December.

Time to shake some dust off this place. 

The year has come to an end, once again.

There's a new years bonfre/bbq at Nd's place, once again. 

But so much has happened. 

And this post is not going to be a summary of that. 

s2 made me realise the strangest thing today. Which is, that nothing bad has ever really happened to me. Nothing major. Yes, obviously I have had my ups and downs. But my timeline has been pretty straight, no crazy curves, no loops, no zigzags. Well some zigzags maybe, but that's about it. Thing is, everyone has to go through it at some point. Everyone must fall. Eventually. And seems like I just begun mine. Fall, i.e. Its an odd feeling. But it will pass. And I will come out stronger. 

This december sort of feels like a cold, misty gray morning. With thandi dhoop you know? There has been much morbidity around me. Reality keeps showing its face and we keep covering our eyes, but for how long? 

Mothers have super powers. They sense things. Today, parents came home and i went to open the gate. Mom hugged me and wouldn't let go. She said we are Locked twins and we will stay like this. Made me laugh. 

I am also in love with my winter walks. They make my day. I love being warm all over. Yet not being able to feel my face. I love how most houses in my locality are decorated with fairy lights. I love that people bring their dogs out for walks. I love the winter sky. I love how Orion stares you in the face. I love it that my face goes red. Especially my nose. Love, love, love.

"We are moving into a time when the image would become more important than the object itself, when appearance would be preferred to reality and it would be ever harder to know the truth" - 

Had to note this down when i first heard it. Don't remember the name of the guy who said it though. 

I think it's quite amazing that at the moment I have absolutely no idea what my life will be like in 6 months time. 

Also, I have no resolutions. I already know the things i want to do, and who i want to be. The decisions i have to make. And its a constant struggle. Which shall continue into the following year. 

Till next time!

Almost.

Had the most beautiful dream last night. Well, more like early morning. There was rain, cozy corridors, the feeling of an almost. People, multiplicity, and an overhanging feeling of joy. Also there was a lamp. I'm listening to this song by Vancouver Sleep Clinic as I think about this dream. It's the kind of song that makes you feel cold. The good kind of cold. The cold you imagine to be feeling when it's raining outside. The comfortable, feet warm nose cold kind of cold.
Ah. *happy sigh*

This is not a poem.

                  I feel 14 today.
                  And also 25.
                  I am me,
                  and four other people,
                      and ten more,
                      and then a million,
                  but also just one.

                               My new room is cozy

                               All that's missing

                                    is a bed, a closet, lamp

                                    something to sit on,

                                    and what makes a room..

                                                          ..a room.

                             But it belongs to me

                             The thought is cozy enough.

    I had a headache,
    so I took a nap
    a cold, disturbed nap.
    drank tea
    wore a sweater
         a rich green shade,
               No.
         An odd forest green
         that could be called emerald
         if it weren't so plain.
  Maybe not even then


                 I dislike all fiction that starts with 'She'
                              Hate is a strong word,
                                            yes.
                 But it puts me off.
                 I don't read things that start with 'She'
                                                        Or even 'he'
                 Come on I'm not sexist.

"All is One and One is All"
Someone asked my 6th grade history teacher,
about What this line meant
             She hesitated
And then said
    it was something beyond our level
    a complicated concept.
    and irrelevant to the chapter.
But because she hesitated,
    I was fascinated.
So i never forgot
those words or her hesitation.
And remember it even now
 when I am 25 and 14.

                                                       

500th post.

Thankyou invisible readers. And everyone who has ever dropped a comment or an email. You have made my day every time.
Cheers.

P.s. On this joyous occasion I would encourage you, (YES YOU!) to make your presence known and make me happy once more.
Comment/mails, any feedback is welcome.
Kthnxbye. 

A flickering.

October. This word feels like wood. Or a chunk of chocolate in my mouth. October. Something brown, solid and square like about this word. Like dining tables in big halls.

My two week internship ended today. Bittersweet. I already miss that place. I was just beginnint to feel really comfortable and then it was over. But now I get time to focus on studies. So there's that.

It was chilly last night. And it's chilly this morning. Welcome back winter.

Today is Day 5 of zero caffeine for me. No tea no coffee. Such a struggle. But I need to stop mistreating my body. I wish I didn't have exams coming up.
(Okay so I wrote this in the morning and I had a cup of tea a few hours earlier. Kill me. )
(Okay I wrote this yesterday and had another cup today and now my stomach hurts like anything. Shit.)

