Love not that which sets.

What is this insane obsession I have with writing down all of my thoughts. As if they must be released. Somewhere, anywhere.

I love to walk back to the hostel after college. Little things catch my eye. Eye, ear, heart.

I missed a lecture to do some presentation work. Im in the canteen. Listening to Staind, im on the outsideee and im lookin in. Hardly a morning song but whatever. I've ordered Styrofoam coffee and digestive biscuits and im happy.

Its hard to let go of something that means something to you. Its harder to let go of it, prematurely.

Walked to the bus stop this morning. N made a map to help me navigate. I was fifteen minutes early so I leaned against a car, put my earphones in and read my book till the bus came. The sun was orange, the air was cold and the music uplifting.

I did not lose my keys all year. Lost two pairs of keys in the last three days. Came back to a locked room. Exhausted and hungry. I could wait at the hospital and see an amputation. But it was going to go on till late so I chose to come back instead. Looking forward to biryani, movie and bed. Don't have anything sweet in the room so powdered milk will have to do.

I feel like I'm everywhere and nowhere.

Dad called me late last night and he sounded quite active. I asked him if he was outside. He said yes me and your mom are outside eating halwa and its raining. I told him I missed home. We talked for a while. Before hanging up he said, btw its not raining. He's so cute it breaks my heart.

And this. ..Whoever is sunk in the depths of ignominy Calls his weakness contentment. Weakness is the plunderer of Life, Its womb is teeming with fears and lies. Its soul is empty of virtues, Its milk is a fattening for vices. O man of sound judgement, beware! This spoiler is lurking in ambush. Be not his dupe, if thou art wise: Chameleon-like, he changes colour every moment. Even by keen observers his form is not discerned: Veils are thrown over his face. Now he is muffled in pity and gentleness, Now he wears the cloak of humility. Sometimes he is disguised as a victim of oppression, Sometimes as one whose sins are to be excused. He appears in the shape of self-indulgence And robs the strong man's heart of courage.. (Iqbal)

Just eat up all the gray.

 I'm back in my dark little room, listening to Explosions in the sky, down with flu and overloaded with soup, joshanda and noodles. And anti allergics. And a pain killer. Today has been weird. The past few days have been weird. Weirdly good at times. But weirdly shit too. It's all a little chaotic.
Last night I sat on top of a slide, with some old music on. The sky never gets boring. Froze to death. Not the best thing to do when you've got the flu but it was just so quiet and peaceful. I must do it again.

My roomies are forcing me to attend this thing that i don't want to attend. I'd rather go to this new place V discovered. Sit back, talk and relax over cups of coffee. That's what I'd like. But r2 said she won't take no for an answer.

This is my favourite time of the day btw. Being in bed. With only sleep to look forward to. Why isn't there a perfume yet that smells of silver markers? Which reminds me. That I've missed typing. I'm on my laptop right now, and I love the sound the keys make when i type. And you know what's the other sound that i love? I love the sound that the spoon makes with the mug when you're stirring something thick. That nice gluggy sound. I love that.

We have a professor this year, who i really like. He's a nutcase, in a good way and makes everyone laugh. I usually don't find teachers funny but this guy is old and cute and crazy, and the best part is that he teaches really well. So. Yay.

It rained today. Made me want to walk for hours and hours. And so i did.
I like midnight blue and blood red.
Ah, i love the cold.

Days these days.

I have a good routine going on these days. Ugh, s2 is watching a show, and it's distracting me. So, i usually wake up around 12-1. Then breakfast, eggs and sausages. Then me and s2 basically don't do much all day. Which doesn't sound very fun, but the boredom is relaxing in a sickening kind of way. In the evening I spend time with my parents, and later me and s2 sit around the heater in our chairs like old people and talk. Sometimes when s2 goes out, i doze off in my chair. Its one of those old grandfather chairs. Sounds comfy, i know. Anyway, then there's dinner and Friends. After that, i go out for a walk. I love my daily walks. Frozen face, red nose. Sky. When i come inside, I shower with water that burns. Then green tea. The last thing i do is watch a movie with s2. Then I read one out the three things i'm reading. And fall asleep.

