Sunday, January 22, 2017

Rant? Rant.

Ive been meaning to write in here for so long. Almost every day i make small notes in my head about 'blogable things' but never end up writing them down, and before i know it, one thing is replaced by another and then its all fumes.
The reason is, that I have had no time. No 'me' time. I was talking to my colleagues the other day and I told them about how I have three worlds. There's 1, where I work. There's another where i do basic survival things, eat-sleep-socialise. And then there's the Third world. The one where I do *cliche alert* soul things. I read, and i think and i reflect on what happened during the day, and who made me feel what and how do i make tomorrow better. Lately, I have only been living in World 1 and 2. And it is taking a toll on me. Last night, I just had enough and I went into cocoon mode. I cancelled plans with N. Cancelled plans with sisters and A too. I stayed in, and snuggled with mom. Made instant noodles, watched a shitty reality tv show with her and then fell asleep. Cancelled on morning plans too. I can't believe i am in my room right now, and I don't have to be somewhere or do something till a few hours at least. I don't have to do my hair, and I don't have to be a butterfly and i don't have to be fun. People don't appreciate it when i am not a butterfly. But i am not a butterfly. I am.. a snail who likes to live in its shell. Yuck i am not a snail. Scratch that. But you get the point yes?
I am enjoying my work by the way. There's one thing that is good. I like the people, I like the kind of work it is and i'm not bad at it. And I have learned a lot more about people in this time duration. I have learned to see the good in people, no matter who they are or what they do. I have learned to see the good in a situation no matter how stressful or dark it seems. And to be grateful, not nearly enough, but definitely more than ever before. Its a privilege to be taught these things.
ALSO. I am really bummed about the negativity around me. Criticism - of everyone and everything. Bringing people down. Mocking and making fun of others. Passing judgments on people without being sure of their circumstances or their mindset or anything at all. It's so EASY to do that. What's harder is giving other people the benefit of the doubt. Giving others a chance when no one else will. Why is it so wrong to be extra nice? To be gentle and kind? To look the other way when you find out unpleasant things about someone? Well okay i know its because people will walk all over you and take you for granted and eat you alive and feed you to rats, BUT wouldn't it be really sad if you let all this make you into a lesser person? How does anyone win like that? I know a balance exists somewhere. And we all need to find it. For me, all lines are blurred and zigzaggy. Almost everyone i know disagrees with my ideas and policies, but then again, everyone has their own learning curve. I will learn and find my balance in time. For now, I'm going to do what feels right.
Me s2 and N had a heated discussion on a cafe rooftop about how I don't share enough and how wrong it is of me to be like that. After about two hours, we did not conclude anything and nothing was resolved. I only realised somethings about myself. I realised that i am more mentally and emotionally detached than i thought myself to be. Maybe more so over time, maybe not. I don't know anymore. But i do know that I don't fulfill a lot of expectations that people have of me as a close friend. I fulfill only some. Which is why i'm extra grateful for the People who tolerate me anyhow. But maybe i don't check enough boxes. And it hurts people more than i realise. And i don't know what to do about that. Long discussion. Moving on. Let me write of some good things now. Look at all this smoke.

 I made myself an egg, jalapeno and cheese sandwich this morning and had tea with cake. Me and the sisters talked. No wars were waged and things were good. Also i took a really long shower and wore woolen sock boots and moistured my crocodile skin with my fave body butter. I feel rejuvinated.

We were at work the other day and one of my colleagues said that i don't interact with people enough and if i did and more people knew me, they would all love me. Egoboost, lulz.

I was on my way to work the other day, and i hadn't slept for two nights and hadn't had much to eat or any
 rest either, but while on my work, caffeine racing in my veins,  for five minutes, i felt invincible. Like nothing was a problem, and being this busy was the only way to live. Of course, an hour after i got to work, i sat down and my friend said your eyes are red and you look crazy, and then i crashed and woke up 4 hours later thinking it was the end of time. But i'm going to remember that feeling.

s1 is calling me downstairs. We are going to eat something and watch something. Little weekend rituals, when we can manage the time.

Things aren't bad you know. Just hard. And that is life. All i ask for is time to breathe now and then. Every thing will be okay. Someday.
Till then, It is what is is.

I hope i can write here again before too long.