Clock in, clock out.

Life is like a magic ball these days. Remember magic balls? The crazy little shits that are super bouncy and once you let them go they bounce off every single surface around you with the speed of light making it impossible to catch them at all? Life is like that these days. All I got are these little snatches of time, me time, that I try to stretch out and live in as long as I possibly can. Time is relative. So I mentally stretch these pockets of time and make them my own. Right now, I'm on my way to work. My stomach is a complete mess and so are my sinuses. For breakfast I had two Panadol Extras and one brave bite of leftover pizza.  What I like about work is how every day is a new chance to be good to people, to make their life a tad bit easier, better. A pleasant interaction can make your day. And it can be with anyone. Smile when you talk. Joke around a bit. Listen. Be kind. Not very hard. I try to do all of these. I like it when I've had a long long day but it has been a productive one. Anyway.

I think that nothing in life is harder than having to watch your loved ones be in pain. I can handle my own pain. My problems will never bug me as much as another person's will. Because I can control myself and I can fix myself, because I know how to. But you cant always fix other people's painful hearts and greyed souls. You can't change who they are or who they've become at this point in their life. You cannot make them behave a certain way even if you believe it might help them. It is a bit agonizing but even more so because you know that if youre feeling bad, they're probably feeling worse.

One of the highlights from this week for me was my early morning breakfast with N the other day. We sat on a rooftop and it was sunny but cold and I had a hearty omelette and she had yogurt with fruit and granola and that was three days ago and I knew I was going to make myself the same thing at home so I did. I put yogurt and granola and pomegranate and banana in a bowl and gobbled it up. It makes for a great breakfast. I was humming the Lion king's Sega, level one soundtrack all day today. Still am.

I am perpetually tired and my body is warm and achy in different places everyday. N says that I get this vibe about me when I am working. A dull/dead vibe. She doesn't like it. I don't feel it though. *Shrugs*

The other day a friend asked me what I was thankful for. That made me think of things and I didnt really have to think hard because I am actively consciously thankful for many small things every day. So I think maybe I will write about the small things that I am grateful for, in the next post. My posts are never planned, which is so obvious but I think I will be writing about this. Hmm.

Okay, till then.

Rage against the dying of the light.

I am groggy this morning because I did not get enough sleep last night because me and V accidentally talked for 6.5 hours over the phone. Yes. We talked about career plans and clothes and movie ideas and how the world turns and life decisions and my emotional constipation. Mom woke me up earlier than I wanted to and kept me up till the urgency to sleep left me and now I'm in that uncomfortable foggy state of mind where you have nausea with eyes full of headache yet you can't fall back asleep. But isn't it the best feeling to lie in bed in the morning and stretch like a cat cat cat? It is, i know.

I stayed over at N's place the other night. I cannot emphasize enough on how important it is to have a place other than your home to crash at. I have always had a Place. I helped her bake a cake with three colours, and we had tea and i had dinner with her family and her mom kept asking me to eat more chicken. I also had conversations with her sisters, which is always interesting. Because I don't know how to interact with kids really, and the youngest is 11 i think. She asked me questions that she thought were General knowledge questions like, 'What river flows under the London Bridge?' and 'If you mix salt and water, is it a mixture or a solution?' and 'What four cells is a connective tissue made of?'. I got them right btw because i am amazing like that except for the last one which i forgot about heh. I enjoy being in a house with school-going kids, because it reminds me of when i was little, things like a geometry box, homework diary, clay for making pots. Have i ever mentioned that i am interested in pottery? I would like to try that one day.

I love to nap after a good breakfast. More like, dozing off. I love breakfast. I love mornings that are chilly and quiet. I love cold sunny mornings. I love coffee with peanut butter sandwich; warm crispy toast and soft sticky peanut butter with a swig of bitter coffee. Mmmm. I love that time around dawn when the room temperature is perfect. Not too cold, not too warm.

Work has begun. Deadly routine starts tomorrow. I badly want a LOTR marathon with N. I think it's going to bring me much joy. Yesterday i texted her 'Magnum' and after a while she said open the gate. And there she was with two magnums. Isn't that just.. everything? I was thinking about how some times you think that you can have everything at the same time, and you realise somewhere along the way that no, you have to choose between one of the two. You have to commit somewhere. Prioritize. Sometimes you don't have all the raw material to make an informed decision, but you don't have time and you wing it, and learn to deal with whatever comes. Hahah i am so vague, forgive me.

Work has begun again and tis gruelling as always. No problem, I am managing to stay on top of things. So far. I am wearing socks with bunnies on it, (not very professional, just like Robert Langdon's Mickey mouse watch) but hey, they keep me happy and that's all that matters. It's 11 pm right now and I am dozing off.

This afternoon I was half asleep and I asked some friends what superpower they would want if they could have one. And one of them said she would like to 'have everything'. I said well that's pretty boring. Another friend couldn't think of one, she said she had never really thought about it and I said that's weird because everyone has thought about this, no? Another friend said he would like to 'know everything'. We also talked about how a lot of people say that they would like to read people's minds. I can hardly handle the noise in my own head, I give zero shits about the junk in everyone else's. Then I told them what I want and they were convinced about how amazing my superpower is. Hmm I suddenly thought of another one. That's pretty great too. Anyway. As I mentioned earlier; I'm quite sleepy so this will have to do for now.

Later. 

The space behind a waterfall.

