the trees. Me and the music, the podcasts, the phone calls, the thoughts, the silence. The bats, the birds. The khrch khrch khrch of my shoes on the gravel. The exhilaration. The wind in my face. Biting cold, or pleasantly cool. Even moist and heavy. It's me in my habitat. It's me and the sky.  The moon, the clouds. The smell in the air. It's mine. I really think it's all mine. 

My cat is on heat - AGAIN. I've had enough. Time for some snippety snip. 

Two of my friends gave birth this week. How surreal. 

Life likes to do a funny dance sometimes. I cried in the shower. Shadows of emotions followed me around all day yesterday, doing a dance of their own. At times, i really want to cry out loud about it. Really announce my grief to anyone who will listen. But no. It's a slow fucking mourning. And its taking its sweet time.

On the brighter side, it was s'2 birthday yesterday. It was plenty fun. Me s2 and mom went out for lunch. Girls day out. The weekend before that was also fun. There was laughter and food and stupor and some misadventure. Wholesome. Oh my. And the weekend before that. I turned 30. Yes. That happened. It was sweet. How do i feel about being 30? I feel ready. 

I think if I ever get a chance to give a giant acceptance speech for something amazing that I've done. I will definitely be taking time out to thank my gut. I am an anxious person. Remember that scene in Infinity war, at the end where Dr strange thinks of the gazillion future possibilities in the metaverse all at once? That's me 76 times a day. At least. Haha okay fine maybe not but. I can get like that. Yet every once in a while, my gut gets a feeling about something. It just knows. Like in the movies. And every time Ive leaned in to it, it has served me well. It has allowed me to make decisions not out of fear (a mistake that I've made many times in the past) but despite of it. And I'm so, so grateful for it. For a gut that has IBS, but also a gut that knows. 

Wow, all this talk of gut. I'm hungry.

Also this shade of white nail colour makes me look chic.

A little bit about last year.

Today seems like a day for writing. It rained when I wasn't looking and it's wet and grey outside. I'm wearing my extra warm sweater today. The haggard maroon one. Not letting this one go anytime soon. My coffee finished too fast. Some green tea will do. My green tea is called Morning glory. Or morning glow? One of those. An appropriate hot drink for this cold grey January morning. Well hot coco would've been more appropriate but I made an intention this morning that today was going to be a day of health, self care and productivity. How ambitious. New year new me right? New day, new me more like. 

 Lately, I have been all about gratitude and cherishing and savouring and acknowledging. The good in life. Feeling wholesome, full, warm. Despite the anxiety. Despite doubt, uncertainty, unsent messages, unresolved, unexpressed emotions. Loneliness. Stagnation. Loss. Guilt. Let it take it's place inside you. There's always room for more. For joy, laughter, for quiet evenings and quiet love, dancing with abandon, shower concerts, rambling poetry. For affection. To give. And receive it in abundance. To receive it over and over. There's space for old wounds that bleed fresh every now and then, and there's space for healing. There's space for doing the work and healing yourself and there's space for a little help. In fact all the help you can get. Why not. There's beauty. In feeling whole - with parts missing, broken, hurt. Et al 

 The year for me. Hmm. It was about. Oh it was beautiful. We went to a new years thing the other night (well, on The New years night i.e) and someone asked us what our biggest achievement was for the year. The answer came easy. For me. It was growth. I did some growing up yes i did. I worked, found fulfilment in it. I made friends and i worked hard. And then I quit when leaving wasn't easy. Struggled with self discipline. Worked out. Showed up for myself. Loved feeling my body change even though it wasn't the way I expected it to. Worked out for the joy of it. Wrote poems. Wrote a paper. Managed a household by myself. Made hummus and hot wings and banana bread. A lot of banana bread. Became a mama to a cat. Took time off for mountains and clean air. Got closure handed to me on a plate. I opened myself. I opened boxes inside me that hadn't been looked at in years. Got my hands dirty and sorted that shit out. Some was painful. And gut wrenching. Like when you cry from your chest and your intestines and it just keeps pouring out from God knows where. Your entire body is holding that shit. I don't save that kind of crying for deaths and devastation. It comes to me on a random Wednesday. But I also forgave myself for crying. I asked for love. I asked for safety. And I found it. I let my inner child come out to play. I made effort for change. I kept at it. Particle by particle. Block by block. Mountain by mountain. And I'm happy about where I am. A friend asked me what my new years resolution was. I said. To keep going. And she's like. That's not a resolution. That's something you'll do anyway.

