Branches of dreams.

I'm sitting under a gazebo with my books. Studying about the urogenital system. It's quite cold. But there's dhoop. And s1 is going on and on and on about her new hair colour.

No one told us that part of growing up would mean that people we knew since childhood would start dying one by one. Your grandparent, someone's father, another celebrity. You grow up and they grow old. Then they die. And life goes on.

Weather widget on my phone says its 3 degrees outside. I'm up early. Me and my badly made cup of coffee. We are up early.  And guess who else is up. People playing cricket in the nearby ground. They're up early. To play cricket. In this cold. I can hear them shout and yell and i love it.

When was the last time I just sat in bed, and spent time on my laptop? It's been a while. And it feels good. I'm sufficiently warm, sufficiently tired, and the sound of rain outside doesn't hurt either. A friend recommended some music. I asked for 'something mellow'. Playing something called Aloha Moon, and sipping green tea. Not bad.

I am increasingly moody. And I have found that anything can stir the heart. Ripples and waves and tsunamis..something or the other will always keep your waves raging. What I yearn for, however, is a deeper, oceanic calm. A certain stillness. That's the goal.

I look at the future and I see an abundance of uncertainty, and fragility. And thunderstorms of the mind. And the heart.

I love the word Ascend. And I have listened to Coldplay more than anything else these past few months. I like to capture memories through writing. Here I am writing about coldplay and vague shit. But when I read this a year from now, I will know exactly what I was doing, what colour my mind was, and how buoyant my heart felt.

Little things can make a great difference. I walked to the ATM today. It was a little late to be out walking on my own, but it oxygenated my brain. And I was grateful for it.

Eventually, we will learn where to draw what lines.

Alright, that is all for now.

Oh and my dad called me Fish after a long time. Aw.

Seasons.

My dreams are back. Raging back. For a while everything was vague and foggy. Not anymore. They are bizarre and they are back. With cancer, wars, prisons and .. Ok that sounds disturbing. But then I have exams so what do you expect.

I'm up early. Willy the rooster is being loud as usual. I went out to the balcony to see what my neighbors were up to. I like to observe their mornings.

A friend is here. My breakfast is ready. Since I'm the lazy hobo type, my breakfast consists of instant noodles, protein bar that friend generously threw at me last night, double tea-bag tea and a half eaten macaroon.

I've noticed that a lot of people, when they want something they take it.  Without much regard for anything else. And here you are thinking about how everything you do or say will make them feel. Pfft.

I need my phone to keep beeping if I'm going to be studying late at night. I need that distraction. It's almost 2 and the world is asleep. My world I.e. my small world of people who I can talk to. They're all asleep. So I'm restless.

Today is one of those mornings. I'm too comfortable in my quilt. The lamp is on. I only have exam prep to look forward to. Which is why I'm still in bed.

Came home last night, on a whim, absolutely desperate for a hot shower. And boy was it rejuvenating. S1 bought all this new shower stationery that I got to pick and choose from. I was over joyed. This was followed by coffee, macaroon and warm pj's. Happy sigh.

My mental climate is very different from what it was a few months ago.

I woke up to the sound of rain. Well slept, head full of dreams.
Got a call from mom asking me to open the gate. They brought boneless fish. I waited in the porch for a while breathing in the rain. They came. We ate and laughed. Now I've made myself a mug of coffee and I'm back in the porch. I've stumbled upon a YouTube playlist that has coffee shop songs.
Oh God. What is one to do in weather like this? It makes me feel like I can jump off a building and not even fall.

December.

Time to shake some dust off this place. 

The year has come to an end, once again.

There's a new years bonfre/bbq at Nd's place, once again. 

But so much has happened. 

And this post is not going to be a summary of that. 

s2 made me realise the strangest thing today. Which is, that nothing bad has ever really happened to me. Nothing major. Yes, obviously I have had my ups and downs. But my timeline has been pretty straight, no crazy curves, no loops, no zigzags. Well some zigzags maybe, but that's about it. Thing is, everyone has to go through it at some point. Everyone must fall. Eventually. And seems like I just begun mine. Fall, i.e. Its an odd feeling. But it will pass. And I will come out stronger. 

This december sort of feels like a cold, misty gray morning. With thandi dhoop you know? There has been much morbidity around me. Reality keeps showing its face and we keep covering our eyes, but for how long? 

Mothers have super powers. They sense things. Today, parents came home and i went to open the gate. Mom hugged me and wouldn't let go. She said we are Locked twins and we will stay like this. Made me laugh. 