I can not function until I attain absolute certainty about some things. Absolute certainty is hard to achieve. I require it, nonetheless. For now, I'm stuck in limbo. Limbo is a bad place to be. But here I am.

I can sometimes visualise life unfolding itself in front of me. I can see how little things are changing and in turn changing me. I'm being churned. That's the word.

Maybe when s2 picks me up we go have breakfast. But what is breakfast without a cup of chaye/coffee?

I sort of like sleeping on the ground. No matress, just a bed spread or a little something and I'm good. Also , silk pj's are yum. You glide everywhere.

I slept early last night so its 8 a.m and I'm up on a Sunday. I looked out the window. People are playing cricket. I can hear them shout and cheer. Cricket on a Sunday morning. I like that kind of thing.

Feeling conflicted about a number of things.

All lessons will be learned eventually. One way or the other. All truths will be realised. Someday.

Helped dad shoo a lizard out of the room. I love helping him with these things. He laughs at my weirdness. That gives me joy. So does lying in my moms lap. She talks and tells exaggerated stories and i say hmm every few minutes. Peace and joy.

Some day.

I love having coffee in tea cups. I want to go to someone's house and be served coffee in fancy cutlery. With dessert.

I'm sitting in the college common room. Have a lot of time to kill. Listening to Video killed the radio star. Makes me want to stand up.

My feet are screaming because I was out all day and soon after I got home I went out to walk. Did so for an hour.  Time for my sleepytime tea.

N's little sister, little N I shall call her. She shows up whenever I'm in the kitchen making tea. We have interesting conversations. I often ask her about school and what she's learning. She said they learned about evolution and shapes of galaxies. I asked her whether she talks in class or is she one of the quiet ones. She said she used to be quiet but now she talks. Haha. She's only ten.

I often get quite obsessive when I like a piece of literature. Or any kind of art really. If I really love it, I hesitate in sharing it out of the fear that other people would not love it for the right reasons and they'd fail to see the genius in it. It kind of ruins it. It's selfish of me I know. There are no right reasons I know. But still. Heh.

College is ending.

I am currently reading four books. My mind is being an octopus.

While I walk to my bus stop I often start noticing and mentally making a list of all the trash I see on the road. I don't know why I do it. There are a lot of cigarette stubs and empty packs. Then there was the broken comb. A chocolate wrapper. A piece of cloth. Broken glass. The usual.

I always miss my parents a lot more when I'm around them than when we're in different cities. My babiest babies.

I take pictures of people sleeping. And then I send it to them some time later. I am creepy like that.

Nostalgia hits me like a sledgehammer every time I come back to the hostel. I haven't much time left here. I feel something distinct here. A feeling of its own. It has a certain smell, this place. Neighbours were being loud as usual. Corridor ones and those beyond the wall. Baajay baj rahay thay, literally. V is staying with me so we bought groceries. Filled up the water bottles, cleaned the kettle , rolled up the chick. Felt good.
Every inch of this place screams a memory to me. And it's getting louder every day.

The sky looks brilliant and I have more to say.
But later. 

New things get old.

I'm very picky about poetry. I came across Warsan shire some time back. On good reads. Then I googled whatever I could find by her online and devoured it. She slays with her words. Effortlessly. And writes with an ink made of blood, ash and fire.

 Just spent the last few hours listening to my mom tell me stories about her past. My grand father and his life. Their struggle. Family. Death. Career. Why someone turned out to be a certain way. I asked questions this time. I want to know everything. It helps put things into perspective. I'm in awe of how strong the women in my family were, and still are. It's inspiring.

 I think I'd be a good sniper. I'm sneaky that way.

 Some people. They make you feel more alive. Not people maybe. Some moments. Some experiences. Could be anyone. Could be anything. It is like. Coloring in a drawing. Makes it come alive.

 I really like Edward Norton. And prawn soup. I really like prawn soup.

 I love odd movies. I'm watching one right now. I have to study Neuro but I'm watching this movie right now. The characters are odd. I'm sort of loving it so far. Lets see how i feel by the time i'm done.