 But it's not something I'll do anyway. It will take all of me. To keep going. To do things I've set out for myself. Even if it's terrifying. Or seems impossible. To not give up. To keep working on myself. To build relationships. To build myself. To keep making mistakes and then fixing them. Forgiving myself. Over and over. To understand my limits and then push them. And not hate myself every time I fail. To choose to live from a place of abundance and courage. Not scarcity and fear. To be one step closer to the person i aspire to be. And to stay kind. Through all of it. Kinder to myself. Kinder to those around me. 

Its hard.

 But it's what I plan on doing. I want to just keep going.

Sunny smoke.

 It was hard to wake up today. I still did though. At 8 something a.m. Problem was, the headache from last night that i thought sleep would kill, persisted. It's still here. Brain fog and forehead ache. 

Ive had a cup of coffee and tea each, but here i am. Unfocused, nerves tightly wound and painful. 

Cherry on top is that there's construction going on in the house next to us and a concert right next to it. The music isn't that bad but it's in my mental space. Constantly. Even the sound of cars passing by is irritating me. I have tons to study. Panadol hasn't worked. UGH.

Oh and of course. The sneezing. Its the smog.

Yes, i'm going to lie down for a bit. Let's see. 

--

Just finished watching The bridges of madison county.  For the first time. How did i miss this? What a joy. How it makes your heart move. Maza aa gya. 

Me and A recently ordered a new vacuum and an air purifier. We expect delivery today. He texted me from work saying he'd told everyone about how he had gotten an air purifier and it made him feel very modern. I told him i knew he'd do that. And is it odd that it made me be more in love with him. Our matching enthusiasm for new domestic appliances. His more for the air purifier and mine for the vacuum.  

There's something peaceful about our little home. A joyful alignment of cores. A little dance of elasticity. A dash of stress. Abundant ease. 

As we descend deeper into winter, and the world gets quieter, it gives us a chance to listen to what we usually miss in the loud commotion of summer. What makes our hearts beat fuller? What warms us on cold winter mornings? Pay attention to the silent and the subtle, for therein lies the truth. 

--

Something odd is happening to me. My thoughts turn into poetry at night, my mind a forest of poems and dreams. I hit the sweet spot right before the curtain falls. And so there are three unfinished poems in my Notes and heart. One of them is called Homecoming, which is something i really want to talk about. But lets see.

I want to prove myself to myself. That's the real test, but i'm not sure i'm the fairest judge. I'm not sure if the test is fair even. All i know is i have to do well. To put an end to the rubbish nonsense shit i give myself for coming short every time. 

--

I've been called weak, sensitive and emotional consistently, all my life. But at least my heart is soft. Its soft with love. Its heavy with tears. It shakes with worry, threatening to overflow at the slightest touch. But At least its not hard. And it's not bitter. And I thankGod that it isn't so. It's a privilege I don't take lightly. 

--

My dad made dad jokes with me over the weekend. Made my day.

--

We went up north last month. The was a giant mountain right outside our room. I named it Candy. I miss candy. I want to write more about that trip, but i need beautiful words for that. I'll wait for them to come. Then maybe. 

--

Just gratitude things.

Things I am grateful for today:

To be able to have a self care day. Stayed in bed with an achy body. Had breakfast served to me. Egg, toasty toast, butter croissant with some peanut butter and some wake-me-up coffee. Watched downton abbey with it.

I did my Friday prayer. 

s1 gave me some surprise money for an impulse foundation purchase I made. 

Laughter that made my back hurt, with s2 last night. 

This quiet evening. The promise of winter. And my 'Digest' green tea. 

The new journal that i bought.

My privilege. 

Friday mornings are for yoga.

after brewing up a storm within, i struggled to keep afloat all day

struggled to just be 

Thats how i spent my day Yesterday.

But Today, something good stirs inside of me. 

as i straighten my spine, flex my glutes and engage my core. As the pain of this stretch courses through me, I push just a little bit more.

as I take deep breaths, and ground my feet

something good stirs inside of me

as i watch a studio full of women of all shapes and circumstance,

Bond with each other over sweat and dance. As they

join their breaths in a unified exhale, loving themselves at least for today,

something good stirs inside of me

as i lay on the wooden floor with my eyes closed shut, my instructor ask us to imagine a paintbrush,

Paint your brain your favourite hues she says, something bright something bold,

I pick pinks blues and yellow first. But then i choose gold.

and something good stirs inside of me.

with a spring in my step i shower and change, say no to a donut and yes to multigrain,

as i give in to the stupor, after an abundance of tea,

something good, again, stirs inside of me.