But too bad, I hardly have any time left at home. Oh well..

Dreams of sickly lions.

My left eye keeps twitching. My sisters are complaining about how cold it is, but i feel fine. They say i'm hyperthyroid. But I'm not. Yes, yes, 2015 is here. New year, etc. I had a great New year's night though. Spent time with family and friends. Sat around the fire all night, talked, played Taboo and Cranium and won both times. YES. Went for a nice breakfast around 9 and then crashed by 11. A.m.
Things have also been weirdly shitty. I have all this free time, but I haven't been in one place. Weddings and all the to and fro shit. Surprisingly, i didn't mind the weddings much. And i know why, but forget about that.
The other night, Nd got me a slice of my favorite coffee cake. I was ecstatic. It's one of those things.
I have a lot of plans for when i go back to the City. But. I don't know how much of that I'll actually be able to do. I don't know how it's going to be once i go back. Things are going to change, big time. The wheels are already in motion, and I don't know how it's all going to end up. But I..I have to be prepared. And i have to deal with it. Must keep my expectations low. And maybe everything won't be so bad.
Change is always scary. It's uncomfortable. But i think it's all a matter of time. What's going to happen is going to happen. Meh..
I know i'm being super vague, but that's the best i can do right now.
I've been reading a lot of non-fiction lately. Reading three things right now. One of them is proving to be a bit of a challenge for me. Maybe i should change my reading timings. Or sleeping habits. Because i have an oversleeping-induced headache most of the day and that makes it hard for me to focus on shit. I keep saying shit. Shit shit shit.
But i don't want to stop reading. Its important that I continue.
Umm. I feel like I should maybe talk more about the new year, but what's there to say? I don't think there's anything. Well, there is. But forget about that right now.

The key is, to change the way you think. The way you see..perceive.That's the key. Once you change that, change the thought, words will flow and actions will follow.

My eye is twitching again.
Oh btw. I watched taxi driver last night. About time right? Robert de niro looked good. But his teeth! It's like he's one person with his mouth closed but then he opens his mouth and he's someone else. Everything changes.

Except a little.

Came home the other day. My personal rehab. I'm here to relax the shit out of myself. Detox. Recover. Revive. And all those words. On our way home, me and dad were driving through the old part of the city, mom wanted him to get fresh oranges for me. He parked near the fruit vendors and then he pointed to this really old two story building and said 'Do you know this is where i used to live? I was probably born here but we left this place early'. Then he showed me two green doors on the top and said that the doors hadn't changed. He said that as kids, they used to stand on the roof, wrap some grass in paper and throw it on the road. They would watch people pick it up, but finding only grass, they'd throw it back on the road. That was their entertainment. I smiled.

It's cold here. There's hardly any gas. But i have my big quilt and my towel socks. Last night I finished a book that got me through a lot of shit. It had sort of become my go-to book. And i was a little sad that it ended. But now i have something new to read and so my mind will keep stretching. Thinking of starting a little fiction on the side, but let's see about that. I stayed an extra day in the City, to watch The Hobbit. Liked it more than i thought i would. I've noticed that i enjoy watching movies with r1. We laugh a lot. Now i'm thinking about my last day at the hostel before coming here. I really liked that day. Dim light. Cosy little room. All of us being cosy. Sleeping, talking, laughing, eating. There was a timelessness about that day. And Nd took us all out for ice cream too. Sometimes he gets too brotherly. It's nice.

Mom and dad are sweethearts as usual. Mom is forcing comfort on me. Wear these socks. Wear an extra shawl? Should i make you a burger? Will you have halwa? Do you want to order in? Sit in front of the heater. Here, have a banana. Haha. Dad makes fun of her 'kandhon pe bitha lo isko' he said. Hahah. Sweetbabies. s1 is struggling with having to study in this cold cold atmosphere. And s2 is busy with her friend's wedding.