I agreed to go out with s1 and help her do wedding shopping the other day. I'm a silent partner, who occasionally stops her from doing and thinking stupid things. So we did some shopping but also ended up buying non shaadi things with money we couldn't afford to spend. I got some fried donuts on the way back and got dropped to Ns place where she made tea for us both and we hung out in her room till my mom called asking about my whereabouts after which I went home. At home s1 wanted to watch a movie and I suggested we watch It's a Wonderful life. And so we did and I really really enjoyed it. I'm watching Spellbound right now and I have realised that I like Ingrid Bergman. She looks classy. I woke up in a pleasant state of mind this morning but then things took a bad spin and I was in a foul mood for the rest of the afternoon. So I showered and ate chai with rusk after a long time and then no one was home except s1 who was in her room so I went and sat on the steps in our porch and just sat there thinking and gazing into the void in my mind. This was interrupted by a phonecall, it was dad and he sounded so heavy and stressed out that I ended up counselling him about it for half an hour. This put me in a cleaning mood so i spent the next hour clearing out the junk in my tiny room. This made me hungry. So I had some chicken with nandos sauce and boiled channay. And a million little marshmallows. Now my stomach is full of pink sponge. V said today that we should talk and I was in the mood to walk because winter intoxicates me and I need a fix everyday by which i mean that I must do something to respect the season daily. Walking in the littlebitcold breeze does the job. So does gazing at the moon btw. So yeah, I was in a walking mood therefore I went to walk and we talked and we also talked about this guy I know of who hung himself and I can't stop thinking about every thought he must have had and V said you're going to make me cry stop it. So I did and we talked about less morbid things. I am finally done with my book about meditation and the bit I really liked was about how being compassionate is actually good for you. Over the time I have grown quite weary of people telling me to be more selfish and always keeping your guard up and not letting people take you for granted etcetera. I mean yes okay, all good points and useful advice I'm sure. But. Where are all the people who will tell me to be kinder, to be more generous and humble, to point out the good things in a person before the not-so-good ones? I wish I was kinder. And braver. Enough to go beyond the petty bs that we indulge in every day. I try. 'Try harder' a voice in my head tells me. Yeah okay. I've been thinking about the hostel a lot lately. I miss it terribly. I could talk about this for a long time. Recounting every small insignificant thing that I love and miss about that place. That place and the person i was when I was there. I remember missing it even before I had moved out. I often end up missing people and places in their presence. I don't live in the present. At times I wonder if I live anywhere but the present. I have realised this recently, well no. Ive always been aware of my habit of zoning out, staying lost in thoughts for hours on end but what I've realised just recently is that this needs to change. I need to learn to be mindful of the present. The now. The Abhi. Ye. This. It's going to take a lot of effort but what is it that they say, knowing the problem is half the solution, right? So I guess I'm in a good place Np. Smiling at people is charity. Isn't that a wonderful thing? I must sleep now. Before that I will read some more. A filler book before I start a better one. Then I will think and contemplate over life and start dreaming in fragments which is the trend in my world these days. Boxes need to be closed and stacked way back in my head. Exhausting. Anyway.
That's all for now.

An existential itch.

I read an article the other day that said that writing for 20 minutes every day for good for a person. You can write about anything and it's not important to save it. What's important is that you put something out there and do it for twenty minutes. I think a lot of people, myself included, struggle with consistency. Forming habits is hard. Keeping at it. Requires self discipline. I love self discipline. I am a wild goat. But I would like to be better.

My dad and I ate our breakfast in silence. There was no Tv, and I didn't have my phone. He didn't have his newspaper. We just sat and he munched on his paratha+Egg roll and me on my sandwich. I interrupted the silence occasionally with stories about the dreams I had, and he showed interest. He asked me when my break was ending, and i told him. I reminded him that we are out of coffee, and that I need a paintbrush for my new hobby. When i was done with breakfast, I lingered for a while and then came back to my own room. A while ago, he knocked and entered and asked me what i was doing and I pointed to the paperwork around me. Then he left. I went to his room just now and told him what the maid had decided to cook and he seemed okay with it. I asked him if there was any way we could get coffee now but he said he'd bring it on his way back in the evening so i said alright.

I went to my friend's place today. Another friend joined us there. Her mom served us cold coffee which chocolate ice cream and that made me so happy because just this morning i was thinking about how when we were kids her mom had made us cold coffee and i had loved it. And today after all those years, i had that again. We talked and ate and played table tennis in her basement. I really enjoyed myself and I wish i could've stayed the night but dad said not today, so i said okay. My friend also told me about a really good thing she did today. Went out of her way to help a stranger. I was really impressed that she did that. Made me feel happy about the world.

The weather is finally changing. And like every year, it comes loaded with nostalgia. I love to wake up in the morning and scrunch up the blinds to let the sun in. I wish i did this at 8 am everyday, instead of noon. Dad reached here late last night and mom made some really yummy mutton chops. We devoured them. Me and s2 watched Deep Water Horizon yesterday and I loved how the movie theatre was almost empty. It was just us and two other people. The ticket guy said, go sit wherever you want. That was nice. s2 ran and sat on the recliners and I made her get up because we hadn't paid for those and i didn't want any trouble. I am a scaredy cat like that. I have started walking again. I enjoy it immensely. I like to see old people walk, people walking their dogs, guys playing basketball and such.

I am very much affected by the weather. The wind enters me and physically lifts up my spirit. Whoosh. And the rain settles the sandstorm in my heart. And washes my heart clean. Splat splat. The cold calms me down and turns blood red diamonds to grass green ones. This almost-winter air smells of healing. Every morning I breathe it in, it tells me that every thing will be okay. And I find myself whispering it back.

N's little sister tagged along to drop me back home today and out of nowhere she said
'Hey did you get a cat?'
Me: ...yes I did. (Lie. I dont know why she even asked that)
Her: really? Where is it?
Me: It's at home ofc.
Her: okay what breed is it?
Me: ... Siamese. (N laughed and said 'I'm sure that's the only breed you know of')
Her: okay what's her name?
Me: cabbage.
Her: what? Why would you name a Siamese cabbage?
Me: well because she looks like one.
Then she laughed and said that she missed me.
We reached home and I was waiting for someone to open the gate and i stood there for five minutes and she yelled from the car 'Are you sure you want to go home?' haha. I said yes.

That's all for now.

Retrospect.

