Lost in translation and pine cones.

Father and I are going to eat fish for dinner. I roasted some cashews today, then had them with coffee and salt. I didn't roast them. I microwaved them. My mind is going through an information overload (avalanche?) these days. There is too much to read. And watch. More read than watch. And learn. Too many bookmarks on my browser, too many tabs on my phone, too many files on my Adobe, too many books on 'Moonreader', a couple of paper backs and then some.

It seems to me that part of my brain that used to be in charge of social interaction, short circuited and blew itself up some time ago which has left me in an odd predicament where i don't know how to be around people anymore. Or even if i want to be around people. Or do i want to be on my own? Or both? Probably both. But nothing about being around people feels right. Something is broken inside. Not in the emo sense no. Just some kind of focal lesion in the brain i think. Probably so.

Me and N have been spending more time together lately. We went out for a late lunch the other day and the weather was nice. The sky was orange and blue. And there was a breeze. So we sat outside with our paninis and carrot cake and talked about all sorts of things. Elon musk, aliens, losing important friends, career and so on.

I crossed a significant milestone in my life recently, and I don't feel much about it. I have 6.7 billion decisions to make and it takes up a lot of my braintime. I have noticed that whenever my mind is in a clutter, i ultimately turn to pen and paper to sort things out. Haha. I don't mean that in a literary way. (i wish i did) I mean that I usually take a paper, i jot down some gibberish, make some arrows here and there, cross things out, and i do it until I have physically given shape to my thoughts. It's not pretty or artsy. It's gibberish. But it works most of the time.

I sit for long periods of time staring into space and s2 finds it absurd. I'm often quiet, very quiet but then if you sit inside the house all day long, the mind does turn a bit gray.

 I need to stop climbing into people's hearts and feeling their feelings for them. (for the time being).

"But, Wally, don't you see that comfort can be dangerous? I mean, you like to be comfortable and I like to be comfortable too, but comfort can lull you into a dangerous tranquility"

You know that song from Cinderella? A dream is a wish. I love singing it. Humming more like. It's soothes me. Also, I love stripes. I love shirts with stripes and i love bed sheets with stripes. Stripes are nice. I like horizontal stripes more than i like vertical ones. I had steak today. It tasted like Mehendi. I couldn't eat it, and when the manager came by to ask about the food, i really wanted to tell him about my dish but 'your steak tastes like mehendi' didn't seem like a proper thing to say so i stayed quiet.

Okay. Yes. We’re bored now. We’re all bored. But has it ever occurred to you, Wally, that the process which creates this boredom that we see in the world now may very well be a self-perpetuating unconscious form of brainwashing created by a world totalitarian government based on money? And that all of this is much more dangerous, really, than one thinks? And that it’s not just a question of individual survival, Wally, but that somebody who’s bored is asleep? And somebody who’s asleep will not say no?

The quotes are from Dinner with Andre. Don't be so curious now.
Later.

T

So you think you can tell.