 I also love early mornings. One of the things i really want to do, is walk to places. Wherever I want to go, I want to walk there. I love walking to my bus stop super early. I hate waking up for it, and having to rush. But by the time I'm ready and out of the house, it's great. It's quite hot these days and sometimes the sun is in my face. And I don't like waiting for the bus in all that sun. But the walking bit. That i love. I used to listen to music as i walked, but now i don't. I prefer listening to the world in the morning. I don't listen to music in the car either. I don't put my earphones on. The only time i do is when I go for my long brisk walks at night. Yesterday I listened to Abida Parveen while studying. It was quite good. Who would've thought? Hah. I laugh at my own thoughts.

 Some people. They have..disarming personalities. I like that about a person.

 We were sitting in the hospital cafe when a friend of mine asked me:
What's your biggest wish?
Me: to travel.
No, i mean, What's your wildest wish?
Me: To travel.
What do you mean. Like. Mine is to climb a snowy mountain and then dance with my friends in minimal clothing. Sort of like that. So, what's yours?
 Me: To travel.

 More later.

Abandon.

I was hanging out in r2's room today, waiting for my car to pick me. And before I left, she said 'This is probably going to sound dramatic, but..chakar laga lia karo yaar. Come more often'
Aw.

Whenever I start to get too restless about things not going my way. I turn on my Power saver mode. I cut down all my needs and wants and focus on basic shit. It helps. There's also the Survivor mode, but more on that later.

Finally got around to watching Full Metal Jacket. Read up a bit on the Vietnamese war.

Got a new phone. Loving it so far.

College is ending. College life..is ending. Hasn't hit me yet.

A baby was born today.

When the heart is put off, the heart is put off.

Pears and peaches.

A friend's whatsapp status says 'Love is not what you say, but what you do'.

Oh Lord. Time to sleep.

More later. 

Half life.

Before sleeping, I think about the cereal ill have for breakfast next morning. With cold milk. Its something I look forward to. It has raisins in it, which surprisingly, i don't mind.

 I am in love with my nephro teacher. And a song. It makes me very happy when somebody is as good at their job as he is.

 Why do we ignore the truth? Or reality. Call it whatever. But most often we know what's right. Which road to take. What path to choose. We know it with such certainty. Yet we ignore it anyway. With such deliberation too. Why is that? Well I think I know why ofc. We are our own slaves that's why. But..yeah.

 I was having chai after my afternoon nap and decided to play one of the four movies I downloaded last night. And in the middle of conversation, s2 said 'what's up with watching movies alone?'. Haha.

 I love cold mornings. When you get out of a warm bed, you're still warm. And you go out for a second. In the cold. Without your sweater, without your socks, in your flimsy half sleeved t shirt. And it wakes you up. Love that. Some people hate cold grey mornings. Not me, no sir.

Dreamed about space travel. And Aurora Borealis. Googled it in the morning to make sure it wasn't something my mind had come up with on its own. In the dream, there was a celestial event that we were going to witness at dawn, but the dream ended before we could. Ah.

A friend texted me yesterday:
'Are you coming to college tomorrow?'
Me: Yeah probably. Why?
'Toffee deni hai'
So at college today, i said where's my toffee? And true to her word, she took out two milk toffees and gave them to me. Haha, how cute.

A cockroach got stuck to my leg yesterday. Cant even..

I love it when someone can make you forget their face. When what is inside, is so shiny it blinds you to what they look like.

Stop.. Wait.. Unhand me.

Something weird has been happening. I am feeling almost exactly what I was feeling last year around this time. An abundance of gratitude. I don't want to jinx this by talking about it in detail but I will say that life has been more than kind to me. And generous. And I've been absorbing all the good that has been coming my way lately so that I am now full to the brim and almost fat with graciousness. Which makes me feel that It is time for me to give back. In some way. Any way. I must do this. To equalize and dilute. To make sense. And to feel light.

>Went grocery shopping with N today. I needed to whine and vent. And we needed to catch up. Update each other on our lives. It has been a while. So I started talking. Between aisles of vegetable and fresh cut meat and cereal boxes and olive oil. I slowly told her what my mind has been up to. Things that have bothered me. Confused me. What i'm working at. What has affected me. Or changed me. Time flew and she didn't even get her turn. I had so much to say. Once I started talking I remembered how easy it is with her. We are so different. At times the exact opposite. But there's something that bridges over all of that. Whatever that is, I'm grateful for it.

Finding homes in humans.