Most things, to me, seem better in retrospect. Barring very few things, I almost always look back at life and think 'Ah i miss those days'. 70% of what me and V talk about is all the things we did and all the places we went to when she was here. And now we need new memories. Every thing has to wait though. We're both stuck in situations where all we can do is plough on and bide our time till we eventually get to a place in life where we can do the things we want. We have a rough list of things we want to do. And no, it does not include cliches like skydiving and Eiffel tower selfies.
I was supposed to go to a place this morning to see about a work situation. The person I was interested in talking to wasn't available, and I had to come back. I left my name with them and told them I'd be visiting them again tomorrow. But something about today has confused me. I am not entirely sure if i want to go back tomorrow and join. I don't know what it's going to be like. What if i'm miserable there? What if the people are mean and I don't have work to do? Well, that's the thing. I need to have work to do. Staying at home, and doing nothing will drive me crazy. Has it already?
There's a cafe nearby. It used to be five minutes from my place, but now its right outside where i live, and I am delighted. Me and N went there the other day and I felt at ease. We went there again yesterday and then again today.
I finished my DMT book the other night. I'm glad to be done with it, because that and my increased caffeine intake were giving me some really bizarre dreams.
I am a very optimistic person. Some would say naive or delusional. But i say optimistic. I put abundant amounts of faith in things and people, and life in general. That doesn't mean that I;m unaware of the possibility of everything turning to shit. Because i am..aware. In fact I have a terrible habit of imagining the worst case scenario in every possible situation. I simply like to keep those thoughts at bay. What i mean is that something inside me keeps glowing even when i know everything will turn to shit. Even at my lowest, my very lowest, if you crack my skull open, you'd see black fog yes, but you would also see silver rainbows. Haha, if rainbows were silver they wouldn't be rainbows yes, but. Shiny rainbows, okay. Sparkly ones. Emitting light and radiation and beams of lasers and all bright things. That's what you would see. I don't look or sound like the most optimistic person, but inside, deep inside, that is how i feel. I have immense faith in myself, and in the concept of  'things working out' in general. I don't do a very good job at implementing this thought process in every day situations which i think is the problem. It is the root of all anxiety stress and panic. I'm working on it. I like encouraging people and pushing them and telling them that YES it is possible and NO it is not too late. It is so limiting, to think otherwise. Well some times yes, it is too late, but ok well let's not get in to details. I am also highly cynical and the queen of skepticism. Moving on.
I've finally begun working on the boring robot work Nd has assigned to me and i intend to be done with it in a few days.
I love being in a car and looking out the window. I like to look at boxy little shops that no one else notices. I like to look at people and imagine their stories. At times I try to imagine what their next 20 minutes will look like. I try to imagine what someone was thinking while they were leaving their house. What made them wear what they chose to wear that day. Last night me, s1 and AB (new addition in family, its my sister's finance, say hello everyone) went out for a snack late at night and we decided that we wouldn't talk about work. But we ended up talking about work 90% of the entire time we were out. Towards the end, conversation got more interesting and we talked survival skills that everyone should master which led to a discussion about zombie apocalypse and who would die first. Then i got over excited while discussing the book i just finished reading and does anyone else start to shiver when they talk about something they care about? Well, I do. And then we came back home and that was all.
I do not want to be one of those people who turn 30 or 40 and turn into a goat and look back and say, oh how naive and idealistic i was. I want to stay idealistic.
Cake is the best dessert.

You may know this much.

I woke up late today. I slept well last night. Woke up a number of times to ask s2 to turn the a.c off. Dreamed about moving to another city. Went downstairs. Mom asked me to sit with her and told me about thoughts that didn't let her sleep last night. Had an unhealthy breakfast. Some chicken bakery stuff and a big chunk of cake. With four sips of tea.

It's 2 pm now and mom was supposed to take me with her for some chores but the car is busy elsewhere so I guess we won't be doing that now. I wish I had a personal yoga instructor who would wake me up at 6 am every morning and force me to do yoga.

I'm supposed to take N out for her birthday today. We are going to try sushi. Her friends will surprise her there. I hope everything goes well.

S1just got home from work and she took me by the hand and said she needs to have a discussion with me. Work stuff. Me and my sisters are funny. Our spirits are too wild. Too restless. Me and mom were talking the other day and she let out a deep sigh and said 'ive realised that meri teeno betiyan baaghi hain.' That made me laugh and I said well, isn't that a good thing?

So the surprise went well. We all went to this sushi place and none of us had tried it before and I went with good hopes but ...Ekh. They say it's an acquired taste but I do not want to acquire this taste thankyouverymuch. I am not very social around some people and I always get the feeling that Ns friends don't like me much because I'm quiet and boring but today wasn't that bad. Actually I had a good time. I came home a little late and mom didn't mind and we sat and talked for a bit. Then V asked me if we could talk so she called me up and we talked for over an hour on the phone talking about the time we lived in the New city and how we want to one day work and live in THE city and travel the whole world. Ah. Dreams.

 It is now 3 a.m and I am not sleepy. S2 said lets wake up at 6 am and go for a jog but I don't think we will be doing that. Everyone Is asleep. Its just me now.

It is now 4 a.m.

The kettle is silent.

It's 3:17 am and I can't fall asleep. I'm thinking back to a night exactly two years ago. I remember because it was a significant one. I couldn't fall asleep then either. Amazing how things can be so different and yet exactly the same. I realised something about myself the other day. I don't get used to beautiful things. You know how there is so much misery in the world that when something terrible happens it doesn't affect you as deeply as is did before? Well where beauty is concerned I develop no tolerance. I don't take it for granted. I am as overwhelmed by it as I was the first time. Every time it rains, my heart swells the same amount. Every time my parents make me laugh with their banter I feel immensely grateful and at peace. Every time I look at the sky at night, Im full of awe. Every time I lie down in my bed after a good shower and a good meal I feel like royalty. When people are nice my heart reaches out and hugs them secretly. All the time. And I'm glad for this. I never want to take the good things for granted. This is all we've got. The little things. I am a fan of the little things.

I finally finished a book today that I should've been done with ages ago. It was raining when I woke up so I went downstairs and had a pear and sat in the porch. My maid asked me if I wanted tea and I said yes I do but I need a lot of it. She said what do you mean? I said well, I need it in a mug, and not a tea cup. So she found the biggest mug we have and asked me if that was enough and I said yes and she looked very pleased with herself. So I sat there and finished my book. While it rained. Me and s2 have been going out for walks every night and I enjoy those even though all we do is talk and whine about our careers. We are going for a walk again right now ans I'm going to wear my neon pink boots. Ha.

I have always been skeptical about people who talk about how a certain book made them cry. Everytime some one says 'oh that book made me bawl like a baby' I mentally roll my eyes like ok stop exaggerating already.
                  But then The Book thief happened.
I was aware that its supposed to be a sad book and what not but oh my God those last few pages. Its like the entire book is just preparation for that metaphorical punch in your face/lungs/heart? at the end. I wasn't even too involved in the book. Yet it made me cry , (real tears!) that continued for the next however many pages that were left. So, soo sad.
Anyhow I watched the movie trailer this morning and yuck. It is too different from the movie in my head so I have decided not to watch it.