Isn't it really interesting how mindsets change drastically over time? Thoughts, opinions, perceptions? Everything. You can not trust your mind. I mean, of course you can. But not quite. We're all changeable little people. Speaking of change, I need to change a lot of things. I made a new years resolution list with Sd last year, and we'll make one this year too. He told me to set achievable goals. But mine are always so vague and big. I can hardly measure my progress by the end of the year. Maybe i'll do better next time.

I don't want these days to pass me by. I want to fix myself in all the ways that need fixing. And i want to and have to do it myself. I can already feel a certain change happening inside me. Some essential part of my core, has shifted. And there is more to come. Hopefully. I don't want it to stop. The biggest changes i think, happen the quickest at times. A spark. A realization. An instant. And then nothing is the same.

I have to attend weddings this month. Not looking forward to any of them. There's too much make up involved. And too much fanciness. I'm just not a wedding person. Oh well. I'll deal with it. I'm looking forward to the bonfires. I love the bonfires. And i miss my boots. My one and only pair. I think I need a new jacket though. My neck hurts. I slept in a weird posture and now it's stiff. I had the weirdest dreams last night. But when have i ever had normal dreams? But the airplane made an appearance again. Crashed i think. Stupid airplanes.

I like to pollute people's notebooks. ALL the time. All my friends have some shit on their books and notebooks because of me. And they often send me pictures of it later while they're studying. I like leaving my mark on things. It's a thing. When i was in school, our classroom's Whiteboard had a smiley in one corner. I drew it with a permanent marker. Heh.

Anyway, I'm done for now.
Time for a hot shower.

Yellow flicker beat.

Hmm. I guess it has been a while. Who has had the time? Well it isn't about the time. It's about the mindset. Oh God, I've had the shittiest most stressful exam month. Absolutely dreadful. Multiple meltdowns. Unhealthy routine. Oceans of caffeine. No sleep. And what not. It's still not over but I've got some time off. And I'm going to relax the shit out of myself. Yes i will!

There is a lot going on in my head. A lot of it that i would like to write about, in some way at least. But i don't even know where to begin and how to contain it in words. Maybe with time. Bit by bit.

I'm obsessed with Comfortably Numb these days. I'm listening to a lot of old music nowadays. Feels good. s1 said she was in a weird mood. So i sang along a backstreet boys song and sent her a voice clip of it. That was fun.

My forearms hurt when I am really exhausted. Head, forearms and upper back.

I'll write more later. Right now, I'm going to finish watching Camp Xray. 

Pouring moonlight.

I like spending some extra time in bed every morning recalling the dreams I had. Planning the day, thinking about breakfast, stretching like a cat etc.
But some nights, I dream a million dreams. So my head feels boggy when I wake up and it takes a while to clear the fog away. Makes me feel grumpy. Makes me feel like saying No to the day and going back to sleep. Today was one of those days.

I laugh a lot. I mean, A LOT. Me and s2 usually end up with tears in our eyes from laughing too hard. Also I turn red very easily. Ive been told.

My dad is funny in the sense that he acts all tough and stone like but inside hes just giant big marshmallow. He smiles his microsmile. I love his micro smile and his subtle non-laugh.

One would think that after four years it would get easier to leave home. Well actually it does get easier but some times, it's as hard as leaving for the first time. I like to leave early when everyone is asleep.

I'm now back at the hostel and struggling to get out of bed. V texted me and said she was struggling too. So we exchanged some music on whatsapp and now she's up but I'm still in bed. Ok I'm up too now.

Nd and W came to pick me last night. For ice cream. We ate, talked, laughed and then they dropped me back. Mood elevator.

My hair is short now. Proper short. Its so refreshing. A friend of mine suggested making eggs in butter. Have to try that. I have a good feeling about it.

My hands are always warm. Even when its cold.