What I want to do. Is to wake up at 7 a.m in a hilly place. Go out and have a cup of chai. Cold wind. Warm tea. Bare feet. That's how I want to start my day. This month is testing me. Mentally. Dad made me help him carry heavy stuff upstairs. Got my knuckle skin peeled off. I feel like a kid all over again. Yesternight, the sky burst open. It showered and it showered some more. And we had no electricity for eight hours. Me and s2 got drenched in the rain. I had to come inside because i started shivering. I feel restless. I went for a walk. Even though it's so humid outside. It helped. But I still feel restless. I feel very strongly about anger. I think it brings out the blackest ugliest part of a person. They say alcohol is haram. Drugs are haram. I wish people here were as mindful of controlling their anger as they are about these things. Just saying. This month I decided to be a little extra good to my parents. Make more effort. So I did. And it made such a difference. I'm happy. My book pipeline works very smoothly. I finish one book. Then I read the next one in the pipeline. And that's how it goes, at a good, normal pace. But the past year has changed things. And now I have tons of books to read and my pipeline is jammed with books trying to make their way to me. I'm reading like three books at once and I need to slow down. I am back in the City. The air smells and feels different. Not looking forward to college tomorrow. But life must go on and shit must be tolerated. I think I'm going to sleep early tonight. What have we done to this world?

Oh and btw. These are bits and pieces that I wrote over a period of one month. Ain't much, just crumbs. 

About 15 minutes before iftar, i went out to the lawn to walk for a bit. Took my chappal off and walked on the grass. Green and soft. The sky was an odd indecisive colour. The wind is a detox. Takes the heaviness out of my thoughts. Then azan happened, so I stared at the sky for a bit, and went inside. 

Hazy.

One should not spend the entire day inside the house. More often than not, it will drive you nuts.
It only makes sense that when your physical self is not functioning as much, your mental self will go into overdrive and think itself into insanity. I'm always afraid of going through this when i come home. It's not that I don't have things to keep busy with. It's just. I need to be physically active for at least some part of the day. Usually, college takes care of that. But i'm on summer break so, there needs to be something else.
My mind feels cluttered. I've been going in circles about certain things in my head. And now i'm sick of it. I'm also sick of looking at screens. My laptop screen. TV screen. Phone screen. Yuck. I don't watch tv, but still. Yuck.
What i'd like to do right now, is to shower, sit outside and let my hair dry in the wind. Except, instead of wind, there are mosquitoes outside who will bite me and disturb my peace.
It's already nine, but it feels like 6. I woke up late. That is the problem. I need to stop waking up late. I'm too old to be doing this shit.

Deep breath.

Alright,
Enough.

A robe of skin and veins.

    I've been meaning to write in here for some time now, but something keeps stopping me. It's not that I don't have anything to write about. Quite the opposite in fact. Maybe that is the reason? Anyway. I asked dad to get me a new pair of glasses. I told him they shouldn't be black. The rest, he could choose for himself. I'm eager to find out what he brings. Also because everything is blurry right now, and I can't see anything. So glasses need to come soon.
I woke up late today, again. Not extremely late, but too late for my liking. Took a shower, had this soupy noodly vegetably broth that mom made for breakfast, and sat with parents for a while. Walked about the house, munched on a cold carrot, and organized my books. Now I'm on my desk. Sipping hot tea. Just finished a mini croissant. I love these mini croissants. Look at me going on and on about food. I love food. What can you do.
I'm actually trying to eat healthier. That's not an easy thing to do when you're home and your mom is freaking out about you losing a little weight. But I'm trying.
Alright, suddenly i feel invincible. Was it the tea? Maybe. Most probably.
I don't know why people are so negative these days. Well maybe they've always been that way. But why? About life, prospects, other people, everything. I wish people would stop saying shit about other people. Tone it down at least. Its so off putting. I also think that we surround ourselves with a lot of shit that blinds us to what's actually real. Our perception of life, is warped. To say the least. We have all these misguided ideas about what we should look like, what gives meaning to life, how our time should be spent, what freedom is, what's normal. We've allowed ourselves to be fed these concepts and everyday we are trying so hard to incorporate them into our lives without really really thinking about what it actually means. Nobody bothers to go deep enough to find out. I want to be more awake.
 s1's laptop wallpaper has this quote on it that says 'May you always do what you are afraid to do'. I'm in love with this. Isn't this the best thing to wish for someone? I think it is.
I'm wearing a lady gaga t shirt. I don't know why it's in my house. Who's is it? Where did it come from? Why am i wearing it? Life's mysterious that way.
I've downloaded a movie called Frequencies. I'm currently watching one called Spirited Away. Home is the only time i get to actually sit down and watch movies. When did life get so busy? Not even busy busy. Just empty busy. I think we all know what empty busy feels like. It's not that great.
Anyway. That's all for now.