Today was good. It rained in the afternoon and it rained like nobody's business and the sky went just the appropriate amount of dark and the sun was doing a nice orangy thing and it was beautiful. And there was wind. Cold, gives-you-goosebumps-and-sprays-raindrops-in-your-face kind of wind. So I texted N and we decided that we must eat fat jalebi and samosa or we will die. So she picked me up and we left. I wore my neon shoes again. We had hot samosay complete with the chuttni and all. Burnt my tongue. Then we had chaat. Which was wonderful.Then we had fat JALEBI. It was SO hot and crispy. I got the sticky sweet oil (sheera?) everywhere and now my jeans need to be washed. We asked the kid to get us tea but he said they don't serve tea so we were like we just saw you take tea for those guys and he said that's for us and we said can you please make it for us too and he said ok let me see and two minutes later he came back with lots of jalebi and two cups of chaye and said that chai is on the house. Life was complete then and there but we are monsters and monsters will be monsters so after all the meetha we needed salty again and got some pakoras. We listened to dido, coldplay, and Nusrat fateh Ali Khan on the way home. And talked about my life and hers and psychedelic drugs and Islamic history.

I got a haircut today. Chop chop chop. I feel liberated. And hungry.

The world is transient and so is everything in it. Truly internalizing this fact can be a double edged sword. It can make you want to be and do everything or nothing. It's hard to strike a balance. Are we supposed to strike a balance? Hmm.

Okay.

More string, less pearl.

I'm funny. I'm a fugitive. I'm in hiding. I kind of took a hiatus from work. Without warning. Without planning. Just up and left. And came home. Left a pile of mess that needs to be dealt with but my sanity needed to be dealt with first. I refuse to be a goat. A miserable one at that. A miserable anxious goat. No. No no no. Just...no. So I've come home and im going to let this place heal me. This house, these brick walls, these wooden floors, the porch, this bed... and mom and dad's company. Healmyheartpls? I don't know whether what I did was bold or downright stupid, but i did what i did.

I tend to make frantic little knots out of the thoughts in my mind. It puts quite a bit of strain on my brain.  Knots out of thoughts. Strain on my brain. Look at my rhyming like a pro. Anyway. I need to untie the knots one by one. You know. I was not told that another part of being an adult, was making decisions about things that you do not feel very equipped to make decisions about. There's a ton of risk involved in this premature decision making and you often have to take giant leaps off giant cliffs with blindfolds over your eyes and your hands tied behind your back. You could fall. And break all limbs. And be paralyzed for life. That's not fun. Speaking of, I'm thinking of shifting to black coffee.(No one spoke of coffee i know get over it) I take some milk in my coffee and no sugar. Maybe eliminate milk altogether? My stomach will not be happy about this. But let's see. I love being minimalistic. Minimalist. Whichever. It's 4:40 am and the hour is such that i could write for hours, but my eyes are now beaches full of sand and i must close them. What is the point of coming home if i'm not even going to catch up on sleep? But then. Let's not be animals. Lets not sleep at 5 am just because i can. I say let's, but other than myself, who else am i talking about? *shrugs* I shall write more in the morning. 

Okay so i didn't write more in the morning. This is actually the afternoon after the morning after the day after - okay its one day later. I should probably stay off caffeine for a while, since i believe it's adding to my anxiety. I had redbull yesterday for no reason because my friends were over and there was a can in the fridge and i said hey lets all share a redbull and then i allowed them a sip or two and had it all by myself. That is who i am. It's what i do. Only now my heart won't stop palpitating. It get's annoying.

Last night the weather was pleasant and the moon was silver and the clouds were a nice charcoal grey and the wind was a little chilly, and me and mom brought out a Charpaai and i put my head in my mom's lap, (I do it very often, its my favourite place), and we just talked. Dad was sitting on the side, eating dinner. When the sky looks too beautiful I feel overwhelmed, and I am afraid of feeling overwhelmed for what is one supposed to do with this sudden effervescence of feelings and emotions inside? I don't know how to deal with it. Words are never enough. Thoughts go berserk and there is unrest and chaos. 

I spent the afternoon watching Veep and colouring. s1 stole my colouring book the other day without permission and now a couple of colour pencils are missing. There's a colour in there that I call the 'beautiful green'. There's also a warm yellow and amazing red. An easy orange and a peculiar blue. None of these are lost thankGod. 

Found some space inside the house to cycle a bit and then mom said that she had a feeling that i would crash, but i was fine until i cycled past mom and then i sort of side crashed into the wall, because that's always what happens when i'm being observed. I don't perform well under pressure. And i feel pressure when people are watching. Or when i am in the spotlight. I turn into a lump of dough. It's not pretty. And now my leg hurts and a couple of other places. But i'm fine. 

I want to be in the mountains. For a week or so. With someone I don't have to talk to at all times. My heart is yearning. 

Okay,

That is all for now. 

For those who understand us, enslave something in us.

This year has been the year of change. Sounds cliché. And sounds like a new year's post. But it isn't cuz its only July. No wait it's august..well almost. So yeah, the point is. Change. Things have constantly been in motion and I have not had time to catch up with any of it. Then in the midst of it all I realised that maybe it was pointless to try to catch up, or slow down. I just need to go with the flow. I need to keep running. There's no stopping, no breathing, no pausing. Just moving. There have been small pockets of free time where I have sat still for hours and pondered over my life situation but it has not been pleasant. My body and my mind are too used to motion now and I crave it. I crave slowing down and I crave movement. Simultaneously. Well because if it weren't for this chaos I don't know if I wouldve been able to deal with all the chaos. Graduation happened. Left the hostel. Friends left. Friendships ended. Routines changed, habits changed, ideas changed, mindsets changed and I found my soul two shades paler by the end of it. There was a gradual stripping away of things I counted as essential and the process is painful yet liberating and it's still going on.  Work is also something. It tests me physically mentally and emotionally. Every day. Which i hate and love. I have a vague idea of what I want to do in the future which keeps a part of me at peace. But I am open to what life will throw my way. Could be shitstorm. Could be rainbowfest. Either way. I'm open.  

