Sunday, July 3, 2016

Let's teach the storm a thing or two.

I took a cab to work yesterday evening, and it was the most soothing 30 minutes of my life (exaggeration alert). The car was air conditioned and smelled of air conditioning and that faint smell of cigarette that lingers after one has smoked in a closed space plus a hint of cologne. I had my coffee in my trug. Okay two things. First. The Trug wasn't mine (trug = travel mug, that's what they're calling them these days lol). It was s1's. She ordered this star wars themed mug online and i like it so i took it, Second, I made myself some coffee and added bits of After Eight thins in it. Worked out well. So yeah. I was sitting in that car and i was having my coffee and i had just showered and i felt ready for my 16 hour shift and it felt nice. Not many things feel nice these days and this little ride to work did and so it had to be written about. Moving on.

The other day I was so exhausted, I could feel it in the marrow. Of my bones. What other kind of marrow is there? And so i dreamed exhausted dreams. I dreamed of skies on fire, and coffee ice cream and strange people.

Remember the time when good movies used to come out? Movies with substance? I used to look forward to watching them. The last movie i fell in love with was Interstellar. Where is all the good stuff? If anyone knows of a lesser known under rated movie that i might have missed out on, DO LET ME KNOW. Because, i spent the last hour trying to look for a movie i would like to see, and everything looked shit. I don't have time for movies and such anyway, so if i do take out time to watch something, i want it to be worth my time thanks.

I miss myself.

I really love it when people have extra packets of goodness in them. I love it when people take out time to help others, with nothing to gain from it. I like the people i work with. Every time someone shares their food or offers to help out when you're too tired, it makes me overjoyed in a quiet way. People being good. That's what keeps the world alive.

Its a sunday again. I look forward to sundays with all my heart, but when it comes it scares me a little because i don't know what to do with myself when im at home. I've been feeling a sinkiness in the heart for a long time now, and not much helps. Watching movies/shows doesn't help. Sleeping doesn't help. Hanging out with people doesn't help. Whining doesn't help. Eating doesn't help. Sleeping doesn't help. Nothing helps. Because these are temporary fixes. And they don't mean shit. I am fine, but there is that sinkiness that is quietly bringing me down and I know that it means something, and i know that something must change. My surroundings are not the problem. Its my heart that needs fixing. Heart, mind, soul. Everything is linked to everything. Remember how jk rowling said that only he who does not desire the philosopher's stone shall get it? That is so relevant to my philosophy of life. Anyhow. I was saying that something needs to change. Except i don't know what and how and when and how and WHAT. And how. I'm a little scared.

I am OD-ing on orange cream biscuits, tea, and gilmore girls on Netflix. I am waiting desperately to feel happy. That silvery liquidy airy feeling yknow? Yes.

Ummm. Look at this rooster stuff toy that Rory has that is in Lorelai's lap right now. I want one. So original.