Books, basically.

I went to the old part of the city today with V to buy some course books and discovered a world of other things. Books basically. All kinds. History, literature, medicine, politics, fiction, you name it. There were all these tiny shops with creaky shaky shelves packed to the brim with books that I don't think have been opened or even touched in years. I couldn't get enough of it and I blamed V for not taking me there earlier. I bought a couple of books and will definitely buy more. I feel that all those dusty old books deserve to be read. I think there's a world out there that I need to absorb and there isn't enough time. But maybe one step at a time. One book at a time.
Im glad that that place exists. That world of books. And old uncles who manage those shops. They seemed nice. I bought a nice pen from one of them. Its a strange colour. V called it the Falsa coloured pen. I liked that.

Veins of my thoughts.

Today has been quite shitty. Had an assessment in the morning, which i hadn't prepared well enough for. Managed to pass anyway, which made me happy. I had plans for today but then some shit happened, which put me in the worst mood and i ended up spending the entire day in my hot hostel room.
Even so, there were little things that made me feel good in one way or the other, so instead of whining about what made me feel shitty, I shall write about the good things.

* While waiting for the test to start, I was terribly sleepy and r1 let me put my head in her lap so i could nap for a bit.

* After the test, we were really hungry. Had some food at the cafe. Was surprisingly yummy.

* Found a pair of old shorts and my transformers t shirt. Wore them. Feelin' good.

* I have kept my fridge in the balcony and even though its so hot, it keeps my water at the perfect temperature. Love that.

* Drank a chilled can of Milo. Took a huge sip towards the end, and realised that the consistency was weird as hell. Thick, coagulated weirdness. Felt disgusted, spat it out without thinking. Had a bedsheet covered with a huge chocolate coloured stain. Wiped it. Threw the bedsheet in the laundry basket. Took some soap, water and brush and scrubbed the matress clean. Put a new bedsheet. Felt good.

* Ate the cafe's vegetable loaded version of Maggie and watched House of Cards.

* Roomies are out shopping and r1 asked me if i wanted anything to eat. Nice of her.

Well that is all for now.
On another note, I have discovered that if i use conditioner on my hair, and let them air dry, they look at straight as if they were ironed.
Also, May is going to be the busiest so far. I get off ward duty at 8 and then i have to do Nd's boring research work. I would've done it today, but don't have the files. So, must do it tomorrow. Antacids + coffee and I'll be good to go.

Doing whats beautiful.

I have realised something.
I'm becoming more and more and more and more and more of an introvert with every passing day.
I feel that I am most at peace and happy and productive when i'm on my own.
I'm not saying i want to me on my own at all times and for ever.
I'm saying that i should be able to spend time alone whenever i feel like it.
But life. Is not allowing me to do that.
And that is irksome.
Irk.
Some.


p.s. My post titles have nothing to do with what i write about. Don't get confused. 

Carrots and strawberries.

Today was close to perfect. It has been raining non stop since last night. I sat outside for hours. Just looking at how vibrant the green looks against the red. Red being, the bricks and the tiles of my porch. The sky, grey with a whisper of pink. Later i walked a bit, in the rain. Couldn't see it. Only felt the fine shower on my face. I drank that Vanilla Latte sachet that i see everyday in the kitchen closet, but never bother to open. It wasn't bad. I also sang songs. Because i was alone at home and it was fun. To sing songs in the rain. s2 is here now. We all had Paaye. Hot paaye. Yum. Oh and i also went to the gym earlier. Had the place all to myself since i was early. Watched an episode of House of Cards and saw Frank bully innocent people. It was fun.
I mean. My parents came home and dad called me beforehand. He asked me to get the umbrella and open the gate for them. And i did. And all the while i was grinning with happiness. Just because.
*happy sigh*

Glow, breathe, burn, shine.

I turned the fan on in my room. For the first time this year. And it feels soo good. Summery. Fresh. New and old at the same time. I came to the hostel today, bought some fruit for my fridge, showered, had coffee, and now i'm sitting on my bed, with my laptop, with the fan on. And I feel happy. Deeply happy and content with life. Fat Bailey is also lying next to me, waiting to be opened and read, but she can wait a bit. Wait, I need to wear my glasses. Urgh. Okay, done. These big round glasses make me look funny. But i don't mind. I need more coffee. I'll get it later. 