Agency.

Gave in my one month's notice at work the other day. And the countdown has begun. Excitement. Dread. There are things i am looking forward to. Working out, sleep, preparing for another exam, structure, spending more time with family, reading, mindful activities. And then there are other things. Not earning, being available, struggling with self discipline. Missing the circle of friends/almost friends that i've made at work. Its hard to keep in touch when you're not seeing each other everyday, and not in the grind together. Work has also been an escape. A necessary escape? But it has served its purpose and i must make some sacrifices now, if i want to move forward in life. I'm going to miss it. I'm going to miss hating it. But life goes on.

My dreams are intense these days. Its the sleep deprivation and the wonky routine. I've been dreaming of oceans. Being afraid and intimidated each time. Of the deep dark void. Don't know what's triggering it. Or maybe the Ocean is my future and that's what i am afraid of. 

I am struggling to find my voice. To own the space i occupy. To not be apologetic for my feelings, however many, however overwhelming - Oh wait. Is the ocean my feelings? Is that what i'm afraid of? My OCEAN like feelings? Hmmm. Not sure. Possible. My feelings. God. I've spent my whole life trying to find a home for my feelings. Have i found one yet? I don't know. I've found rooms however. And nooks. And corners. And yet there's a vast OCEAN, in my heart, that has no place to go. My ocean needs a home. Wow. Either this is all bullshit or maybe i am really making sense. Probably both.

There was a thunderstorm the other night, a beautiful one and there was me, half of me, misplaced, fixated on a dream that wasn't heard. 

It's not normal to be around so much death, all the time. People you know, people close to people you love. I found myself unable to sleep over someone who died whom i had only met 3 times. But i guess that's what this pandemic is doing to us. Insidious. Changing our lives in ways big and small. 

I have started a Paint by numbers thing. And while i do that, i often watch this pakistani drama that is my guilty pleasure these days. But say what you want. There's something about the main character that i quite appreciate. A personal struggle with love. Receiving and giving, both. 

Hmmm. More later. 

Hello, inner child.

 Tomorrow is Valentine's day and also a Sunday and I will be on call. Wow. Yay me.

I tried to make time turn slow today, but it didn't listen to me and ran fast. And now its after 10 already and on days that i'm tired or before really long exhausting challenging days, i like to be in bed by 10. But i am not. I'm watching Valentine's day. The movie. Watched Malcolm and Marie before that. Hmmm. Hmmm. I didn't hate it. I didn't love it either. I appreciate the effort. I enjoyed it. Zendaya and her little onesie type thing that she wore half the movie. Damn, i've been sneezing since yesterday morning. What was the Weeknds superbowl performance. It was lazy. I expected so much more. I love the Weeknd. But what the hell man. Lazy. 

Yesterday morning. It was hard to wake up. I snoozed for 50 minutes in bed before grumpily complaining to A about how impossible it was to wake up. But then he stroked my back for a while, and hugged me and told me he was going to make coffee for me. He ironed by clothes while i showered and hurried to leave on time. And while i was in the car, i thought to myself..hmmm. This isn't so bad. Having someone to wake up next to. Being held and hugged early in the morning making you feel a little less disgusted with the 9 hours of work ahead of you. It's nice. And comforting. A tonic, for my morning anxiety. 

I think, more important than anything in a relationship, any kind of relationship, is the feeling of safety. I think, for me, this is it. Every other thing and feeling ties in to this. The people i am closest to, or was ever closest to, made me feel Safe. I don't even know how to exactly explain what i mean when i say Safe, but in my heart i know it. I know exactly what i mean. And what that feeling is. And its either there or it isn't. Hmm. Okay, there's a ton more to explore here, which i think i will do on my own time. But i mentioned this here for a reason. Because its been on my mind. And that's all for now.

Winter is at its end. The days are hot and the nights are a relief. But it has started to smell of summer. Spring maybe. But things are already coming alive. Not a fan of summer sorry. I love how cold and metal like winter is and dark and cosy, so cosy. And chocolate. Summer is just loud. And alive. Which many might love, but doesn't resonate with me. Winter resonates with me. We vibe. 

Alright. I have lost my trains of thought. Yes. Trains. Multiple.

A wants us to make french toast right now. Some james oliver recipe he saw online. Oh man when will i have a day where i will sleep and sleep and sleep in the bed all day. WHEN? 

I got a haircut today.