I am also in love with my winter walks. They make my day. I love being warm all over. Yet not being able to feel my face. I love how most houses in my locality are decorated with fairy lights. I love that people bring their dogs out for walks. I love the winter sky. I love how Orion stares you in the face. I love it that my face goes red. Especially my nose. Love, love, love.

"We are moving into a time when the image would become more important than the object itself, when appearance would be preferred to reality and it would be ever harder to know the truth" - 

Had to note this down when i first heard it. Don't remember the name of the guy who said it though. 

I think it's quite amazing that at the moment I have absolutely no idea what my life will be like in 6 months time. 

Also, I have no resolutions. I already know the things i want to do, and who i want to be. The decisions i have to make. And its a constant struggle. Which shall continue into the following year. 

Till next time!

Almost.

Had the most beautiful dream last night. Well, more like early morning. There was rain, cozy corridors, the feeling of an almost. People, multiplicity, and an overhanging feeling of joy. Also there was a lamp. I'm listening to this song by Vancouver Sleep Clinic as I think about this dream. It's the kind of song that makes you feel cold. The good kind of cold. The cold you imagine to be feeling when it's raining outside. The comfortable, feet warm nose cold kind of cold.
Ah. *happy sigh*

This is not a poem.

                  I feel 14 today.
                  And also 25.
                  I am me,
                  and four other people,
                      and ten more,
                      and then a million,
                  but also just one.

                               My new room is cozy

                               All that's missing

                                    is a bed, a closet, lamp

                                    something to sit on,

                                    and what makes a room..

                                                          ..a room.

                             But it belongs to me

                             The thought is cozy enough.

    I had a headache,
    so I took a nap
    a cold, disturbed nap.
    drank tea
    wore a sweater
         a rich green shade,
               No.
         An odd forest green
         that could be called emerald
         if it weren't so plain.
  Maybe not even then


                 I dislike all fiction that starts with 'She'
                              Hate is a strong word,
                                            yes.
                 But it puts me off.
                 I don't read things that start with 'She'
                                                        Or even 'he'
                 Come on I'm not sexist.

"All is One and One is All"
Someone asked my 6th grade history teacher,
about What this line meant
             She hesitated
And then said
    it was something beyond our level
    a complicated concept.
    and irrelevant to the chapter.
But because she hesitated,
    I was fascinated.
So i never forgot
those words or her hesitation.
And remember it even now
 when I am 25 and 14.

                                                       

500th post.

Thankyou invisible readers. And everyone who has ever dropped a comment or an email. You have made my day every time.
Cheers.

P.s. On this joyous occasion I would encourage you, (YES YOU!) to make your presence known and make me happy once more.
Comment/mails, any feedback is welcome.
Kthnxbye. 

A flickering.

October. This word feels like wood. Or a chunk of chocolate in my mouth. October. Something brown, solid and square like about this word. Like dining tables in big halls.

My two week internship ended today. Bittersweet. I already miss that place. I was just beginnint to feel really comfortable and then it was over. But now I get time to focus on studies. So there's that.

It was chilly last night. And it's chilly this morning. Welcome back winter.

Today is Day 5 of zero caffeine for me. No tea no coffee. Such a struggle. But I need to stop mistreating my body. I wish I didn't have exams coming up.
(Okay so I wrote this in the morning and I had a cup of tea a few hours earlier. Kill me. )
(Okay I wrote this yesterday and had another cup today and now my stomach hurts like anything. Shit.)

I can not function until I attain absolute certainty about some things. Absolute certainty is hard to achieve. I require it, nonetheless. For now, I'm stuck in limbo. Limbo is a bad place to be. But here I am.

I can sometimes visualise life unfolding itself in front of me. I can see how little things are changing and in turn changing me. I'm being churned. That's the word.

Maybe when s2 picks me up we go have breakfast. But what is breakfast without a cup of chaye/coffee?

I sort of like sleeping on the ground. No matress, just a bed spread or a little something and I'm good. Also , silk pj's are yum. You glide everywhere.

I slept early last night so its 8 a.m and I'm up on a Sunday. I looked out the window. People are playing cricket. I can hear them shout and cheer. Cricket on a Sunday morning. I like that kind of thing.

Feeling conflicted about a number of things.

All lessons will be learned eventually. One way or the other. All truths will be realised. Someday.

Helped dad shoo a lizard out of the room. I love helping him with these things. He laughs at my weirdness. That gives me joy. So does lying in my moms lap. She talks and tells exaggerated stories and i say hmm every few minutes. Peace and joy.