Little things can give you so much joy at times. Most of the times actually. It's all about the little things. 

There are issues that need to be dealt with, people that i need to socialize with, topics to be covered, tests to be given, but right now, I don't give a shit. My heart feels light and buoyant. 

Let me just sit back and savor this shit.

Silence, thought and voice.

I did not go to college today. So it's one of those quiet afternoons where i get to be on my own. Lamp, green tea, the works. Just showered, and i feel acid clean. I love this term. Acid clean. I like to feel that way. I am usually empty of things to say around this time of the day. Where does it all go? I don't know. But when I'm walking to the bus stop in the morning, or to my room at the hostel, or around the park at night, that's when my head is buzzing. I write a lot of mental blogposts that unfortunately never get to see the light of the...laptop screen? Hah, anyway.
Is it too weird that I have divided the people in my life into compartments and I get really stiff when all of them decide to mix with each other? A little at a time is alright, and has happened before. But lately i feel like everything is going to into a blender and some mushy kind of shit is going to come out of it at the end that I won't be okay with. I mean, I'm exaggerating, but you get the idea.
Last night I was walking and I looked at the sky, and the stars were in the shape of a question mark. It made me laugh a little.
I was talking to s1 today, and she said that my problem is that I try to get inside everyone's shoes, and it is impossible to do that. But is it? One can try no? I don't know.
On a slightly different note, the floaty feeling persists. But I'm starting to wonder if it's not a bad thing after all. Maybe feeling grounded is over rated. We'll see.

Soft apples and dark afternoons.

February has been a blur. A hazy crazy blur. Everyday has been packed. It has not been easy. But it has not been bad either. I know i like it. Under all the whining and complaining and going nuts, I like it. I like being so busy that my feet hurt almost every night. There's something that feels so good about letting life consume you for a bit.

Most days I have been out the entire day. I like being out. This, being in my room at the end of the day, listening to some music, reading words that i can reflect upon, and sipping my green tea, has come to mean so much to me. Its my time. And when i can't have that, I know something needs to change. 

I know I'm not getting time for a lot of things, but things will slow down after a while, and I think I'll be able to catch up. But for now, it's chaos. 

Its crazy windy these days. The amazing cold kind of wind that flows through your hair and your clothes. I love it. Yesterday I got back from a lunch with friends from home, and even though i was so tired, I went out and walked for an hour. The wind made me shiver.
I have Arctic Monkeys playing on repeat. Just one song actually. And its good.

Ah I'm tired. This post feels scattered and tired. Time to hit the bed.

Love not that which sets.

What is this insane obsession I have with writing down all of my thoughts. As if they must be released. Somewhere, anywhere.

I love to walk back to the hostel after college. Little things catch my eye. Eye, ear, heart.

I missed a lecture to do some presentation work. Im in the canteen. Listening to Staind, im on the outsideee and im lookin in. Hardly a morning song but whatever. I've ordered Styrofoam coffee and digestive biscuits and im happy.

Its hard to let go of something that means something to you. Its harder to let go of it, prematurely.

Walked to the bus stop this morning. N made a map to help me navigate. I was fifteen minutes early so I leaned against a car, put my earphones in and read my book till the bus came. The sun was orange, the air was cold and the music uplifting.

I did not lose my keys all year. Lost two pairs of keys in the last three days. Came back to a locked room. Exhausted and hungry. I could wait at the hospital and see an amputation. But it was going to go on till late so I chose to come back instead. Looking forward to biryani, movie and bed. Don't have anything sweet in the room so powdered milk will have to do.

I feel like I'm everywhere and nowhere.

Dad called me late last night and he sounded quite active. I asked him if he was outside. He said yes me and your mom are outside eating halwa and its raining. I told him I missed home. We talked for a while. Before hanging up he said, btw its not raining. He's so cute it breaks my heart.

And this. ..Whoever is sunk in the depths of ignominy Calls his weakness contentment. Weakness is the plunderer of Life, Its womb is teeming with fears and lies. Its soul is empty of virtues, Its milk is a fattening for vices. O man of sound judgement, beware! This spoiler is lurking in ambush. Be not his dupe, if thou art wise: Chameleon-like, he changes colour every moment. Even by keen observers his form is not discerned: Veils are thrown over his face. Now he is muffled in pity and gentleness, Now he wears the cloak of humility. Sometimes he is disguised as a victim of oppression, Sometimes as one whose sins are to be excused. He appears in the shape of self-indulgence And robs the strong man's heart of courage.. (Iqbal)

Just eat up all the gray.

