Acid.

Ive thought about writing in here, something, anything, for a while now but i'm at a place where I want to write and i want it badly, but i want to write uninhibitedly, unabashedly, about every thought i have. Every offensive, irrational, shady thought. But i can't. And when i can't do that, it seems like, what's the point? Its an itch i can't scratch. But i recall, i used to have a way of writing about the most mundane things and sneaking in a heavy phrase or two here and there so that only I knew what it meant and the weight it carried.
I am such a restless spirit. I might make a new blog. Okay enough with the intros. For now, the mission is to write. Just write.


Just finished watching Little Women. What a wonderful second half. Saoirse Ronan is a joy to watch. There was especially this one scene. Well there were a number of scenes, but this one scene in particular where she says:

Women. They have minds, and they have souls, as well as just hearts. And they’ve got ambition. And they’ve got talent as well as just beauty. And I’m so sick of people saying that love is just all a woman is fit for. I’m so sick of it. But I’m so lonely!

And then she cries.
And then there was this other quote by George Elliot, but i won't mention it here cuz i can't google it. It was about childhood and innocence, or thats what i'm assuming it was about.

Im not very nice. I mean I'm nice. But not that nice. And often these days, I feel there is no place for the part of me that is not nice. Thoughts i'm not proud of.  Its not about niceness actually. Im talking about all the difficult unpleasant irrational unattractive parts of me. All my angst, and anger and frustrations. My anxiety over the most inane things. My almost fixation over the most inane things. My impatience. My overwhelming sensitivity, and my inability to do anything about it. My heart, my stupid sinking forever heavy heart. Part of it at least. My weakness. My ineptitude. Is that a word? Seems so. Self doubt. Laziness. Indifference. Coldness. My instinct to retract, retreat, relinquish at the slightest resistance. My tendency to delude myself into thinking i'm someone I'm not. My incessant guilt over not acting on things and not doing things that i imagine my ideal self to be doing and saying. That ideal self. That..that idea. That version of me. Its all in my head. And there is such disparity, God there is such disparity between who i am and who(whom?) i identify as. There is. Well. The point is. I feel there is no space for all these parts of me. Anywhere. And I don't know what to do with my thoughts. Whom to reveal them to. People i love and people who love me? But Being vulnerable is hard. It can make you feel very very small. And then you can't take it back. And you've relinquished some control. That you can't take back. That's a feeling i don't like. I have more to say on it, but maybe later. Probably, most surely. Probably.

Hmm. Writing has unexpectedly helped. Don't know how long this will last, but for now it is. Ah, but what i want to do is rant. Really rant. I have been, to some people. But there's always some sort of filter. And that's on me. Partially.
Im just absolutely sick of so many things. What should i do? Really. What should i do? Something has ignited inside me. I can feel it. And i have been feeling the embers for a while now. But now, i can feel a little flame. A proper little flame. And i don't know what to do with it.

I tried therapy. 2 sessions. And then i abandoned that as well.

I think it's going to take a number of posts to calm me down. For now, im going to go ahead and post this one. No spell check. No nothing.

Pie in a horse.

