Its 8 pm on a sunday. Im home. A has gone to meet a friend. I would call my sister/s over but i'm in a fight with them. I checked with two of my work friends but that didn't work out either. I've already called mom once today. If i call her more than that, she's going to think something is wrong and i don't want that.
I'm usually quite okay, and even happy being alone. Having this time to myself. But something is off today. It's making me feel lonely.
Something very different happened the other night. A calls it a breakthrough. It was. Some thing inside me snapped and i broke down. Broke free rather - now that i think about it. But amidst the breaking, and the sobbing and feeling like my eyes were balloons on fire, there was him. Wiping my tears, holding my hands. Letting me break. Collecting the pieces and putting them back over and over. Putting them back better. For every 'i feel mad' and 'there's something wrong with me', there was 'i've got you', 'i've got you', 'i've got you'. I woke up feeling different. Warmer. A little more complete. Soul a little unclenched.
I just started watching Parfum. On netflix. Ugh. Why did i choose this? Why are sperm whales called sperm whales? Okay i just googled it. Boring answer. Never mind.
Which reminds me. I met an old friend of mine yesterday. A quick dinner. She's here from another country. She was happy to see me, and i think she thinks too highly of me. Its sweet. And it made me feel good. Of course. Damn this is going to be one sick show. What did i expect. I've seen the movie. Ugh.
I'm starting to get hungry. I also want to colour.
Didn't i have lots and lots to write in here? Well i did write about 7 pages in my journal just the other day. So maybe i'm all talked out.
I'm never all talked out.
Bye.
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