 I'm back in my dark little room, listening to Explosions in the sky, down with flu and overloaded with soup, joshanda and noodles. And anti allergics. And a pain killer. Today has been weird. The past few days have been weird. Weirdly good at times. But weirdly shit too. It's all a little chaotic.
Last night I sat on top of a slide, with some old music on. The sky never gets boring. Froze to death. Not the best thing to do when you've got the flu but it was just so quiet and peaceful. I must do it again.

My roomies are forcing me to attend this thing that i don't want to attend. I'd rather go to this new place V discovered. Sit back, talk and relax over cups of coffee. That's what I'd like. But r2 said she won't take no for an answer.

This is my favourite time of the day btw. Being in bed. With only sleep to look forward to. Why isn't there a perfume yet that smells of silver markers? Which reminds me. That I've missed typing. I'm on my laptop right now, and I love the sound the keys make when i type. And you know what's the other sound that i love? I love the sound that the spoon makes with the mug when you're stirring something thick. That nice gluggy sound. I love that.

We have a professor this year, who i really like. He's a nutcase, in a good way and makes everyone laugh. I usually don't find teachers funny but this guy is old and cute and crazy, and the best part is that he teaches really well. So. Yay.

It rained today. Made me want to walk for hours and hours. And so i did.
I like midnight blue and blood red.
Ah, i love the cold.

Days these days.

I have a good routine going on these days. Ugh, s2 is watching a show, and it's distracting me. So, i usually wake up around 12-1. Then breakfast, eggs and sausages. Then me and s2 basically don't do much all day. Which doesn't sound very fun, but the boredom is relaxing in a sickening kind of way. In the evening I spend time with my parents, and later me and s2 sit around the heater in our chairs like old people and talk. Sometimes when s2 goes out, i doze off in my chair. Its one of those old grandfather chairs. Sounds comfy, i know. Anyway, then there's dinner and Friends. After that, i go out for a walk. I love my daily walks. Frozen face, red nose. Sky. When i come inside, I shower with water that burns. Then green tea. The last thing i do is watch a movie with s2. Then I read one out the three things i'm reading. And fall asleep.

But too bad, I hardly have any time left at home. Oh well..

Dreams of sickly lions.

My left eye keeps twitching. My sisters are complaining about how cold it is, but i feel fine. They say i'm hyperthyroid. But I'm not. Yes, yes, 2015 is here. New year, etc. I had a great New year's night though. Spent time with family and friends. Sat around the fire all night, talked, played Taboo and Cranium and won both times. YES. Went for a nice breakfast around 9 and then crashed by 11. A.m.
Things have also been weirdly shitty. I have all this free time, but I haven't been in one place. Weddings and all the to and fro shit. Surprisingly, i didn't mind the weddings much. And i know why, but forget about that.
The other night, Nd got me a slice of my favorite coffee cake. I was ecstatic. It's one of those things.
I have a lot of plans for when i go back to the City. But. I don't know how much of that I'll actually be able to do. I don't know how it's going to be once i go back. Things are going to change, big time. The wheels are already in motion, and I don't know how it's all going to end up. But I..I have to be prepared. And i have to deal with it. Must keep my expectations low. And maybe everything won't be so bad.
Change is always scary. It's uncomfortable. But i think it's all a matter of time. What's going to happen is going to happen. Meh..
I know i'm being super vague, but that's the best i can do right now.
I've been reading a lot of non-fiction lately. Reading three things right now. One of them is proving to be a bit of a challenge for me. Maybe i should change my reading timings. Or sleeping habits. Because i have an oversleeping-induced headache most of the day and that makes it hard for me to focus on shit. I keep saying shit. Shit shit shit.
But i don't want to stop reading. Its important that I continue.
Umm. I feel like I should maybe talk more about the new year, but what's there to say? I don't think there's anything. Well, there is. But forget about that right now.

The key is, to change the way you think. The way you see..perceive.That's the key. Once you change that, change the thought, words will flow and actions will follow.

My eye is twitching again.
Oh btw. I watched taxi driver last night. About time right? Robert de niro looked good. But his teeth! It's like he's one person with his mouth closed but then he opens his mouth and he's someone else. Everything changes.