Every now and then I have stressful days and when I find myself too wound up in small matters that actually deserve none or very little of my precious brainspace, I take a step back, and mentally imagine shedding them off like brown crackly autumn leaves. And it helps. We should be like snakes. We should molt. Yuck. But yeah. 

Ugh. I'm rambling on and on. 

Going to stop. 

Oh but one thing that invariably makes me happy and warm is when mom feeds me food with her own hands. Food tastes better and life seems brighter. 

That's all. 

Let's teach the storm a thing or two.

I took a cab to work yesterday evening, and it was the most soothing 30 minutes of my life (exaggeration alert). The car was air conditioned and smelled of air conditioning and that faint smell of cigarette that lingers after one has smoked in a closed space plus a hint of cologne. I had my coffee in my trug. Okay two things. First. The Trug wasn't mine (trug = travel mug, that's what they're calling them these days lol). It was s1's. She ordered this star wars themed mug online and i like it so i took it, Second, I made myself some coffee and added bits of After Eight thins in it. Worked out well. So yeah. I was sitting in that car and i was having my coffee and i had just showered and i felt ready for my 16 hour shift and it felt nice. Not many things feel nice these days and this little ride to work did and so it had to be written about. Moving on.

The other day I was so exhausted, I could feel it in the marrow. Of my bones. What other kind of marrow is there? And so i dreamed exhausted dreams. I dreamed of skies on fire, and coffee ice cream and strange people.

Remember the time when good movies used to come out? Movies with substance? I used to look forward to watching them. The last movie i fell in love with was Interstellar. Where is all the good stuff? If anyone knows of a lesser known under rated movie that i might have missed out on, DO LET ME KNOW. Because, i spent the last hour trying to look for a movie i would like to see, and everything looked shit. I don't have time for movies and such anyway, so if i do take out time to watch something, i want it to be worth my time thanks.

I miss myself.

I really love it when people have extra packets of goodness in them. I love it when people take out time to help others, with nothing to gain from it. I like the people i work with. Every time someone shares their food or offers to help out when you're too tired, it makes me overjoyed in a quiet way. People being good. That's what keeps the world alive.

Its a sunday again. I look forward to sundays with all my heart, but when it comes it scares me a little because i don't know what to do with myself when im at home. I've been feeling a sinkiness in the heart for a long time now, and not much helps. Watching movies/shows doesn't help. Sleeping doesn't help. Hanging out with people doesn't help. Whining doesn't help. Eating doesn't help. Sleeping doesn't help. Nothing helps. Because these are temporary fixes. And they don't mean shit. I am fine, but there is that sinkiness that is quietly bringing me down and I know that it means something, and i know that something must change. My surroundings are not the problem. Its my heart that needs fixing. Heart, mind, soul. Everything is linked to everything. Remember how jk rowling said that only he who does not desire the philosopher's stone shall get it? That is so relevant to my philosophy of life. Anyhow. I was saying that something needs to change. Except i don't know what and how and when and how and WHAT. And how. I'm a little scared.

I am OD-ing on orange cream biscuits, tea, and gilmore girls on Netflix. I am waiting desperately to feel happy. That silvery liquidy airy feeling yknow? Yes.

Ummm. Look at this rooster stuff toy that Rory has that is in Lorelai's lap right now. I want one. So original.

A guarded enthusiasm.

I have a thing for flimsy grey shirts. And tiny chocolates in fancy wrapping. And plums. I love that they're red and juicy and inviting and I love the mayhem they cause in your mouth if you swallow one whole. I used to be big on movies. Watching them and reading about them and keeping up with what's new. Not anymore. I'm not listening to a lot of music either. Hardly, actually. I did read more this past year or two. A lot more. But now that I'm working, there isn't time for that either. Even when I do get free time it's as if I don't know what to do with myself. I eat or sleep or hangout with N. And that's that.

"We cannot say who has come, perhaps we shall never know, but many signs indicate that the future enters into us in this way in order to transform itself in us long before it happens. And this is why it is so important to be lonely and attentive when one is sad: because the apparently uneventful and stark moment at which our future sets foot in us is so much closer to life than that other noisy and fortuitous point of time at which it happens to us as if from outside."

It's a Sunday and moms coming back today. I told her I'm happy she's coming so that she will make me lassi. It's supposed to cool you down isn't it? Mommy's are miracles.
Anyway today is Sunday and the restless little shit that I am. I made a plan with the sisters to go out for dessert but after that went to shit we decided to make something at home. And then I did all the dishes and now my back is burning from all the pain. There's something wrong with my posture I'm sure. Which is why my back hurts as much as it does.

My momma makes me laugh. She's crazy like that. I get that from her. The crazy. Sometimes she says things and I can do nothing but laugh. It makes me happy.

I need new friends. And new conversations. And new connections.

I always have to write. No matter what. No matter where when how. I write badly in a journal on my phone. I write incoherently. At times it is but half a sentence, a stray thought, nothing more. I write on tissue papers and small notebooks and idle pages. My mind gets full easily and every now and then things get too saturated and then I have to let it out. Time and time again I have written to people the way I write to myself. It doesn't last. Humans have brains and opinions and moods. Unlike good old paper. Complicates things. Anyhow.

Weird how you never know how your day is going to turn out when you wake up. Today was supposed to be a normal day at work and then home. Or maybe a plan with N. But work happened and then someone died and I ended up at a funeral of someone i didn't really know and felt feelings about death that exhausted me in more ways than one.

"Beyond a certain point there really is no place to go, except into your own heart. "

The infinite anguish of free souls.

Parents are in town. House is home. Made ready-to-cook parathas for them at breakfast. Had chai and samosas in the evening. Laughed over failure to count in Urdu. (Shameful, shameful I tell you). Went out to walk with N. Sat on the swings. Talked about social issues. And personal ones. Was too nauseous by dinner but had food anyway because mom ne haath se khilaya.

 Work has been crazy. For the first time this morning I saw dark circles under my eyes. But this keeps me busy and every day I do something new. I do things that I don't like to do or dread even. But I do them anyway. I'm mentally and physically drained, so much so that by the time i'm home i just want to put my feet up in clouds and not feel anything. I wonder every day if it's worth it. All this. Haven't decided yet. The jury's still out. Let's see.