Its a peaceful morning  afternoon. I woke up a little before noon, right when A was leaving for golf. I wanted to say Hi or bye or hello I'm up or goodluck for today, but my body refused to cooperate and i went back to sleep. Woke up again with a boggy head, dry mouth, scratchy throat, and stiff all over. But then last night i decided that today was going to be New day New me, so i freshened up. Took two panadols (extra), had breakfast and chai. I could use some more chai. Watched this netflix documentary called The great hack. Alexander Nix reminds me of Tom hiddleston. Waiting for my frozen mango milkshake to turn liquidy enough for me to sip on. Good for my throat? Maybe not. But yummy. So yes. Kinda feeling zen. The weather is really pleasant, considering its August. So Im sitting next to the windows, curtains undrawn. White light flooding in. I love these windows. They might be my favourite thing about this room. There's a tree right outside, and i love the green. Esp after it rains.
These days I feel SO done, just so done, with negativity. The way it keeps threatening to invade my brain space. I mean. Life is good. I feel good right now. Physically not really, but in general, if you think about it, shit's good. Yes there are problems. I mean. Of course. I need to go back to the gym, I need to learn to communicate instead of imploding catastrophically every other day, and get my life and career in order and spend some time with family which has been a disaster AND stop being broke but, all these issues notwithstanding, LIFE, overall, is good. Because come on. I'm comfortable. I am healthy (currently coughing my intestines out but is ok). I like my room. I have two Netflix accounts none of which i pay for. I am married to someone I love (hehehehe, surprise) and we watch tons of Family Fued together. I love my watch. My friends are still friends. I have this amazing new pen that I love to write with. And the shirt im wearing is crimson in colour which is the best colour and so what more can you want from life yeah? And there is soup downstairs. Im going to drink it hot like lava so it will burn my lungs and they won't cough anymore so life will be perfect.
So you understand how frustrated I get when my mind chooses to focus on the shit instead of the good shit. It's not right. And i hate how EVERYONE insists on doing the same. Adding to the negativity. The stress. Why? Why? why? Why does our culture feed on fear and stress and negativity? They breed it and feed it to themselves and everybody else and I've really had it with everyone. I am a simple person and I find it easy to be happy. But somehow, somehow, i let the toxicty creep in at times. And it makes me miserable for a while. Until i jolt myself out of it. Okay i'm done with this topic.
These days I'm reading this book called What I Know For Sure by Oprah. Its like a warm cup of tea. Thumbs up from me.
I need coffee.
Some things never change.

Just keep swimming.

Life is so shit, that it doesn't even feel real anymore. It doesn't feel real to me. I'm inside someone else's life Like all those people were, in that horrendous John Malkovic movie.
I need to pass days. One day at a time. That is the goal.
Spent some time lying on my back, on the roof. Saw a shooting star. Made me smile. Orionid meteor shower and all.
Now i need to pass the night. 

Look up. Look in.

The room is really quiet. It’s almost May and summer is here so the world is loud and moving. But here, inside my room. The fan is off. The a.c is off. I’m oddly comfortable. I can hear some birds. 

My heart is hammering inside my chest. 90 bpm at least. It’s the tea. Can you believe it? Just the tea. I could fall asleep right now if it weren’t for the heart. Unrestrained. Unleashed. Not really. It rained sometime during the night. I was up till 5. In bed. Unable to fall asleep. Listening to a podcast. Acutely aware of the comforts I take for granted. Im acutely aware now. My egg and cheese sandwich was divine. The tea was good. I smell nice, from last nights shower. I prayed this morning. Everything is so different now. In so many ways, I’ve come so far. I’ve moved on. I’ve moved away. There’s an abundance of uncertainty. Hints of an impending chaos. Yet. An overwhelming sense of ‘everything will be alright’. 

I must go sit with my parents. Then maybe nap a little. The heart has slowed down somewhat. 

Went to the library today with N. Forced myself out of bed. Two cups of coffee, bad tacos, and a a ton of studying later me and her went outside to thaw ourselves in the sun. The AC was killing me. 

We sat on the bench. I almost lied down. Closed my eyes. And we talked. Just about life, nothing major. I love that time of the sky when it starts to turn its late orange into my favourite shade of blue, hesitantly so. I love the quietening down of things. I saved that moment in my head. It was one of the good ones. 

The morning is beautiful. Second day in a row I’ve been up at 7. Sleep experiments and what not. Woke up a number of times. N called at 2:30 in the morning. To say that she was out driving and that it was raining. I made breakfast. Brought it outside. I’m wearing purple nail colour. A nice summery one. Of course it’s not mine. It’s cold. This flimsy shirt ain’t helping. It’s May, I know. But the wind is cold and fresh. And the world is very bright. My heart has been washed clean. I feel happy. Yep. Just..Happy right now. 

Decisions, decisions. I took two days off from my regular routine, just to give myself time to actively think. Reflect, ponder, self analyse, re evaluate and such. I thought in silence. I camped out in s2s room and thought out loud. I texted with N. Called V. Asked s1. Wrote in my journal. Wrote in my phone. Delved real deep. To figure out what I want. And what is right. What is right for me. All to avoid trapping myself in something that I won’t be able to get out of. I am so afraid of that. Feeling trapped. Irreversible shit. There needs to be an Out window. A fire escape. A secret exit. To everything. I need those. But then I can get really abnormal about these things. So I try to not take myself too seriously. 