All day my phone said 'Thunderstorms' where the weather forecast is supposed to be and i kept thinking my phone has gone cuckoo. Or maybe it was just trying to suck up to me because believe me, 'thunderstorms' is exactly what i like to see in my weather forecast. And i think my phone knows that considering the number of times I've taken screenshots of my homescreen when it said thunderstorms. But turns out, phone is not cuckoo, it was just early. It started to rain around 5 pm and hasn't stopped since. I stayed inside, initially because every time it rains, my body, especially my chest, especially my heart seems to fill up with helium. And a restless kind of helium, an urging kind. It urges me to get up and do something, but there never really is anything to do. I mean, yes. More often than not, when it rains, i go and walk out, i listen to music, i drink coffee with a nice dessert, i make plans with people and so on. Why do i do these things? To gain some sort of satisfaction of doing the weather justice. 'It rained, so this is what i did'. But..it doesn't feel complete. Nothing really gets rid of the helium. The urge. A few months ago, me and N spent the entire day out while it rained. We had a chance to catch up, i looked nice, i had a seafood platter that wasn't half bad, we listened to good music, we had my favourite dessert. We drove around. It was great. But still. Helium. It sort of dies down as the day goes by but not because of something i did. Because whatever i do, it doesn't touch the Helium. No sir.
                                                              Anyway.
So i stayed inside at first while it rained, but then i went out and the smell, oh the smell. I had to be out. So i made some green tea, took a huge umbrella and went out to walk. The light was out and there was no one home. I'm not an umbrella kind of person but i took it anyway, for a change. And it was good. I listened to some music and imagined imaginary situations that are nothing more than imaginations. And then i came inside. The neighbors are having a live music show of some sort. A guy is singing. I hear people making the noise they make in social situations. Is there a name for that? Don't think so. There should be a name for that sound. Of small talk. Glasses clinking. Kids running. An occasional laughter. And so on. So i heard them make this sound while the smell of bbq found its way to me, and i imagined them having a good time. I also imagined them having kashmiri chai. I would kill for kashmiri chai right now. I asked dad to bring bbq on the way back, and he did because he's a cutie at heart. We had that and then i served some yogurt and strawberries which he didn't like but i loved. I accidentally read 'bowtie' as 'bouty'. Heh.

Confusion and discontentment arise from the mistaken belief that we are a noun. Contentment is realized when we stop swimming against the stream and settle into the fact that we are a current in the stream. The current is not other than the stream. It is the movement of the stream.

Read this somewhere the other day and liked it.

I think I will be writing a lot. Brain vomit, psych rant, whatever you want to call it. Except I don't think i will be writing anything of substance. Just spooning the froth off my coffee mug and spilling it out here. Which reminds me, oddly..

That i like the word 'Decant'. It makes me think of the sound a heavy glass makes when its put on a table made of wood. Hmm. The glass is not too heavy.

That is all for now.

3 am rationalizing.

Its almost 3 a.m. And I'm now in the middle of the third season of The Newsroom, which is too short for my liking. I've come to like this show (never really disliked it so i wonder where i'm coming from) because it was there for me through measles and days when my brain threatened to turn to cabbage out of boredom. Problem is: Im hungry. My stomach is making noises. The other problem is: There's nothing in the kitchen except instant noodles. It would be extremely unhealthy of me to eat noodles right now, i know i know i know, but who in the history of history has ever made a healthy decision at 3 in the morning? Will i be happy if i eat an apple instead? No. Would bread and cheese help? No. I need something soupy and savory. I mean. I plan on starting gym anyway, so a bowl of noodles can't be that bad can it? ALSO. I weighed myself today, (i hardly ever weigh myself, weight it just a number i say) and it was about 7 kgs less than i expected it to be. If i actually weigh as much as the machine says i do, i don't need no gym at all yo. BUT. I don't gym to lose weight, i gym to feel healthy. Now i'm talking as if gym is such a permanent part of my life. Its really not. Its just something that i need to incorporate in my life. Starting tomorrow. So, in celebration of that, i must consume a bowl of carbs, followed by a slice of that nice mildly sweet mithai i found in the fridge. I like it when mithai has pieces of foil on it. Sometimes. Well, this one looks nice with pieces of foil. So. Yeah. Noodles + cute slice of mithai. Done, and done. The decision has been made.
Im going to be asleep by 4 a.m. Funny how i was reading this article about people who wake up at 5 am, and i was tempted yes i was, but then what really happened was this unhealthy business that you just witnessed. How can i wake up at 5 if i am going to be sleeping at 4? But then again. All this will change. Soon. So let's be shit for a while? Funny how i was talking to N about temporary fixes and how i despise the idea of it. I am being so irrelevant and incoherent that I should just stop and go make noodles. I will post this without proof reading it even once, because if i do, i will end up deleting it.
 So.
Deal with it.
Thanks.