 At any point in life I don't want to be doing anything that makes me feel miserable and trapped. The day I see that I'm getting no returns for giving so much of myself, I think I will walk away.

 I was at a shop today. There was a girl of about 13 maybe with her dad. Her dad asked her what she wanted and she pointed to a Milo and said 'sabz waala juice'. The shopkeeper didn't move. 'chalees ka hai' he said. The girl looked at her father and the father asked her to get something else. 40 was too much.The girl insisted but then gave in. 'Das waali chocolate de dain'.
 It broke my heart. It's such a tiny thing but so sad and so real and not tiny at all. I got the girl a Milo though, don't cry. The father smiled and the girl looked confused.

 I like feeling my ribs.

 Today is Sunday. Have never been so excited for a Sunday. I have no plans. That is the plan. I will try to lift the sticky grey filter off my thoughts today. Let the sun in. Find some realness.


 There's more. But i don't know what to do with it.

Lost in translation and pine cones.

Father and I are going to eat fish for dinner. I roasted some cashews today, then had them with coffee and salt. I didn't roast them. I microwaved them. My mind is going through an information overload (avalanche?) these days. There is too much to read. And watch. More read than watch. And learn. Too many bookmarks on my browser, too many tabs on my phone, too many files on my Adobe, too many books on 'Moonreader', a couple of paper backs and then some.

It seems to me that part of my brain that used to be in charge of social interaction, short circuited and blew itself up some time ago which has left me in an odd predicament where i don't know how to be around people anymore. Or even if i want to be around people. Or do i want to be on my own? Or both? Probably both. But nothing about being around people feels right. Something is broken inside. Not in the emo sense no. Just some kind of focal lesion in the brain i think. Probably so.

Me and N have been spending more time together lately. We went out for a late lunch the other day and the weather was nice. The sky was orange and blue. And there was a breeze. So we sat outside with our paninis and carrot cake and talked about all sorts of things. Elon musk, aliens, losing important friends, career and so on.

I crossed a significant milestone in my life recently, and I don't feel much about it. I have 6.7 billion decisions to make and it takes up a lot of my braintime. I have noticed that whenever my mind is in a clutter, i ultimately turn to pen and paper to sort things out. Haha. I don't mean that in a literary way. (i wish i did) I mean that I usually take a paper, i jot down some gibberish, make some arrows here and there, cross things out, and i do it until I have physically given shape to my thoughts. It's not pretty or artsy. It's gibberish. But it works most of the time.

I sit for long periods of time staring into space and s2 finds it absurd. I'm often quiet, very quiet but then if you sit inside the house all day long, the mind does turn a bit gray.

 I need to stop climbing into people's hearts and feeling their feelings for them. (for the time being).

"But, Wally, don't you see that comfort can be dangerous? I mean, you like to be comfortable and I like to be comfortable too, but comfort can lull you into a dangerous tranquility"

You know that song from Cinderella? A dream is a wish. I love singing it. Humming more like. It's soothes me. Also, I love stripes. I love shirts with stripes and i love bed sheets with stripes. Stripes are nice. I like horizontal stripes more than i like vertical ones. I had steak today. It tasted like Mehendi. I couldn't eat it, and when the manager came by to ask about the food, i really wanted to tell him about my dish but 'your steak tastes like mehendi' didn't seem like a proper thing to say so i stayed quiet.

Okay. Yes. We’re bored now. We’re all bored. But has it ever occurred to you, Wally, that the process which creates this boredom that we see in the world now may very well be a self-perpetuating unconscious form of brainwashing created by a world totalitarian government based on money? And that all of this is much more dangerous, really, than one thinks? And that it’s not just a question of individual survival, Wally, but that somebody who’s bored is asleep? And somebody who’s asleep will not say no?

The quotes are from Dinner with Andre. Don't be so curious now.
Later.

T

So you think you can tell.

All day my phone said 'Thunderstorms' where the weather forecast is supposed to be and i kept thinking my phone has gone cuckoo. Or maybe it was just trying to suck up to me because believe me, 'thunderstorms' is exactly what i like to see in my weather forecast. And i think my phone knows that considering the number of times I've taken screenshots of my homescreen when it said thunderstorms. But turns out, phone is not cuckoo, it was just early. It started to rain around 5 pm and hasn't stopped since. I stayed inside, initially because every time it rains, my body, especially my chest, especially my heart seems to fill up with helium. And a restless kind of helium, an urging kind. It urges me to get up and do something, but there never really is anything to do. I mean, yes. More often than not, when it rains, i go and walk out, i listen to music, i drink coffee with a nice dessert, i make plans with people and so on. Why do i do these things? To gain some sort of satisfaction of doing the weather justice. 'It rained, so this is what i did'. But..it doesn't feel complete. Nothing really gets rid of the helium. The urge. A few months ago, me and N spent the entire day out while it rained. We had a chance to catch up, i looked nice, i had a seafood platter that wasn't half bad, we listened to good music, we had my favourite dessert. We drove around. It was great. But still. Helium. It sort of dies down as the day goes by but not because of something i did. Because whatever i do, it doesn't touch the Helium. No sir.
                                                              Anyway.
So i stayed inside at first while it rained, but then i went out and the smell, oh the smell. I had to be out. So i made some green tea, took a huge umbrella and went out to walk. The light was out and there was no one home. I'm not an umbrella kind of person but i took it anyway, for a change. And it was good. I listened to some music and imagined imaginary situations that are nothing more than imaginations. And then i came inside. The neighbors are having a live music show of some sort. A guy is singing. I hear people making the noise they make in social situations. Is there a name for that? Don't think so. There should be a name for that sound. Of small talk. Glasses clinking. Kids running. An occasional laughter. And so on. So i heard them make this sound while the smell of bbq found its way to me, and i imagined them having a good time. I also imagined them having kashmiri chai. I would kill for kashmiri chai right now. I asked dad to bring bbq on the way back, and he did because he's a cutie at heart. We had that and then i served some yogurt and strawberries which he didn't like but i loved. I accidentally read 'bowtie' as 'bouty'. Heh.

Confusion and discontentment arise from the mistaken belief that we are a noun. Contentment is realized when we stop swimming against the stream and settle into the fact that we are a current in the stream. The current is not other than the stream. It is the movement of the stream.