Ah. I need me a serious dose of wisdom. I wish I had a Gandalf. 

Curious.

I’ve been sleeping poorly. Poorly is an understatement. Last night I got a (medicated) six hour stretch of unbroken sleep and woke up in a daze. A happy daze. Snuggled up with mom on the sofa and annoyed her by throwing week old balloons around. Breakfast was a boiled egg. It’s raining a little bit. Walked to the nearest place to get some coffee. I’m mad about fresh mornings. The coffee machine was broken. They apologised. I smiled and said it was okay. Came back home. Got some home Made coffee, grabbed my book and came up to the terrace. I’m cold. The coffee is so so bitter, just the way I like it. Goes straight to the brain. I’m listening to an instrumental where the guy is using something called a Hangdrum. Very soothing. Perfect reading music. My shoes are blue and grey fluff. Like the sky right now. It’s 3 pm. Feels like 10 am. There’s a new bird around my house. It makes a lot of noise. I just saw it. Looks like any other bird, but I’m not wearing my glasses so I can’t really say. But why does it talk so much? 

It’s raining again. Softly. The drops are fatter now. I’m still cold. Even though I’m wearing my cape shawl. I’ll go inside when my phone dies and the hangdrum stops. 6%. 

February.

I feel a quiet bliss inside my chest. An almost silent drumming of melancholy too. A calmness, comfortably cold. And an urgency. A ceaseless, incessant fluttering of a heart overflowing with love, and kindness that I must give back. Always and more. 

The other side.

I had a minor epiphany the other day. Following a short rant to s1 about everything that was on my mind, I thought (out loud, over text) ‘I think I am trying too hard’. To which she replied ‘yes, you are’. Validation: Check. ✅

 So I decided to disengage. Detach. Untangle. From everything, everything that I’ve taken upon myself to fix. It was weighing me down and debilitating me. I need to face and accept my limits. I can not fix every one and every thing so why am I even trying to? Why am I worrying myself sick over things that are beyond my control? Maybe I can do better. Maybe I can help this way. Maybe if I just did this one thing, the situation will change for the better. In trying to assuage this constant guilt of ‘am I not helping enough?’ I’ve managed to create permanent wrinkles in my heart and it has started to hurt. I am exhausted. It’s time to take two steps back and breathe. 

Easier said than done though. Ugh. Easier said than done. 

Today was a day of breaking rules. I woke up really late. Pressed snooze at least 18 times. Had a royal breakfast in s2’s room where we watched Gilmore girls and lazied around for hours. Emily Gilmore is my favourite btw. Took a good shower, and wore very matching clothes with matching socks. Red. Then dad called and requested our presence. So hung out with parents for a bit and ended up lecturing them them about some important issues. Went for a walk with s2 and got coffee on the way. I’ve been off caffeine for a while now. Well not caffeine. Just coffee. Long story why but anyhow. I got me some coffee and boy was it fulfilling. Me and S2 walked for two hours and shared our grievances about the world and it’s many people. The sound of shoes on gravel is most pleasing to my ears. Especially when it’s dark and cold outside. And silent. Also aeroplanes in the dark. Isn’t it fascinating how something seemingly insignificant like watching aeroplanes in the sky can come to mean so much to you? Moving on. I got home after the walk and decided to not study at all. Spent an hour or so talking to V about mental health. THEN. Ordered fried chicken and Chips around midnight. What? And watched black mirror. Now I’m in bed. 

I like brave people. I even like the word Brave. I want to be brave. I think if I had a doggo, I’d call him brave. Instead of Wolfgang which has been my preference for a while. 

The new year has begun. We spent the night around remnants of a bonfire that is rekindled at the last night of every year. We sit around the fire and talk about our hopes and fears and what makes us who we are. I couldn’t sleep all night though. 7 am, a splitting headache, frozen feet and an unquiet heart. Realised that my relationships have more of an affect on me than anything else.