Read this somewhere the other day and liked it.

I think I will be writing a lot. Brain vomit, psych rant, whatever you want to call it. Except I don't think i will be writing anything of substance. Just spooning the froth off my coffee mug and spilling it out here. Which reminds me, oddly..

That i like the word 'Decant'. It makes me think of the sound a heavy glass makes when its put on a table made of wood. Hmm. The glass is not too heavy.

That is all for now.

3 am rationalizing.

Its almost 3 a.m. And I'm now in the middle of the third season of The Newsroom, which is too short for my liking. I've come to like this show (never really disliked it so i wonder where i'm coming from) because it was there for me through measles and days when my brain threatened to turn to cabbage out of boredom. Problem is: Im hungry. My stomach is making noises. The other problem is: There's nothing in the kitchen except instant noodles. It would be extremely unhealthy of me to eat noodles right now, i know i know i know, but who in the history of history has ever made a healthy decision at 3 in the morning? Will i be happy if i eat an apple instead? No. Would bread and cheese help? No. I need something soupy and savory. I mean. I plan on starting gym anyway, so a bowl of noodles can't be that bad can it? ALSO. I weighed myself today, (i hardly ever weigh myself, weight it just a number i say) and it was about 7 kgs less than i expected it to be. If i actually weigh as much as the machine says i do, i don't need no gym at all yo. BUT. I don't gym to lose weight, i gym to feel healthy. Now i'm talking as if gym is such a permanent part of my life. Its really not. Its just something that i need to incorporate in my life. Starting tomorrow. So, in celebration of that, i must consume a bowl of carbs, followed by a slice of that nice mildly sweet mithai i found in the fridge. I like it when mithai has pieces of foil on it. Sometimes. Well, this one looks nice with pieces of foil. So. Yeah. Noodles + cute slice of mithai. Done, and done. The decision has been made.
Im going to be asleep by 4 a.m. Funny how i was reading this article about people who wake up at 5 am, and i was tempted yes i was, but then what really happened was this unhealthy business that you just witnessed. How can i wake up at 5 if i am going to be sleeping at 4? But then again. All this will change. Soon. So let's be shit for a while? Funny how i was talking to N about temporary fixes and how i despise the idea of it. I am being so irrelevant and incoherent that I should just stop and go make noodles. I will post this without proof reading it even once, because if i do, i will end up deleting it.
 So.
Deal with it.
Thanks.

A breeze of salt and steel.

I kind of want to go back to the City now. It's not that I don't like this place. Because I do. It's just that I feel that I want to go back. But I also feel that once I am back, I'm still going to feel the same. Wanting to be somewhere else. Even when I'm home.
       Is there a name for this?

I watched Babadook last night. It was a bad movie with a 94% rating on rotten tomatoes. It wasn't scary and I didn't think about it even once before going to bed.

Something slightly traumatic happened to me recently on an early morning that left me shaking. I'm over it now. But when I'm laying down at night, the mind wanders and I find myself thinking about it. And just for a few seconds, I am able to relive it exactly how it was. My heart skips a beat and then everything goes back to normal.


Is it just me or have my words taken a darker hue lately? But words are just words aren't they? Anyhow. I must write more about the good that happens and the good people I meet. Or the normal people I meet or know who do good things that never fail to overwhelm me.
Today a girl I sort of work with. She borrowed a twenty rupee note from me. Later, even though she was running late for her bus, she ran back to give me the twenty back 'just in case you need change for something'. I smiled. I mean. So sweet. It's a small thing but. How sweet.
Also. I was late for dinner one night. And a girl who we are sort of living with. She said 'oh there are no clean dishes for you'. And then she left her food, got up and washed some for me. Seriously. What is this kindness?

The world is getting uglier by the day. Or maybe it has always been this way and ive only just begun to see it. A year or so ago someone talked to me about how dark the world is and how nice it was that i was  still able to see the bright side of things. Only recently though I realised that my optimism then, was in fact not optimism at all, it was ignorance. But things are different now. Or starting to be at least. You know how they say something like, in the midst of winter i found within myself an invincible summer. Now I acknowledge the winter while looking for the summer within. (I must say i really disapprove of this analogy where winter is associated with darkness and negativity. I mean what is up with that? But alright. Whatever gets the point across. ) I still believe that as long as people continue to be beautiful in even the tiniest of ways, there's still hope. There's always hope. And that. Makes my heart warm and toasty.

I have found that I have trouble being in the present. Being in the moment. Being in my body even.

We sat at a dhaba today. In yellow light. Wooden benches. Buttery chicken and roti right out of the tandoor. Azaan happened and it was peaceful for a bit.

The month has come to an end and I've collected a sufficient amount of memories for myself to take back home.
Maybe I will come again.

P.s. I'm realizing that this is a very haphazard post. But so has been life. And life shall show itself through my words.
Thankyou very much.

Acting small.

Somethings are irksome. Like people invading my space. Or people adding unnecessary drama, stress or other nonsense to my life. Or faaltu baatain which are like bad tasting candy floss. It is all one big IRK and it ends up making me grumpy which is not the side of me that I like or am proud of. I'd rather not be grumpy. Id rather be rainbowy and unrealistically positive.


I'm in the New city. For a month. This is my first time here and everything feels alien. Alien with brief flashes of familiarity. Just got off the phone with s1 and she said I don't know how you're doing this. Because I am so exhausted. Every cell of my body hurts. I'm exaggerating. But I am tired. I'm keeping my mind open and hopes up. Let's see how this goes. However it goes, I will make memories here. That's for sure. And maybe it will be enough. Just got off the phone with dad. Told him all about my day. I could hear his heart smile. Whatever good happens to me or whatever good I do, I make sure to tell my parents. They find such joy in it, my sweetbabies.

The word melancholy is so melancholy. Perfectly suited to its meaning. I love this word. Deeper than sadness. And way more poetic. Melancholy.

I want to own two dogs only so that I can name them Vladimir and Wolfgang. Wow.

I've been whiny and grumpy all day. Work is uselessly tiresome. My heels hurt at all times. And it's not the good exhausted either. I love the good exhausted. Give me good exhausted anytime. I love to work or walk or do anything I enjoy till my cells burn out. But this. This unfulfilling exhaustion. I'm not cool with that. I just need to make it work somehow. Make it work for me. And make sure that the two days that i do get off make all this shit worth it.

I had a nightmare again last night. I woke up panting. Which made me wonder. If i wake up from a bad dream because the stimulus is too much and the sleeping brain cannot handle it so it wakes me up. So could it be that the same stimuli if received in a waking state will cause me to lose consciousness because my waking brain can't handle it. Yes? No? Just a thought.

I love how you can see glimpses of people in other people. The tilting of the neck at a certain angle, pursing of one's lips in a distinct manner, a haircut, a side profile, a scent. It's beautiful how bits and pieces sometimes overlap.

At times I'm so awfully quiet. For long stretches of time. And then suddenly im acutely aware of my silence. And I know I have to make a sound. Or say something. And when I do, such a small half hearted voice comes out that I'd rather not have spoken at all. So some times I don't bother. I stay quiet. Who says silence can't be cozy?

Okay time to sleep.

Every day is a bookmark.

I'm sitting on a wall. Wearing my warmest hoodie. And sipping green tea. The wind is cold. Spiked with nostalgia. The kind that leaves you missing a place you haven't even left yet.

One of my favourite things to do is to walk around the city doing touristy things with V. It makes you feel more connected, more alive. I wish I could do it more. Walking around i.e. And that more people would do it with me. They should.

N picked me up today and as we sat at a cafe, cross legged, struggling with a nutella+almond topped bun, I told her how overwhelmed I feel with life these days. There is so much that needs to be done and felt and expressed and absorbed, I don't know where or how to begin. All I know is that I'm stumbling through this bittersweet chaos and eventually things will settle down. But i am restless now and I will be restless then.

Isn't it absolutely wonderful that one of my biggest worries these days is that a number of people are upset with me because I haven't spent enough time with them? It's driving me insane but mostly in a 'thanktheLordforblessingmeso' kind of way.

I'm covered with five layers of dust shed by memories that I spent all day packing into boxes. I will now wash it all off until i smell of seven different cleaning products. Get in bed. Sip green tea. (Which has become such an essential part of my relaxing routine btw). And colour in my new colouring book. Heart is heavy.

I turned 24 recently. My plan was to keep it mellow. I thought, lunch with friends, dinner with family that sort of thing. But turns out, my people are kind of amazing. There was so much more than anything i had expected or planned.
I often wonder what I've done to deserve all this love and comfort that I've now become so used to. I'm not a very expressive person. I'm not quite affectionate either. But I have people doing things for me and spoiling me in ways that overwhelm me. I think some people are tested with hardship. And others are tested with ease. And when there is ease, it must not be taken for granted. One must give back. To keep things balanced. And that is what I shall do.

Alright that is all for now.

Branches of dreams.

I'm sitting under a gazebo with my books. Studying about the urogenital system. It's quite cold. But there's dhoop. And s1 is going on and on and on about her new hair colour.

No one told us that part of growing up would mean that people we knew since childhood would start dying one by one. Your grandparent, someone's father, another celebrity. You grow up and they grow old. Then they die. And life goes on.

Weather widget on my phone says its 3 degrees outside. I'm up early. Me and my badly made cup of coffee. We are up early.  And guess who else is up. People playing cricket in the nearby ground. They're up early. To play cricket. In this cold. I can hear them shout and yell and i love it.

When was the last time I just sat in bed, and spent time on my laptop? It's been a while. And it feels good. I'm sufficiently warm, sufficiently tired, and the sound of rain outside doesn't hurt either. A friend recommended some music. I asked for 'something mellow'. Playing something called Aloha Moon, and sipping green tea. Not bad.

I am increasingly moody. And I have found that anything can stir the heart. Ripples and waves and tsunamis..something or the other will always keep your waves raging. What I yearn for, however, is a deeper, oceanic calm. A certain stillness. That's the goal.

I look at the future and I see an abundance of uncertainty, and fragility. And thunderstorms of the mind. And the heart.

I love the word Ascend. And I have listened to Coldplay more than anything else these past few months. I like to capture memories through writing. Here I am writing about coldplay and vague shit. But when I read this a year from now, I will know exactly what I was doing, what colour my mind was, and how buoyant my heart felt.

Little things can make a great difference. I walked to the ATM today. It was a little late to be out walking on my own, but it oxygenated my brain. And I was grateful for it.

Eventually, we will learn where to draw what lines.

Alright, that is all for now.

Oh and my dad called me Fish after a long time. Aw.

Seasons.

My dreams are back. Raging back. For a while everything was vague and foggy. Not anymore. They are bizarre and they are back. With cancer, wars, prisons and .. Ok that sounds disturbing. But then I have exams so what do you expect.

I'm up early. Willy the rooster is being loud as usual. I went out to the balcony to see what my neighbors were up to. I like to observe their mornings.

A friend is here. My breakfast is ready. Since I'm the lazy hobo type, my breakfast consists of instant noodles, protein bar that friend generously threw at me last night, double tea-bag tea and a half eaten macaroon.

I've noticed that a lot of people, when they want something they take it.  Without much regard for anything else. And here you are thinking about how everything you do or say will make them feel. Pfft.

I need my phone to keep beeping if I'm going to be studying late at night. I need that distraction. It's almost 2 and the world is asleep. My world I.e. my small world of people who I can talk to. They're all asleep. So I'm restless.

Today is one of those mornings. I'm too comfortable in my quilt. The lamp is on. I only have exam prep to look forward to. Which is why I'm still in bed.

Came home last night, on a whim, absolutely desperate for a hot shower. And boy was it rejuvenating. S1 bought all this new shower stationery that I got to pick and choose from. I was over joyed. This was followed by coffee, macaroon and warm pj's. Happy sigh.

My mental climate is very different from what it was a few months ago.

I woke up to the sound of rain. Well slept, head full of dreams.
Got a call from mom asking me to open the gate. They brought boneless fish. I waited in the porch for a while breathing in the rain. They came. We ate and laughed. Now I've made myself a mug of coffee and I'm back in the porch. I've stumbled upon a YouTube playlist that has coffee shop songs.
Oh God. What is one to do in weather like this? It makes me feel like I can jump off a building and not even fall.